


Peeta Mellark's Sexual Frustrations

by PeetasAndHerondales



Category: Hunger Games (2012), Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Angst and Humor, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Sexual Humor, Underage Sex, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-08
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-28 14:12:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 63,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/675288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeetasAndHerondales/pseuds/PeetasAndHerondales
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peeta Mellark wanted Katniss ever since he could remember...and he was not as innocent as everyone thought. The evolution of Peeta's sexual fantasies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Mellark Legacy

* * *

I remember the first time I touched myself. It was in fifth grade, and I only lasted about ten seconds. It was the day that Katniss met my gaze the day after I gave her the bread. I was walking outside of school when I leaned down to pick a dandelion, and as I looked up, her gray eyes met mine. My heart nearly skipped a beat as I thought about approaching her, but she walked away before I could make up my mind. I blew on the dandelion, wishing that she would be mine. I watched the seeds float away as I began to walk home alone. Dandelions were my favorite; they refilled me with hope and a few seconds of joy every time I found a new one to wish upon. And today she had actually caught my eye. It filled me with happiness to know that she would be okay, that she hadn't starved to death, that I had helped her.

It was almost too much for me to take.

As I arrived home, my brothers snickered at my dreamy expression. "Hey Peeta, I heard you learned about sex today," Rye taunted, his blonde eyebrows raised in amusement.

I scowled at him. It was true, and it was also embarrassing. Dad had given me the talk before, but it was nothing compared to the shame my friends and I went through as they showed us the video in class. Thinking about Katniss had almost gotten me through it. Well, almost, but not really, because I soon realized that this was something I would want with her someday, and that thought had made it even worse. My face had never been so crimson; the blood running up my cheeks had never felt so hot away from an oven before.

"Shut up, Rye," I mumbled as I tried to get past him to walk upstairs into my room.

"Ah-ah-ah, not so fast, little bro," Leven said as he blocked my path. "We're going to teach you the  _real_ deal," he grinned roguishly, his blue eyes sparkling with mischief.

"But we have to help out at the bakery, and I have to put my books away," I protested, trying to worm my way out of it.

Rye chuckled. "You hear that, Leven? Peeta would rather frost pink cupcakes than learn from our wisdom."

"Rye, you have the wisdom of a bacterium. No, we're teaching him the Mellark men  _legacy_. So you have no choice, Peeta. Dad passed it on to us, and now we're passing it on to you. Be grateful for it," Leven said.

"Dad already talked to me about that," I put out.

"Yes, but he didn't give you the dirty details," Rye winked.

"I don't need them," I insisted as I tried to shove my way through.

Leven and Rye surprisingly allowed me to pass, until I realized that they had followed me upstairs, and before I knew it, we were all locked up in my room. It was then that I realized that I was stuck with them, and I sat down at the edge of my bed and sighed, resigned.

"We have something special that we're going to share with you," Leven began.

"You're lucky that we were able to collect enough money to buy it and that we're willing to show it to you," Rye added. It was then that I noticed that he still had his backpack on, and he shoved his hand in it after he slung it down his shoulder and unzipped it, taking out what looked to be a thin paperback book.

"What's that?" I asked, slightly intrigued.

"Capitol porn," Leven replied with a wide grin as Rye tossed it to me.

I caught the long, light book in my hands and instantly dropped it as I saw the cover. "Gah!" I screeched as I noticed the naked woman on the front. She was covered in weird tattoos and her skin was blue, her eyes overly elongated and her hair was bright green. It was the scariest thing I had ever seen in my entire life.

"Is that a mermaid or something?" I asked stupidly.

"No you little fuck, it's one of those naked chicks from the Capitol," Rye rolled his eyes as he picked it up.

"They only publish porn magazines at the Capitol, and the people there are kind of strange, but pussy is pussy and you have to take what you get," Leven explained calmly.

"Where did you guys get this?" I asked, horrified.

"It took us two months' worth of allowance between the two of us to buy it from that old drunk Haymitch," Rye answered, annoyed at my reaction.

"Look, the point is that we wanted to show you what women sort of look like and what to do with them when you finally get the chance," Leven told me as he took the magazine from Rye and began to flip through it.

"A-aren't we kind of young for this?" I stammered. Leven and Rye were only in middle school and they already considered themselves experts on the subject.

"Leven took a girl to the slag heap the other day, didn't you Leven?" Rye prodded him.

Leven nodded coolly. "Yeah, but we just kissed and stuff," he shrugged, as if it were no big deal that he had just gotten his first kiss. "Here, look at this page, Peeta, the people look a little more normal in it," he said as he handed it to me. I gulped, clutching the page as my eyes widened. It was a black-and-white photo of a man standing behind a woman as he sucked on her neck, her head thrown back as one of his hands covered her breast while the other snaked in between her legs.

"Uh…" was all I could say as my cheeks burned red.

"Yeah, it's pretty hot isn't it?" Leven smirked as he took the magazine back and I exhaled in relief.

"So wait, what's the Mellark men legacy?" I piped up, trying to change the subject.

"We're so glad you asked," Rye began cheerfully.

"There are three basic rules that you must follow," Leven turned to me.

"Number one is that you must make them beg for the loaf," Rye continued.

"Otherwise known as the bosco stick; and we're not talking about bread here," Leven grinned with malice. I shifted uncomfortably and looked away.

"Number two is that you must never, and I mean  _ever_  let the girl you want escape you, or else you'll end up settling like Dad," Rye said seriously.

"And trust us when we say that you don't want that, but considering the beating you got from Mom last night, you probably already know that," Leven added.

"The third and final rule is…" this time, Rye turned to Leven so that he could finish the sentence.

"Mellark men survive on bread and pussy," Leven finished triumphantly.

My face instantly paled. "W-what do y-you m-mean?" I stuttered.

My brothers instantly burst out laughing. "You heard us." Rye snickered.

"It means that not only do we put our loaves in their ovens, but we eat their sweet muffins out too," Leven elaborated.

My mouth dropped open. "You don't mean…?" I asked.

Leven gave me a toothy grin. "We Mellark men are the  _best_  at it, or at least according to Dad."

"How come Dad never mentioned this?" I exclaimed, my voice sounding two octaves higher than usual.

Leven shrugged. "He probably thought you were too young." I was jealous of his new deep voice. He even had some hair growing on his chin now too.

"Not to mention the fact that you act like a little princess," Rye sneered. I glared at him.

"But don't worry, we're going to teach you how to release your desire for that Seam girl," Leven said sympathetically.

"What?" I asked, pretending not to know who he was referring to.

"Don't play stupid, we know you have the hots for Katniss Everdeen, and if you were old enough, you would have a boner every time you saw her," Rye accused. He was really starting to get on my nerves.

"Yeah, why else would you be so willing to take a two-hour beating from Mom by burning the bread? We saw her sitting outside in the rain. You did it so that you could toss her that bread," Leven concluded.

"I had to save her, she was starving," I told them.

"Yeah, and you almost got killed for it," Rye pointed out.

"She was worth it," I growled.

"All right tiger, calm down," Leven interjected. "We already know that you like her, so don't even try to deny it because you practically just admitted it," he reasoned as he placed his hand on my shoulder.

I sighed. "Fine, but so what, it's not like she's ever going to notice me," I grumbled.

"Not with that attitude, she's not," Rye shot back.

"No one likes you either!" I yelled at him.

"Why, you little…" he nearly launched himself at me, but Leven stopped him as he stood up and held him back, and he was much bigger than Rye.

"Stop it, you two! We're trying to have a good conversation here," he coaxed as calmly as he could.

"He started it!" I hollered.

"I'm trying to help you, you ungrateful little twerp," Rye seethed.

"Rye, try to be nicer to our little brother," Leven suggested firmly.

"Why, because he's Daddy's favorite?" Rye said mockingly.

"Dad doesn't pick favorites, you know that," Leven tried to reason with him.

"I'll be damned if he doesn't," Rye spat.

"You're just jealous," I called out.

"Exactly, and if you can't talk without fighting, then you can go back down to the bakery and I'll finish talking to Peeta on my own," Leven warned him.

Rye clenched his jaw, but decided to remain with us as he settled back down. I half-suspected that it was so that he could continue to ridicule me. I wasn't wrong.

"Okay, so where were we?" Leven asked.

"Charming the pants off of Peeta's Seam slut," Rye replied.

This time, both Leven and I glowered at him, and I clenched my fists tightly. "Don't call her that," I hissed.

"Rye…" Leven warned.

"Fine, I'll behave. We were talking about what Peeta could do about his sappy crush for Miss Everdeen," he said sarcastically. "Better?"

Leven ignored his last question and turned to me, "Right, so you're hitting puberty soon, Peeta. Have you ever had any sexual thoughts about her?" he asked in his mature grown-up voice.

"No!" I shouted, appalled. "Okay, maybe I've had a few dreams," I admitted after a second.

"Have you ever rubbed one out?" Rye asked, amused.

"Of course not…" I said uncomfortably. My face turned hot; I knew that they would bring this up eventually.

"Well, maybe you should," Leven suggested. "It might help you feel better."

"But how do I get her to like me?" I asked.

"You talk to her, what else?" Rye said it as if it were obvious.

"But I'm scared that she'll turn me down," I whined.

"You're such a pansy," Rye scoffed.

"Just say hi to her or something, it's simple. Try to be nice to her; you're good at making friends. Have some faith in you," Leven smiled at me.

"What is this, some soap opera? Just tell him to stroke it until he gets tired of it and grows a pair and asks her out," Rye snorted as he stood up and left the room, muttering about how lame we were.

"Don't listen to him; do what feels good for you. Do you want to keep looking through the magazine?" Leven offered.

"His balls haven't even dropped yet!" Rye yelled from across the hall.

I frowned. "No, that's fine, you guys keep it. Those women kind of scare me, anyway," I shuddered. I would probably have nightmares tonight.

Leven chuckled. "All right, then. Let's go back to the bakery before Mom catches us," he said as he went back to his room and hid the magazine under a loose floorboard. "Don't tell anyone about it," he whispered.

I nodded. I would never betray him. I knew that Leven would do anything for me. At least that's what I used to believe back then.

* * *

That night, I lay back in my bed, thinking about Katniss and the things that my brothers had taught me, along with the things that I had learned at school today. There were mornings in which I would wake up with the sheets soaked with semen, and my mother would pull on my hair and tell me to wash them. Those were the nights in which I would dream about kissing Katniss and stroking her soft braid, but not much else. I couldn't help it if these things happened to me. But maybe Leven and Rye were right, and I needed to take matters into my own hands. I thought about what it would be like to touch her, to kiss her, to hold her….but it was all too overwhelming, and before I knew it, I came and soiled my sheets again. I groaned against my pillow. Maybe masturbating in bed wasn't such a great idea after all.

The years passed and my fantasies only became more intense. I would watch her from afar and fill my heart with longing, but then she would bite her lip and my cock would twitch. Before I knew it, I would walk around school with an ever-present boner, like Rye had predicted, and I had taken the habit of masturbating in the bathroom. I would sit in class with her only a row in front of mine, and I would stare at her endlessly, memorizing every aspect of her face and body: the curve of her waist, the mole on her neck, the swelling of her breast. But it was it her mysterious gray eyes that fascinated me the most, so deep in thought as they stared out through the window, like a caged bird yearning to spread its wings and escape into the forest.

"Hey, Peeta," a girl's voice purred into my ear, her hot breath on my neck. I turned to see that it was Gem Niche, one of the most sought-after girls in school.

"Um, hey," I said nervously.

She batted her long blonde eyelashes and twirled curly her hair as she looked down at my pants. I gulped. "Is that a loaf in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" she teased.

I blushed as I pulled my seat in further under the desk so that my waist was hidden from my view. She pouted. "Oh, come on, I could take care of that for you," her fingers lingered on my shoulder, and I pulled away quickly.

"No, thanks," I said evenly, turning back to see that Katniss was staring at me, but as soon as she had met my gaze, she had turned away. I sighed, exasperated. Great, now she probably thought I was with Gem.

"So I heard you could draw," Gem continued, smacking on her gum.

"Sort of, I mean, I mostly just decorate cakes at the bakery," I said.

"That's not all I heard," she giggled.

My eyes widened as I realized what she was implying. How had she found out about my drawings? My friend Nert met my gaze from across me, and he mouthed, " _Sorry."_  I glared at him.

Gem must have noticed that I was upset, for she instantly retracted, "Oh, don't worry, I won't tell on you, Peeta. I was just hoping that you could do a drawing of me…nude," she intoned the last part, and I trembled.

My friend Blathe saw this and starting mouthing at me to say yes. I scowled at him too. It seemed that no one could keep a secret nowadays. Just because I had decided to draw out some of my fantasies and show those to my friends did not mean that I was a professional porn artist. The Capitol magazines that my older brothers had collected throughout the years just didn't do it for me. Of course, I also had some other, private sketches of Katniss, but those were ones that I kept to myself.

"What do you say, Peeta?" Gem asked as she stroked my shoulder once more. "I'll pay you," she added.

I looked at her in surprise. "Really?" I asked. No, no, what was I doing? But I really needed the money, I was running out of materials, and paints were expensive. Painting was my biggest passion; I enjoyed it much more than sketching or decorating cakes.

She grinned, flashing me her perfect white teeth. "Of course, you're an artist, Peeta. My father owns the painting shop, did you know that?" I had figured that she was a wealthy merchant, but not much else.

I shook my head dumbly. She smiled again. "Well, I could get you some new materials too. Here's my phone number. I'll come by your house at seven, call me if there's any change of plans," she said as the bell rang, not even allowing me to respond.

What had I just gotten myself into?

"Bitches love Peeta's loaf," Nert said as he approached me while I picked up my books.

"We can make a good business out of your art!" Blathe exclaimed.

"You two are in so much trouble," I growled.


	2. The Artist

I gripped the counter as I heard the soft tapping of knuckles against the door. I knew it was her; I had told her to come in through the back. I took a deep breath and braced myself as I eased myself away from the bakery counter and answered the door. She was wearing a long brown trench coat and a treacherous grin. "Hi Peeta," Gem drawled. "Is your shift over?" I nodded; it ended at seven exactly (surely it was a coincidence?).

"Uh, yeah, I come on in." I said as I stepped aside and allowed her to enter. Her impossibly high heels clicked against the tiles, and I was grateful that no one else was around and that Rye was attending the front counter; he would give me hell if he noticed. "Just turn here and you'll see the staircase, my room is the first one on the right," I said as I followed her up. I winced every time her shoes echoed loudly against the ancient wooden stairs. I opened the door for her as we reached my room, which I had spent nearly two hours cleaning and preparing for today.

"Nice," she complimented as she strolled around the room and settled on the large window seat, which I had placed cushions over.

"T-Thanks," I stuttered nervously as I locked the door behind me, running my shaking fingers through my tangled hair.

"So should we do this?" she asked as she began untying her trench coat while I scrambled to find my sketchbook and charcoals inside my desk drawer. I found them quickly and pulled my chair closer to her as I settled my sketchbook over my crossed leg, charcoal pencil in hand.

I looked up and gaped as she stood in front of me, her robe falling down her smooth bare shoulders, revealing…everything. I nearly choked; she was completely naked underneath that coat, my eyes ogling around her full, round pink breasts. I nearly hyperventilated when my eyes drifted down further. I had never seen a real naked woman before, not really. I didn't think Capitol porn would prepare me for this moment and I was right; I would have to use my boner as a stand now. I was glad the sketchbook covered my lap.

She smiled, pleased at my reaction. "Should I settle back on the window seat, Peeta? The curtains are drawn," she suggested.

"I…ugh…umm...yeah…uh, y-you do that. Just um, lift your legs up on the…yeah, just like that, and rest your arm over your head and bend…perfect." She was the perfect model; her neck tilted up towards me as her green gaze studied me, her mouth parted just right. I gulped.

 _Oh shit, I'm so fucking screwed,_ I thought as I forced myself to concentrate on the paper, my hand moving as if to its own accord. My dick may have betrayed me, but my hand remained steady when it drew, my left one gripping the sketchbook as my right one began to trace out her figure.

Gem thankfully remained quiet as she watched me sketch her, and soon I began to relax, the familiar act of tracing lines over paper having a soothing effect on me. Once I had measured her figure and outlined her head, torso, crotch, and shoes (which she had refused to remove), I started working on her limbs and added the long, lush curls over her head. I bit my lip as I carefully marked the lines on her palms and fingers, drew curves for her breasts, and dotted her puckered nipples. She smiled tentatively as I took in some courage before my eyes lingered on the downy curls between her legs. My cock strained to escape, but I adjusted my lap so she wouldn't notice. I wasn't even interested in this girl, but my crotch begged to differ. Thinking about Katniss wouldn't ease my situation in this case, but then again, it hardly ever did.

I inhaled and exhaled extra slowly as I continued adding details, the dark outline of the window seat, the deepness in her devious green gaze, both intriguing and intimidating all at once. This girl was trouble. I swallowed as I gripped my charcoal pencil and colored the shadows that would bring out the picture. Focusing on the cushions beneath her bottom, I tried once more to relax, but without success. Finally, I finished the sketch and signed my name underneath it, breathing out in relief.

"I'm finished." I declared, glad that this was over. But when she stood up, I realized that she had other plans in mind, as she didn't even attempt to pick her trench coat up from the floor when she approached me.

"Thank you, Peeta," she murmured seductively over my ear as she leaned towards me, taking the paper from my trembling hands, her breasts centimeters away from my fingers and mere inches away from my face.

"Y-you're welcome," I muttered quickly, feeling flustered.

"What do I owe you?"She asked playfully as she stood back up.

I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be paid anymore, I hadn't even thought about the price. "Uh…n-nothing, k-keep it," I stuttered quickly, saying anything that would make her go away so that I could relieve this pressure and move on.

She pouted, puffing out her glittery lips. "Oh, Peeta, are you sure there's  _nothing_  I can do for you?" she asked as her eyes drifted down to my crotch, which was still pitching up a tent.  _Fuck._

"Um well, what about the paints?" I spluttered.

She frowned, obviously disappointed. "Oh. Right…I'll bring them to you tomorrow at school," she promised, smiling again.

"Then that'll do," I concluded.

"Okay," she leaned in. "But next time…we'll be meeting up in the slag heap," she murmured, and before I could register what was happening, she kissed my lips and shoved her tongue inside my mouth, swirling it as it sought mine. I immediately tensed when her hand reached down to grope my bulge, and I instantly reacted and pulled her wrist away, shoving her shoulder with my other one to end the kiss.

Her eyes widened in shock as she pulled away, still completely bare. "I-I'm sorry, Gem, but I'm a professional." I blurted out, before realizing how stupid I sounded.

She threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, Peeta, you're so  _adorable,"_ she said as she bent down, picking up her trench coat and slipping it back on, throwing her hair back so it wouldn't get caught beneath. She hid her portrait in an inside pocket.

She sighed. "Look Peeta, this was fun, and I understand that you may be a bit uncomfortable right now, but I can already assure you that this isn't the last you'll be seeing of me," she winked before she headed out the door, stomping down the stairs before I could stop her. I scrambled up to follow her outside.

"Gem, wait up!" I ran towards her as we headed down to the bakery and out the back door. She turned to me. "Listen, I appreciate you modeling for me and everything, but please don't tell anyone else about this. I'm not really sure if I'm interested in starting this sort of business," I rubbed the back of my neck worriedly.

She flashed her smile at me again, "Alright. This'll be our little secret," she said in a hushed tone as she left. I frowned. She was going to tell the whole fucking school, I just knew it.

* * *

That night, I punched the shower wall angrily as I thought about what I had done today. I knew that Katniss didn't even know I existed, and that Gem and I hadn't really done anything, and that drawing nude models was nothing unusual for an artist, but damn it, it all felt….off. I felt like I had somehow betrayed Katniss. It was the same sick, wrenching feeling that I had at the pit of my stomach when I had my first kiss in middle school. A girl had tossed me against the wall of the slag heap and made out with me for the three days that we supposedly dated before deciding that I wasn't interesting enough. She said I was a good kisser, but that there was something weird about me. She hadn't known that I had been thinking about Katniss every time I kissed her. I hadn't kissed a girl since then…at least not up until now.

I groaned as I grabbed my hard cock in my hand and rubbed it frantically to relieve the tension. Images of Katniss instantly flashed in my mind, and despite the fact that I had seen a different girl naked today, all I could think about was  _her;_ all I could imagine was Katniss' bare olive skin and dark, intricate braid. Her mysterious gray eyes were the ones watching me, she was the one taking off the trench coat and asking me to draw her. But she wore hunter's boots instead of heels; her smile was genuine instead of condescending and fake. I would imagine her laughing, calling my name, and touching herself for the portrait, teasing me to no end. And when she touched me, I would let her, and she would get me off as she heard me gasping, panting, begging her to go faster as she moved her hand up and down my cock, circling the tip with her thumb…and then my fantasy would change and I would be slipping my tongue inside her sweet pussy, making her scream my name like a true Mellark would do, flicking my tongue all over her. I felt the familiar tingling in my balls and I squeezed them with my other hand as I came, slowing down my movements as the hot shower water washed away the semen. I shuddered in relief and finished up before getting out of the water and heading to bed, more dreams of Katniss awaiting me there.

The next day at school, Delly confronted me at our lunch table. "Peeta, what's with all of these rumors I keep hearing about you drawing Gem Niche  _naked?_ Is it true that you're starting a porn business?" she hissed.

I nearly choked on my sandwich as Blathe and Nert burst out laughing and high-fived each other. I scowled at them. "No, I'm not starting a porn business," I said firmly as I continued to glare at them.

Nert smirked. "Peeta, you have to at least consider it, I heard that even the Peacekeepers would be interested, and your art's good."

"You told the Peacekeepers?" I seethed.

"Wait a minute, what's going on?" Delly intervened.

"Peeta draws nude models," Blathe answered her proudly. I smacked my hand against my forehead.  _Idiots,_ I thought. Delly had no idea about my sexual fantasies; there was no way in hell I would ever show her the threesome I drew after a particularly erotic wet dream that I had one night.

"Look Delly, you know I'm really into art, and I've done research on the subject; using nude models is a perfectly acceptable way to practice drawing the human anatomy," I said smoothly.

Delly rolled her eyes. "Peeta, how dense  _are_ you? Gem Niche is obviously only trying to get in your pants, and you're letting her take advantage of you; and what's worse, you're showing these immature idiots your art," she pointed out.

Just then, Gem approached us, carrying a large rectangular package in her hands. She flashed her teeth at me as she gave me another one of her overconfident smiles, "Here you go, handsome. Thanks for last night," she said in a low voice before she handed me the package. Nert and Blathe wolf-whistled as my cheeks burned, and Delly pretended to gag. It was then that I noticed the entire school was staring at me as Gem bent down and planted a sloppy wet kiss on my cheek before sauntering back to her table, swiveling her hips the whole way. I gulped when I saw Katniss narrowing her eyes at me suspiciously from her table with Madge. Part of me felt guilty, while the other part hoped that she was jealous, because then it would mean that she had feelings for me.

"Well, what did that skanky whore give you?" Delly snapped, bringing me back to reality. I opened the package carefully and my eyes widened as the perfect arrangement of colors overwhelmed my senses.

"Oh wow, look at all these paints and brushes!" I yelled excitedly as I showed my friends.

Nert and Blathe seemed unimpressed, and Delly pursed her lips in disapproval. "Peeta, you can't keep this. She's trying to buy you so you can sleep with her. She knows you're the only handsome male virgin left in the school that she hasn't screwed yet. She wants to add you to her trophy list." She said coldly.

My face faltered as I took in her words; Delly had never acted this mean before. "Oh. Um…well, I don't think I'm that, uh,  _handsome_ , as you say, but maybe you're right and she's just using me. But still…she paid me for the portrait I drew of her, so it's not like it's a gift. Besides, I don't plan on doing this again, and I don't even like her," I assured her.

"Well I think she's a fine piece of ass," Nert commented as he studied his nails.

"Nert, you're gay," Delly reminded him.

"I would bang her," Blathe said.

"Technically, I'm bisexual," Nert corrected Delly.

I rolled my eyes, "Nert, shut up, you just want to get laid. Besides, this isn't even about Gem. I only did this because I needed the paints, and now that I have them, I'm done," I declared as I sat back on my chair.

"So you could've saved up for them instead messing with that slut," Delly reasoned. "Now you're in heaps of trouble."

"Yes, well, that would have taken me years, and I'll just ignore her from now on if she comes on to me like that." I insisted. "I'm only going to use these paints to draw landscapes and stuff." I decided.

"But you're still doing the charcoal porn drawings, right?" Blathe asked greedily.

"Peeta, do you seriously draw porn?" Delly asked, concerned.

"It's not porn, it's contemporary art," I corrected her. "And yes, I'm still doing them, but I'm not showing them to you guys anymore after what happened," I accused, narrowing my eyes at Nert.

"I was just trying to promote you!" Nert exclaimed in defense.

"Well then don't," I said as I stood up to dump my empty lunch sack, "because I'm not looking for models anymore."

* * *

But I lied. Gem ended up telling her friends, and they all ended up begging me to draw them, and I became more and more curious about the female anatomy. They all tried to flirt with me, but after a while they noticed that I had become immune to their charms, and I no longer blushed or became aroused when I drew someone nude. Soon, word spread around the school that I was the biggest tease, and the virginity of Peeta Mellark became the holy grail of District Twelve's sluts. The only good thing about this was that, as usual, Katniss paid no mind to the fickle teenage gossip that spread around the school like wildfire, and therefore knew nothing about this.

But Delly knew, and she confronted me by my locker one morning. "Peeta is it true that you're selling your drawings to the Peacekeepers?" she demanded as I gathered my books.

I frowned. "Who told you that?"

"Nert did, of course. He says that you've been selling porn to everyone who asks for it, even the Peacekeepers! Please don't tell me that you're using these girls to…" she trailed off.

I gaped. "Delly, no, never, how could you say that? You know I'm not like that!" I exclaimed, outraged.

"Well then how…"

"Those are completely different drawings! The girls that model for me do help me, but only in terms of practice…I learn about the human body, and I give them their portraits. Then, in my free time, I draw out some other, random stuff that comes to me and that's what sells." I explained.

Delly seemed unconvinced. "Peeta, I don't think this is right…if you get caught…"

"I won't." I promised her. They know that if they sell me out, I won't draw stuff for them anymore, and they know that if they don't pay me, I'll run out of materials to keep going. It's a perfect system."

"Peeta, how in the world do you have time to do all of this when you work at the bakery, go to school, and have wrestling during the weekends?" she asked suspiciously.

I chewed on my lip. "Well…about that…since I no longer need the allowances from working at the bakery, I make my brothers cover for me in exchange of my drawings….and I give them my salaries, since my parents don't know because we all work different shifts," I told her.

Delly's eyes widened. "Peeta, I don't know if you've noticed this, but people are starting to wonder where your cake decorations went, because Leven and Rye's aren't nearly as good as yours," she warned me.

I swallowed. My mother had noticed this as well; she had smacked me the other day for "slacking," and blamed me for our steady yet noticeable decrease in sells. She had been right to blame me, for once. This was my fault, and I had to fix it. "Delly, I don't know what to do," I mumbled helplessly as I slouched against the lockers.

Delly patted me sympathetically on the shoulder. "I think both you and I know that you have to give this up before it's too late. Besides, the reaping is next week and everyone's going to be really tense and you never know what may be said then," she hinted carefully.

I knew what she was getting at. "I hope Katniss doesn't get picked," I said softly, then instantly regretted even thinking it. "It's because of her that I even started drawing," I admitted. "I kept picturing her in my head, and I became so obsessed with what she may look like that I sought her in other girls," I confessed lamely.

Delly nodded as if she had already suspected this, which she probably had, honestly. The bell rang before she could even formulate a proper response, however, and soon we both parted ways. It was my last proper conversation with her. I had decided to stop drawing and go back to the bakery for the rest of the week until the reaping came, and then I would make a final decision. But the opportunity never came.


	3. The Reaping

I walked home from school that day heading straight to the bakery to start my shift as soon as possible. Although my brothers could decorate cakes fairly well, they didn't have the patience to add the pertinent details I put so much effort into. When I arrived, I entered through the backdoor and put my apron on. Rye was already there, kneading dough.

He looked up at me in surprise, "Dude, what are you doing here, you're going to get caught!" he yelled urgently.

I frowned in confusion. "What are you talking about, I'm going to bake today," I told him.

Rye shook his head. "Mom just went upstairs to our rooms to look for dirty laundry, and you know what  _that_ really means."

My eyes widened in fear as I took in what he was saying. I instantly scrambled up the stairs, running towards my room until I reached my door and stumbled inside. But I was too late. My mother was already in there, and she had found my drawings, which I had carelessly left out on my desk last night after having finished working on a particularly intricate depiction of a threesome. I had been too exhausted last night to even remember that I was supposed to hide it, but now I cursed myself internally.

Mom spun around as soon as she heard me come in, and I half-expected her to slap me. But here's the thing: she didn't. In fact, she didn't even look upset, and instead she continued to shift through my charcoal drawings calmly, scrutinizing each one of them carefully. Her cold blue eyes met mine then, and she pressed her lips together. "So this is what you've been doing instead of working at the bakery," she finally spoke.

I gulped. "Mom, p-please, I-I can explain," I stuttered.

"How much money do you make off of this?" she interrupted, sounding intrigued.

"What? Oh…uh, it depends, really…Mom I'm really sorry, I promise I'll keep working at the bakery, in fact, I was just down there, and…"

She waved me off impatiently. "Peeta how dare you run your own business and not share this with your family?" she accused.

I gaped. " _That's_ what you're upset about? I thought you would be mad about the drawings, you said it was a useless art!"

"But that was before I knew they would sell! Peeta, I want half of the profits if you're not going to put your part into the family business," she demanded.

"But I am! And anyways, I don't even know if I'm going to continue this…" I trailed off as she scowled at me.

"You useless boy, you never want to do anything!" she screeched, tossing my drawings back on the desk. "You're going to do as I say, and you're going to do it well! I want you to work at the bakery twice a week and work on selling your drawings for the rest of the week, and then bring half of the profits back to me," she ordered firmly.

But before I could open my mouth to protest, my father walked into the room, "What is this racket? Rye told me that Peeta had something important to tell us," he said as he stepped in behind me. Great, now my brother had given me away, thanks a lot Rye.

"He does, he's been selling porn without our consent, and, more importantly, without bringing in the profits," Mother seethed as she picked up the drawings and handed them to my father so that he could see them.

His eyes widened as he studied them. "Son, this is the best porn I've seen in my entire life, no wonder they're selling like hot bread!" he clapped me on the back cheerfully.

"B-but, I thought you would be mad at me," I muttered, feeling more perplexed than ever.

"Damn right we're mad at you, you've been greedily keeping it to yourself," Mother snapped.

"Now, now, let the boy keep his profits, they're his drawings after all…" my father put in, then trailed off when he saw my mother's threatening expression.

"Absolutely not, everyone in this family must contribute, and just because Peeta found a new way to make money does not make him an exception," my mother insisted.

I sighed, pressing my thumb and forefinger against the bridge of my nose. I should have known my mother only cared about the money. "Fine," I growled. "I'll work at the bakery today and then start working on some new drawings after the reaping tomorrow," I said.

"Good," Mother said pleased as she sauntered out of the room.

My father smiled at me sympathetically and patted me on the back. "You're a true artist, son. I'm proud of you; you have more talent than anyone I've ever known."

I swallowed. "Thanks, Dad," I looked down nervously.

"Now if only that girl knew what she was missing out on," he chuckled softly as I gaped at him in shock before he left the room as well. He knew. My father had always known. I put my sketches away and went back down to the bakery. Tomorrow would be the reaping, and, for all I knew, it could be my last chance to talk to Katniss.

….

"Come on, Mellark! Concentrate!" my wrestling coach yelled at me as a guy half my size pinned me down on the mat. But I couldn't concentrate; I kept worrying about the reaping. I gritted my teeth and pushed the guy off of me, pinning him down underneath me firmly. I had to stop thinking about this. I soon found my concentration and kept him down easily, and then the match was over. After practice, I headed down to the locker rooms, where my friends and brothers were already in the shower.

"What was up with you today, that kid almost had you," Blathe exclaimed as he towel-dried his hair a few minutes later.

"Man, put that towel around your waist, will you?" Nert glared at him.

"Why, are you enjoying the view?" Rye put in as he strolled by completely naked.

I rolled my eyes. "Can we change the subject?" I asked uncomfortably.

"Peeta, I'm surprised you're not taking advantage of this to sketch us like your slag heap girls," Leven teased.

"Yeah, aren't we just as sexy?" Rye grinned.

"I'm not drawing gay porn if that's what you're asking, but I may charge you extra if I end up taking it under consideration," I shot back.

"Really?" Nert asked hopefully. Blathe backed away from him slowly.

I laughed. "I might as well, since my mom is going to ask for half of the profits anyway," I replied.

"That sucks," Blathe said.

"No, what really sucks is that we have to get ready for the reaping after this," I said as I double-knotted my shoelaces while we all finished up getting dressed.

"I'm so glad this is my last year," Leven said in relief as we walked out of the locker rooms.

"Lucky bastard," Rye muttered. "But at least I don't have two more years like Peeta," he added cheerfully.

"What, you guys wouldn't volunteer for me if I was reaped?" I asked, half-jokingly, half-hopingly. Of course I wouldn't want them to actually sacrifice themselves for me, but I would do it for them; they were my brothers, after all.

But they all looked at me like I was crazy. "Who the hell would go willingly to the Hunger Games?" Nert asked.

"Yeah, that shit's intense, you might as well as the butcher to help you out on that one since you're practically asking to be slaughtered," Blathe pointed out.

"I don't love you  _that_ much," Rye joked, although part of me wondered if he was serious.

"Guys, don't be mean to Peeta, you know he would do it for us," Leven said in my defense as we walked in the middle of town.

I smiled at my oldest brother," Thanks, Leven," I said in relief.

Leven nodded briefly, and then added, "When this reaping is over, though, I'm asking Flora to marry me after graduation." It was then I noticed Leven's girlfriend Flora approaching us, running out of the flower's shop towards him. He walked faster as he met her halfway, scooping her into his arms and kissing her enthusiastically.

"Ugh, I think I'm going to puke," Rye scowled in disgust as we watched them. Something twitched in my underbelly, and I realized I was slightly jealous. Even though I was happy for Leven, I wished that I could have what he had with Flora; I wished that Katniss would love me the way I loved her. "Come on, Peeta, let's go home, he'll catch up to us later," Rye grumbled as he started walking away from our group.

"Yeah, we have to get going too," Blathe admitted, "The reaping will be pretty soon."

"My mom will be ticked if I'm not home getting ready," Nert muttered, more to himself than to us.

"Alright then, I'll see you guys later," I smiled as I waved them off and we split paths.

…

My mother had ironed matching shirts for me and my brothers, and we all left the house wearing light colored button-downs and pressed khakis, our hair styled and pushed back the same exact way since it was the only way our father had taught us to comb our hair and the only way our mother accepted it as presentable.

"What are you guys, doppelgangers or triplets?" Blathe snorted when he saw us as we got in our lines.

"Shut up, man," I mumbled, feeling queasy as I realized that Katniss Everdeen was only a few rows away from me, and that she looked sexy as hell. She was wearing a blue dress that complimented her form perfectly, bringing out her chest and hips, and her hair was up in an intricate braid, revealing her neck.

"Dude, this is not the time to get a boner," Nert whispered to me when he saw me mooning over Katniss. I looked down at my pants. Shit, I was pitching up a tent again, but at least everyone was distracted. Only my dick would get hard at a time like this, but what can I say, I was sexually deprived by choice; of course I had issues.

Soon, the ceremony began and they did the usual speeches and whatnot, but I hardly paid attention. I had already witnessed everything before, and the sooner this was over, the better. I didn't want to dwell upon the possibility of someone close to me being reaped. Of course, the bright side was that this was also the perfect opportunity to watch Katniss' chest fall and rise as she breathed…

"Primrose Everdeen!" Effie called out suddenly. My heart skipped a beat as I realized what had just occurred, and the expression on Katniss' face shattered me. That's when I knew. She was not going to let her little sister be sent to the slaughter, she was going to volunteer for her. Katniss was one of the few people in District Twelve brave enough to survive the Hunger Games, after all.

"I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute!" Katniss cried out frantically a few moments later.

My grief drowned out the rest. No, no, no, I still didn't want her to go. I had faith that she would survive, but she had suffered enough already; she didn't need this. I clenched my fists, feeling deep and utter loathing for the Capitol. They would not take any more away from her. But just when I was sure that my day could not possibly get any worse, I heard my name being called out. I looked up in alarm as I realized that it had come from Effie's mouth, that I had been reaped. I twisted my head around, wondering if I had misheard, but no one would meet my eyes.  _Fuck my life._ I started to walk towards the stage; the only good thing about this was that my boner was now gone. I walked past my brothers, but Rye didn't even notice me, and Leven had tears forming in his blue eyes as he mouthed  _"sorry."_

A knot formed in my throat when the fact that I was as good as dead dawned upon me. I met Katniss' steely gray eyes as I tried to keep it together. Effie made us shake hands, and it was then that I remembered the bread, and all of a sudden I was eleven again and death was knocking on my door, asking me to sacrifice myself for her. The answer was once again yes, I would trade a hundred lifetimes for her to stay alive. I would protect her, no matter what the cost.

The next sequence of events became a blur as we were escorted into the Justice Building. Katniss and I were separated into different rooms and were informed that visitors would come to see us soon, and that they would only be given a few minutes to say goodbye. My parents and brothers obviously walked in first.

I stood up from my armchair to meet them, and my father's arms instantly encircled me. "Remember what I said to you before, son, I'm proud of you and I love you." These were the first things that came out of his mouth, and I gritted my teeth to stop myself from crying, because I knew that there was no sense in doing so when we hardly had time to waste, and I wanted to say my goodbyes properly.

"I love you too, Dad," I croaked out. He pulled away and tried to hand me a bag of my favorite cookies, but I shook my head quickly. "Give them to her," I said pleadingly. He nodded in understanding, knowing exactly who I was referring to. My father, who knew me and loved me more than anyone else, would never deny me my last dying wish. I knew that, unlike my brothers, he would have given up his life for me in a heartbeat, but I wouldn't have allowed him to even if he could.

"Well aren't you going to say goodbye to your mother?" My mom interrupted us impatiently. "How convenient for you to be reaped right before I set you to work and you finally became useful, but at least our district may finally have a winner with that filthy Seam rat you like. She's a survivor, that one."

"Don't call her that!" I spat out. "I'm so fucking glad I won't get to see you anymore," I seethed, finally being able to tell her what I had been holding in for so long.

My mother tried to slap me, but my father held her back, and she didn't fight him, realizing that she was truly being overpowered this time; that I was truly angry and so was my father.

"Hey, calm down, bro," Leven said to me as he grabbed my shoulder.

"Don't even pretend to care about me after what just happened, you've betrayed me, both of you have," I glared at him and Rye, who was gazing down at the wooden floorboards in shame.

"Peeta, I'm sorry, okay? You're my little brother, and I care about you, but I couldn't leave Flora," he confessed.

"And hey, at least now you'll have your chance to talk to Katniss. Don't fuck it up, man," Rye added, trying to lighten up the mood.

"Yeah, and we both know you wouldn't have allowed us to volunteer for you anyways," Leven reminded me.

"Alright, give your brothers a hug and let's go," Dad said quickly as the Peacekeepers started opening the door. I gave them both a quick hug as they slapped me on the back before they were being dragged out of the room. They told me that they would miss me right before the door was slammed shut on their faces, and then they were gone.

I felt like collapsing in that instant, but a few seconds later, the door tore open again, and Delly, Nert, and Blathe rushed in, with Delly running into my arms as I picked her up. "I'm going to miss you, Dells; you were a great friend," I gasped into her ear before I set her back down on the floor.

"Don't say that, you're not dead yet," she accused, her eyes already dripping with tears.

"Yeah, you're still alive, and Katniss will be with you from now on," Nert pointed out.

"You'll get to die happy," Blathe concluded, trying to cheer me up, I suppose.

"If you die, you'll die as yourself," Delly demanded with conviction.

I nodded. "You guys are right. In a way, this is sort of a blessing. Maybe I would have never approached her if this hadn't happened, but now I'll at least get to protect her."

"I admire you, man," Nert said seriously.

"We'll be rooting for you," Blathe added.

"I hope you really do tell her you love her this time," Delly reproached me, half-playfully, half-seriously.

"I will," I promised her, "and not only that, but I will also make sure that she gets home safe, and that when I die for her, everyone will know that it was because I loved her, and that they couldn't take that away from me. They will never change me," I vowed.

"That's the spirit," Delly smiled softly, tears still staining her cheeks.

"You should at least get some before you die," Nert teased.

"Go get her, tiger," Blathe clapped me on the back, as if I were heading to my honeymoon instead of my funeral.

But I smiled at them anyway, wanting them to remember me this way when I was gone. We barely had time to finish up our goodbyes before the Peacekeepers dragged them out, and I was left alone again.

I didn't expect to get another visitor, but I did. It was none other than Gem Niche. I furrowed my brow in confusion, wondering what the hell she was doing here. I could have sworn I had seen the last of her, but apparently she had kept her word. I guess I should have known.

"Hello Peeta," she said casually as she stepped into the room.

"Uh…hi," I said numbly."What are you doing here?"

She pouted her lip. "I came to say goodbye, of course! Although to be honest, I have a feeling that you're going to survive. I mean, if my dumb cousin Glimmer from District One has a chance, so do you."

"What are you talking about?" I stuttered, still horribly perplexed.

"Never mind that, I'm really sorry about what's happening to you," she said sincerely as she came closer to me. Before I knew it, she was backing me up against the wall. "Do you know what they say about you at school, Peeta? All of the girls claim to have slept with you when you drew them, but I know a virgin when I see one, and I don't think it's fair that you're heading out there like this." She squeezed my crotch, and I gasped. "Let me make it up to you," she hissed in my ear.

I gulped. "Gem, we don't have time for this," I protested weakly, but I was already hardening beneath her probing palm. Why was I so weak?

"Then we'll make it quick," she said simply, and with that, she unzipped my pants and pulled my shorts down along with them, and before I knew it, she had her hot, wet, mouth around my cock, her tongue expertly encircling the slit as her hands rubbed up and down the shaft.

I moaned before realizing that I shouldn't be doing this; I had just proclaimed everlasting love to Katniss Everdeen and yet here I was, getting my dick sucked by Gem Niche because she thought a pity blowjob would make me feel better. I pulled her away from me then. "No," I growled. "I'm done with you, Gem; I don't want your pity."

She gaped at me in astonishment as it suddenly hit her that she had just been rejected, and I bent down to pull my shorts and pants back up as she stood up. I had just finished buttoning them when the Peacekeepers opened the door, telling Gem that her time was up. "Go," I ordered her before she could protest.

But she shook her head sadly. "It's your loss Peeta. You're already dead anyways," and with that, she left the room, taking all of her lies along with her.


	4. The Confession

Effie escorted us into the car that would take us to the train station, hustling us in as she chirped excitedly about how much we would love the Capitol. I was so distraught that I could hardly take in what she was saying, and I highly doubted that Katniss was listening either. I sat on the far side by the window as Effie sat in between us, still smiling as if we were heading to an exciting vacation instead of a bloodbath. I turned away from them as it suddenly dawned upon me that I would never come back, that I would be competing for my life against the girl I loved. A knot swelled up in my throat as I glanced out the window, taking in the last remnants of my life. I clenched my fists as I held back tears, remembering my dad hugging me, Delly telling me I still had hope, and my brothers insisting that at least I had a chance with Katniss Everdeen even though I didn't. Even Gem knew that I was heading towards my death. Everything was so fucked up and I just wanted to die already so that this torture would end. I wanted Katniss to win so that she could move on with her life and not live in poverty anymore, to live happily and marry Gale or whomever she wanted, or just bring her home to her little sister Prim. I had to remain alive long enough to protect her. I could still do this; I had to make sure this happened.

These were the thoughts that were running were through my mind as we headed out of the car, and before I knew it, we were stepping inside the luxurious Capitol train. My eyes widened as Katniss and I gaped at our surroundings, everything was so pristine and perfect and even the pastries looked too beautiful to eat. I briefly wondered who the chef was before my stomach rumbled loudly; the stale piece of bread I'd had with tea after wresting practice had only calmed my hunger pangs slightly. I had planned to eat a full dinner with my family after the reaping.

I gulped, dismissing that thought instantly as Katniss and I took a seat on the blue plush chairs while Effie chattered on about how lucky we were, until she finally left us there alone, announcing that she was going to go look for Haymitch. A few awkward moments passed in between us as I shifted awkwardly, trying not to look at her or think about the fact that we were almost touching. She was gazing out at the window silently, and it suddenly occurred to me that this was my chance to talk to her. I asked her if she had ever met Haymitch, but she was unresponsive. "You know, he  _is_ our mentor," I pointed out as I added that there was nothing wrong with getting a little bit of help. The look in her eyes as I said this out loud tightened something in my stomach, and I tried my best not to stare. Soon, Haymitch walked in drunkenly, and the rest of our evening would have been even more ruined had it not been for the largest buffet I had ever eaten. Never in my life had I been so full, and I sighed contentedly after we had finished eating dinner, thinking about going to bed. For a while, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to sleep, not only because I was sick to my stomach from everything that had happened and my belly being so full, but from the thought of having Katniss so close to me. Our drunken mentor Haymitch, however, ended up fixing that last problem for me by puking all over the carpet at the end of the night, and I assured Katniss that I would clean it up. She tried to protest, but eventually ended up leaving, obviously relieved. The sight of our drunken old naked mentor repulsed me out of sexual thoughts for the rest of the night.

….

The rest of the Capitol was just as impressive as Effie had promised, and I would be lying if said I didn't particularly enjoy masturbating in the rose-scented showers after our training sessions. We had been in the Capitol for a few days now, and I kept trying to come up with ways to capture Katniss' attention, although admittedly without much success. When we had been presented in the chariots and they had made us look like we were on fire, I tried to grab a hold of her hand, but she resisted at first. The way that she had pulled away from me stung, but I insisted that it was for the audience, and she eventually gave in. I could still remember the way that her fingers had interlaced through mine as I gripped on to her tightly, never wanting to let her go.

"You have to woo her," Haymitch had advised me the night I had washed him on the train.

"But how? She's never noticed me before, why would she pay attention to me now that she's in danger?" I put out.

"Because you're going to protect her, you're going to convince her that you're sacrificing yourself out of love. The audience will eat it all up," he chuckled.

I winced. "I want it to be real," I protested.

"The only thing that's real is that your life is in danger," he shot back, and that had been the end of it.

At least it had been until I had an outrage during breakfast that morning, announcing that I had no chance of winning and that I wasn't going to kill anybody with a sack of flour. I knew that Katniss had only been trying to help when she had mentioned my strength, but, as much it stroked my ego, that didn't change anything. I even told her how my mother had mentioned that our district might finally have a winner, and how she had been referring to Katniss instead of me.

And so it was that I suddenly found myself struggling with a net in the training center, trying to climb it unsuccessfully as I kept falling on my ass. The careers were in the corner laughing and pointing at me, commenting on how lame I was. I glared at them as Katniss suddenly came up to me, her training outfit hugging her body so tightly it made my cock twitch. "Throw that metal thing over there," she suggested.

"What?" I asked stupidly. "No, Haymitch said we're not supposed to show off our skill," I protested.

"I don't care what Haymitch said, those guys are looking at you like you're a meal," she interjected. I turned to where she was pointing, and, sure enough, that asshole Cato from District 2 was smirking at me. Besides, Katniss hadn't  _asked_  me to do it, she had  _ordered_ me to do it, and if this is what I needed to do to impress her and the Careers, then so be it. "Throw it," she said with finality as she walked off.

I stood up then, breathing steadily as I prepared myself. I went towards the boulders and picked one up by the handle, gripping it tightly before clenching my jaw and concentrating the weight on my legs as I staggered with it. I then lifted my arm steadily over my head, quickly flinging the boulder across the room, where it clashed loudly against other pieces of metal equipment. I exhaled as the rush of adrenaline left my body, and the careers walked away, looking somewhat impressed. I turned toward Katniss, and she smiled at me slightly before concentrating back on her snare.

I smiled to myself as I headed up to the camouflage station, where I had a good view of her ass without her noticing me staring. I picked up the paints and started working on my arm, creating a pattern that would match the bark of the sample trees behind me. Soon, I became so absorbed in my task that I barely noticed it when Katniss approached me. "Hi," she said softly.

"Hey," I replied in surprise, hardly able to believe that she was actually initiating a conversation with me this time.

"What's that?" she asked curiously, pointing at my arm. I smiled at her and told her about how I used to decorate the cakes at the bakery, and demonstrating how the pattern on my arm matched the one on the bark of the tree. She seemed impressed by this; score two for me. It was then that I noticed a small, dark-skinned girl spying on us. I recognized her as the District 11 tribute.

"Hey, I think you have a shadow," I informed Katniss, smiling as she turned around. But the young girl- Rue? Went back into hiding.

For the rest of the training session, I watched Katniss as she worked out, her athletic figure stretching in a cat-like manner when she worked her muscles, her brow sweating and her breasts bouncing when she ran. I still couldn't get over how her chest stood out prominently from inside her suit, how every curve of her body was so clearly defined, how tight her ass seemed. I bit my lip as I adjusted my pants so that no one would notice my arousal. If her pants were tight, mine were ten times tighter, and I couldn't afford to be ridiculed in front of everybody again. Every training session was a competition between me and my rising dick. Eventually, it was time for us to leave, and I hurried towards the elevators, where I spent another two minutes admiring her figure from the corner of my eye before we piled out to the penthouse and I ran towards my shower, anxious to relieve the painful pressure building in my crotch.

 _I'm going to fuck her from behind so hard_ , I thought to myself as I worked myself in the shower, the smell of rose-scented body wash invading my nostrils while I used it as lube. I had already used up all of the actual lubrication that they had left in my room for today, and I was too embarrassed to ask for more. I groaned as I replayed the images of her breasts bouncing during her jogs, her ragged breathing causing her chest to rise and fall even more. I wanted to bury my face in them and swirl my tongue all around her pebbled nipples, to knead her tits with my hands and make her moan erratically.  _The things I would do to her._ I would dig my cock deep into her and make her arch her back, wanting it all. I gasped in relief as the sweet release came to me, and I was forced to face the cold, cruel reality again.

Katniss didn't know I had feelings for her. She simply saw me as a partner, and not the type of partner I was in my sexual fantasies. I had to find a way to let her know the effect that she had on me.

….

"From District Twelve, please welcome, Peeta Mellark!" Caesar Flickerman announced as the audience went wild.

"Peeta, welcome! How are you finding the Capitol, and don't say with a map," he teased.

"Ah, it's different; it's very different than back home," I admitted. It had been a while since I had trained with Katniss; ever since we had received our training scores, I had decided that I would train separately from her so that I could concentrate better, and come up with a way to protect her now that I knew that she was going to win. She had received the highest score, an eleven versus my eight. I never had much hope anyways.

"Different? In what way, give us an example," Caesar asked.

"Uh, okay, well the uh, showers here are weird," I blurted out. It was the first thing I came up with, since I spent so much time in them.

"The showers? We have different showers," he affirmed as the audience laughed.

"I have a question for you, Caesar; do I smell like roses to you?" I went on,  _because I've been jacking off to rose-scented body wash for weeks now_ , I thought.

The audience burst out laughing as I gestured to Caesar to smell my neck, and he did, causing the audience to erupt into mirth even more. "Yeah, do I smell like…" he asked as I leaned in to smell him.

"You definitely smell better than I do," I decided, catching a strong whiff of roses from him.

"Well, I've lived here longer," Caesar concluded as he chuckled.

"That makes sense," I allowed as I sat back in my seat with a triumphant grin.

He gripped my knee as I crossed it over my leg, telling me that I was funny. "So Peeta, tell me, is there a special girl back home?" Caesar asked, his blue eyebrows arching as he grinned widely.

"No, not really," I admitted honestly. She was right here in the Capitol.

"No? I don't believe it for a second, look at that face, handsome man like you! Peeta, tell me," he insisted. There was something sincere in his face that made me trust him.

"Well uh, there is one girl that I've had a crush on forever," I admitted seriously.

"Ah," he grinned.

"But uh, I don't think she even recognized me until the reaping," I added quickly.

He pouted, and then said, "Well, I'll tell you what Peeta, you go out there, and win this thing, and when you get home, she'll  _have_ to go out with you," he told me. "Right, folks?" he asked the crowd as they started clapping.

He threw his head back and laughed. "Thanks, but uh, I don't think winning's going to help me at all," I said sincerely.

"And why not?" he demanded.

This was it, the big question. The moment in which it once again hit me that the girl I loved would be competing against me to the death, and that I was going to lose because I was giving up my life for her, and because I never really had a chance in the first place. She would never love me back. I sighed, deciding to let it out quickly, "Because she came here with me."

There it was, I had just dropped a bomb, and the audience had acted accordingly. Everyone pitied me now. I wondered what Katniss was thinking at this moment. Would she hate me? "Well that's bad luck," Caesar said sadly.

I nodded, swallowing the bile that was rising up in my throat. "Yeah, it is," my voice sounded as heartbroken as I felt. I didn't need to pretend anything; all of this was very real to me.

"And I wish you all the best of luck," Caesar concluded genuinely as he extended his hand out to me.

"Thank you," I told him as I shook it, knowing that somehow he truly meant it.

"Peeta Mellark! District Twelve!" he announced one last time, and the crowd cheered loudly before I left the stage.

It was backstage where Katniss suddenly gripped me by the shoulder and attacked me, shoving me up against the wall. "What the hell was that?" she yelled as she dug her arm across my chest. "You don't talk to me and then you say you have a crush on me? You say you wanna train alone, is that how you wanna play?" she demanded, her gray eyes furious, making her look hotter than ever as I resisted the urge to grind into her. Oh yeah, she was definitely mad, and I was so turned on I had to clench my jaw. All I basically heard was her asking me if I wanted to play.  _Holy shit she was touching me and my body was against hers and the wall. I will never bathe again. I can finally die happy._

"Stop it, stop it!" Haymitch shouted as he grabbed her, holding her back and away from me while Effie screeched in the background. I gaped, knowing that I was hard as a rock and that I was completely exposed without Katniss shielding me.

"Let's start right now!" she challenged. She sounded so sexy.

"Hey, he did you a favor," Haymitch hissed. A sexual favor, I hoped.

"He made me look weak!" she protested angrily. I highly doubted that.

"He made you look  _desirable,_ which in your case can't hurt, sweetheart," Haymitch pointed out.

"He's right, Katniss," Cinna added helpfully.

"Of course I'm right, and I can sell the star-crossed lovers from District Twelve," he finished.

"We are not star-crossed lovers," she seethed. I was more turned on by her than ever.

" _It's a television show,_ and being in love with that boy may get you sponsors, which could save your damn life," Haymitch spat at her. He sighed. "Okay, why don't you get out of here," he told me as he pat my shoulder. "Maybe I can deliver you both in one piece tomorrow," he muttered.

"Manners," Effie pointed at Katniss, as if she were a misbehaving pet.

I looked back at her sadly as we walked away; wishing that I could apologize to her for telling everyone else that I was in love with her when I hadn't even told her. She deserved to know that it was real. But it didn't matter anymore, not really. The less she knew now, the better. Having her think that it was all pretend was probably for the best.

That night, I couldn't sleep, so I snuck up to the roof to watch the crowds cheer loudly as Seneca Crane, the head game maker, appeared on the screen. The guy had a pretty cool beard, but I highly doubted that they were cheering about that. They were more likely to be excited about us being slaughtered tomorrow at the games.

"You too?" Katniss asked as she appeared behind me.

"Hey," I replied pleasantly as I turned around to see her in a very sensual gold nightgown.

"Couldn't sleep?" she guessed.

"Of course not," I scoffed, more to myself than to her. I was too horny and too scared. It was a strange combination, but not unusual for me.

"I'm sorry I went after you," she apologized softly.

I looked up at her. "You know I meant that as a compliment," I clarified. Not to mention the fact that I liked it when she went after me, for completely messed-up reasons.

"I know," she smiled shyly, and I beamed as she sat across from me, pulling her bare legs up to her chest, accidently allowing me a clear view of her white cotton underwear. I turned back to the window, pretending not to notice as my pants tightened. How I wished that she wouldn't wear underwear.

"Listen to them," she referred to the crowd outside.

"Yeah…I just don't want them to change me," I suddenly confessed.

Her gray eyes turned to me, confused. "How would they change you?" she asked.

"I don't know…by turning me into something I'm not," I told her. "I just don't want to be another piece in their game, you know?" I wanted to be in love with her forever and show them that I could sacrifice myself for her.

"You mean not kill anyone?" she seemed perplexed.

I shook my head, "No, I mean, I'm sure I would, just like anyone would, when the time came. I just wish I could think of a way to show them that they don't own me. You know, if I'm gonna die, I wanna still be me," I declared, allowing that to sink in for a few seconds. "Does that make sense?"

"Yeah…I just can't afford to think like that," she realized. "I have my sister."

I smiled. She was so brave, and I admired her courage so much. "I know," I assured her. She didn't have to worry about that, though, because she would win, and I would do my best to make sure that she and Prim would be reunited again. We talked for a little while longer, and then I headed to bed, knowing that I would dream of her white panties before I fell asleep. It was a small consolation for the price I would have to pay tomorrow.


	5. The Arena

"Twenty … nineteen … eighteen …" We were standing on the arena's platforms, watching the countdown above the cornucopia. I looked around until I met Katniss' gaze to my far left. She had been eyeing the set of bow and arrows. I shook my head at her, trying to remind her that Haymitch had warned us that it was all a set-up. Anyone who wasn't a career and tried to grab a weapon would be immediately slaughtered. "Ten … nine … eight …" I swallowed as I braced myself to run. I would not grab anything. I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction, trying to avoid everyone, and I hoped that Katniss would do the same. "Three … two… one …"

And then it began. My feet were flying through the ground, my arms pumping up and down as I looked around frantically. I caught a brief glance of Katniss snatching a bright orange backpack before Clove, the girl from District 2, threw a knife at her. My heart skipped a beat as I nearly considered stopping to see if she was alright. But when I glanced towards her again, she had the bag tossed over her shoulder, the handle of the knife protruding from it. I smiled to myself as I almost reached the safety of the trees before someone grabbed me by the hood of my jacket, nearly choking me. Before I knew it, I fell to the ground, and I was out.

When I finally came to, the first thing I saw was a bright orange sunset, and I briefly wondered if I was dead. But that was before Cato's wicked grin came into a view; surely death was more pleasant. "Well, well, if it isn't Lover Boy," he sneered. "Look who finally woke up!" he announced to the rest of the Careers as they gathered around me.

"I want to fuck him first," demanded Glimmer, the blonde girl from District 1. Her and Gem could be twins. Evil rapist twins.

Clove rolled her eyes at her in disgust. "Haven't you had enough cock for today?" she scowled.

"Shut up bitches, that's not why we caught him!" Cato yelled at them, and they instantly, but begrudgingly, fell silent. He then turned back to me. "We have a proposal for you. We saw how strong you were at the training center, and we think you might be useful to us. We'll keep you alive if you agree to help us find your district partner, and if not, then we'll kill you now. It's up to you," he shrugged.

"That's not much of a choice," I gritted my teeth.

"Sure it is, you'll have your way with her before we kill her, or you will die a slow painful death," Marvel, the dark-haired boy from District 1, replied sarcastically. "It's just a hard offer to resist," he concluded.

"I'm not going to do that with Katniss," I growled.

Cato laughed. "Yeah, you're right; she's not worth the effort. So do what do you say? Allies?" he asked, offering his hand to me.

I pursed my lips as I contemplated their offer, but then realized that I could use this opportunity to lead them  _away_  from Katniss; this was my best chance to save her. "Fine, I'll do it," I replied tersely as took his hand, and he pulled me up effortlessly.

"That's what I thought," Cato smirked. "Since you've been out all day, you'll take the first night watch with Glimmer and Gizmo over there," he nodded towards the young small-framed boy from District 3 who was sitting on a tree trunk. He was busy twisting some sort of wire in his hands, and I was guessing that they were using him to set up a trap. "Clove, Marvel, and I will take over later. But first, we're going hunting. Gizmo will stay here to set up the explosives," he informed us as I glanced around and realized that they had been digging up the platforms. He then turned to Gizmo, "You better not mess up, you little shit!" he spat at him as he began to walk into the forest, and the rest of us followed suit.

We stomped around the forest carelessly, not even minding the fact that we were basically warning everyone that we were coming. Haymitch was right: the Careers were arrogant. They joked around and laughed as we saw smoke drifting up from the trees a few yards away. I was glad that Katniss knew how to survive in the forest, and wouldn't do something stupid like that. She would survive. I gulped as I realized that the same could not be said of the girl who was warming up her hands in front of the fire as we approached her from behind. She spun around when she heard us coming, and screamed when Cato stabbed her violently with a spear. She kept begging us not to kill her, and I flinched away as I waited for her cries to die out. Cato kicked her body aside when he was done, and the rest of the Careers chuckled and praised him for his ruthless kill. "Come on, Lover Boy, it's your turn to lead us to the Girl on Fire now," he said mockingly, and everyone else burst out laughing at his joke.

I nodded anyway, leading them into a small clearing with tall trees surrounding it. It was then that I felt a small tugging in my lower stomach, and I looked up and saw her sitting on a high branch. My heart sank as her gray eyes glared at me with pure venom, sensing my betrayal. I gulped. "I think she went over there," I told them as I kept walking, pretending that I hadn't noticed her. She hated me, I realized. She hated me and she would continue to hate me long after I was dead; she would never know that I had died trying to save her, she would never believe it. She probably thought that my love confession was nothing but an attempt to gain sponsors, that it had been anything but genuine. It was a high price to pay, but it was well worth saving her life. I kept telling myself this as the Careers became more and more impatient after several hours had trickled by, occasionally killing an unsuspecting tribute or two along the way. Cato was displeased because we hadn't found Katniss, but I convinced him that we would find her tomorrow, although I hoped it was a lie.

By the time that we made it back to the Cornucopia, Gizmo had finished setting up the booby traps around the mountain of food supply, and he taught us how to walk around it so that we could get food, although he had left some of it out for when we returned. I was suddenly grateful about the fact that I was allied with the Careers, as I probably would have starved without them. But guilt prickled me just as quickly when I remembered that Katniss was out there going hungry, and that, unlike me, she truly knew starvation. I couldn't eat well after that, and, after we finished eating, Cato, Marvel, and Clove settled into their sleeping bags while I sat out between Gizmo and Glimmer with a spear in my hand.

Glimmer was glancing down at me lustfully, but I ignored her and tried to start a conversation with Gizmo instead. "That's pretty cool, what you did with the booby traps," I praised him. "You must be quite a genius."

He glanced down, embarrassed. "Uh, thanks, I guess," he stammered, nervously ripping fistfuls of grass with his thin fingers, still avoiding my gaze.

Glimmer rolled her eyes impatiently. "Ugh, I'm thirsty; go get me some water, Gizmo," she ordered him, and he instantly ran off to fetch it.

She grinned. "I'm not actually thirsty," she whispered in my ear as her hand trailed up my thigh before I shoved it away roughly. I was tired of girls having their way with me, especially if they weren't Katniss.

She pouted at me, and, just then, we heard someone moan and grunt a few yards away, and that's when I realized that Cato and Clove were sharing a sleeping bag. I scowled in disgust as I saw Cato hopping up and down on top of Clove. They weren't even trying to keep it quiet, much less hide it. Glimmer noticed it as well, her eyes darkening in rage and envy. Just then, Gizmo came back with a water flask for her, and Glimmer ripped it from his grasp as she screeched in frustration and threw it aside. "W-what did I do?" Gizmo stammered, his eyes widening in fear.

"Shut up!" she screamed angrily as Clove moaned Cato's name a few yards away.

"Yes! Yes! More!" Clove continued to gasp as Cato increased the speed of his frantic thrusts. I felt like I was watching a Capitol porno. "Harder, ugh, yes- CATO!" Clove obviously didn't care if all of Panem heard her.

"Fucking bitch," Glimmer hissed under her breath, not tearing her eyes away from the scene. "Just wait until it's  _my_ turn," she vowed, trailing off.

Gizmo was huddled in the corner, pretending not to hear any of it as Marvel snored loudly on the other side of the camp, completely oblivious and uncaring to it all. I exhaled, unable to stand it anymore. "I'm going to the bathroom," I announced to no one in particular as I stood up and walked to the edge of the forest just as Cato and Clove hit their climax. I was sure that everyone in the arena had heard them as they cursed and moaned. Cato sounded like a dying bear.

I rolled my eyes. They were probably just being overdramatic for the cameras; Cato was the one who received the most parachutes, and now I knew why. He had two girls at his disposal for when he wasn't killing innocent tributes. To be honest, I was mad, no, I was furious, and perhaps even slightly jealous. Glimmer and Clove had no shame, but Cato was worse for taking advantage of them both. And what was worse was that he was being  _rewarded_  for getting his dick wet, while Glimmer and Clove were probably being prized for faking orgasms (Cato's record was probably forty seconds since he was so impatient). It was disgusting, and I could never imagine using Katniss that way, no matter how bad I wanted her.

Before I knew it, I found myself masturbating to release my anger; it seemed to be the cure for everything nowadays. Stupid fucking Cato and his condom-filled parachutes. Stupid Glimmer and Gem and their desperate attempts to pull on my dick. Stupid me for wanting Katniss against a tree right now. Well, she probably  _was_ against a tree, but thinking about how much she hated my guts. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I was going to die anyway, so I might as well jerk off and forget it was ever going to happen. But that didn't stop me from imagining Katniss' beautiful scowl on my lips, her gray eyes livid as she looked down at me from under her branch when she sensed my betrayal. It just made me want to bang her right here on the forest floor; it reminded me of the time she slammed me hard against the wall after my interview, her breasts inches from my face and her hips perfectly aligned with mine, her breath hot against my ear. She had no idea, the effect she could have. All I ever thought about was her long dark braid running through my fingers, her small olive-toned body beneath mine. I felt like she was torturing me slowly by making me wait for her, but she didn't even know I wanted to make her mine; she had no idea I was waiting for something that would never come. But I came anyway, and then I pulled up my pants and headed back to camp.

* * *

"Cato, remember that it's  _my_ turn to share your sleeping bag tonight; Clove already had her turn yesterday," Glimmer whined as we walked through the forest the next day, still in search of Katniss.

"Yeah, yeah, don't worry, as soon as we kill this bitch, we're heading back to camp to celebrate," he assured her. "I was thinking we could try a threesome…. Hey, there she is!" he yelled suddenly as he pointed forward, where I had been hoping that they wouldn't notice Katniss running through the trees. But once again, I had failed.

My stomach twisted into knots as they whooped and cheered while we started running after her. Katniss' eyes widened in terror; like a doe being chased by a hunter, she was now the prey. I gulped as Cato nearly caught her, but not before she scrambled up into a tree, and I sighed in relief. "Get her, Cato!" Glimmer cheered him on as he tried to climb after with a spear in his hand. Marvel and Clove joined her in excitement, adding frightening encouragements.

 _Please, please don't catch her,_ I prayed as Cato suddenly slipped, unable to climb up the bark and hold on to his spear at the same time.

"Ugh, forget it, I'll get her!" Glimmer groaned impatiently, aiming an arrow at her, but missing as well.

Katniss smirked, and her smile lit up my world, "Why don't you throw the spear?" she mocked, and I had to hold myself back from laughing.

Cato seethed and paced around the tree trunk like an untamed lion seeking escape. "Why don't we just wait her out? She'll have to come down eventually," I suggested, hoping that I would sound convincing.

Cato turned to me, and for a second I feared that he would snap my neck, but then he relented and ordered us to set up camp. I would have been relieved had it not been for Katniss' accusing glare.  _I'll keep you safe,_  I promised her with my gaze, but I knew that neither of us was convinced.

* * *

It was unusually cold that night, and it made me wonder if it was just me as I shivered from beneath Katniss' tree. I lay at an angle that allowed me a perfect view of her and the false stars above. Every once in a while she would glance down to scowl at me, and I would feel an uncomfortable ache in my groin. Surely this obsession with her glares wasn't healthy. But I had no reason to feel guilty; there was no way I could let her know that I was only trying to protect her. It was better this way, anyway. Part of me worried that I was only in love with her aggressiveness, that I was just being a foolish masochist, but then I would remember her voice when she sang and her smile from before, and I knew that there was no side of her I didn't love. The fact that I didn't know her as well as I wanted to didn't stop me from yearning for more. Always yearning. I sighed as I began to drift off along with the others, until I fell into a fitful sleep.

I woke up to the unmistakable sound of horrified screams, and my eyes popped open as I felt tracker jackers crawling and buzzing all around me. My adrenaline kicked in as I immediately started running behind the Careers and we headed towards the river, bees stinging us everywhere as we ran in fear. It wasn't until I was a few yards away that I remembered— _Katniss!_ Without thinking, I turned around and ran back in the direction where I had come from until I found her stealing a dead Glimmer's arrows. Her eyelids were drooping and she swayed, dazed from the stings. "Katniss! What are you doing here, go! Run, go!" I yelled urgently at her. She seemed befuddled, but eventually she caught on to my words and stumbled up, grabbing the bow and arrows and running off as fast as she could.

As always, my sigh of relief didn't last long.

"Where is she?" Cato demanded when he and the rest of the Careers came back.

"I-I, don't know, I guess she ran off," I stammered quickly.

"You idiot, you let her escape, and now Glimmer's dead!" he bellowed as he shoved me down on the ground where Glimmer's corpse had been a few minutes ago, before it was taken away.

"I-I'm sorry," I lied, knowing that this was my end. "I tried my best," I added as I stood back up, but Marvel held me back so that I couldn't run, and Clove stood beside him to prod me with one of her knives.

"I'm fucking tired of your shit, you know that? You're useless to us!" he roared as he lifted up his sword, and I flinched before he impaled it into my leg. I let out a strangled cry; the pain was so unbearable it was almost numbing. I felt like I was burning. The last thing I saw was Clove's evil smirk before I blacked out.

* * *

I had been out for a few days now, but I had somehow managed to crawl back towards the river and camouflage myself in between some rocks. I had been drifting in and out since then, not eating or drinking anything, waiting for death to come. I had never wished to be dead as much as I did now; I just wanted it to end. But that was until I heard the announcement. For a while, I thought I had imagined or dreamed up the whole thing; surely they wouldn't actually allow  _two_ tributes to win. It must be a set-up, I thought. Maybe they wanted me and Katniss to be the last two tributes so that we could kill each other, but I would never allow that to happen. I was going to die soon anyway.

And then she came. I opened my eyes, and sure enough, there she was, looking around even though I was right beneath her feet. I smiled, and then I grabbed on to her ankle. "Come to finish me off, sweetheart?" I croaked; my voice hadn't been used in a while.

She jumped. "Peeta!" she cried when she saw me, and I blinked. Then, "do that again," she requested. I blinked once more, and she gaped at me in awe before quickly bending down to scrape off the moss and rocks above my chest.

"Oh my god, Peeta," she gasped as she kneeled down beside me and held me to her chest, holding me tightly as she stroked my hair. It was then that I realized that my face was smothered all over her chest, and for a blissful minute I was sure that I had finally died and gone to heaven, and I would spend the rest of eternity with my face in between her wonderfully soft breasts. Who knew death could be so sweet?

Unfortunately, I was still alive, and I realized this when she pulled me back to survey me. She found the wound on my leg and cringed. She began by pouring water over me with her canister to clean me off, and then started to take my clothes off to bathe me. Her callused hands were small and gentle on my fevered skin. I willingly allowed her to pull off my pants, hoping that she would pull my undershorts off too, but she left them on. Ever so decent and pure. I almost wished that Cato had stabbed me higher up, maybe somewhere on my upper thigh so that her hands were closer to my crotch. It was a good thing I was sick, because otherwise I would have a raging erection right now. I was willing to lose my leg in exchange of having her hands all over me all the time.

"What was it?" she asked once she started examining my wound.

"A sword," I replied painfully.

"It's bad, huh?" I grimaced.

"It's gonna be fine," she lied. It was a nice thought, but she wasn't fooling me; I knew I wouldn't survive this.

"Katniss-" I began to protest as she poured water over the wound, and I clenched my teeth in pain.

"No," she snapped.

"Katniss," I insisted as she continued.

"I'm not gonna leave you. I'm not gonna do that." She said firmly.

"Why not?" I asked, but she didn't answer, and that was that.

After she was done with that, she bandaged up my wound as best as she could with a piece of cloth, and then started washing my clothes in the river. I watched her silently as she worked, not being able to help noticing how her body swayed over the riverbank, how her ass looked so tight from here. I bit my lip as the frantic movement of her arms caused her small, perky breasts to bounce slightly, and I wished that my head was still against her chest. Finally, she stood up and laid my clothes out to dry, then went back up to me and noticed that my undershorts were still filthy. Surely I could take them off now?

"I'm going to need to wash those too," she said shyly, her cheeks turning red.

I instantly obliged and started to pull on the sides, but then she stopped me. "No!" she cried out in alarm, and I looked up at her in surprise. "Here, cover yourself with this," she ordered as she tossed me her orange backpack.

I quirked up an eyebrow. "Why? I don't care if you see my naked," I pointed out.  _I want you to,_ I thought, but I didn't dare say that out loud. It's not like I was hard right now anyways. But how could she possibly know that I wanted to be hers as much as I wanted her to be mine? She'd probably laugh at me if I told her that; it was a ridiculous argument when you were on live television and everyone could see you.

"You're just like my mother and Prim," she mused, still avoiding my gaze. So she had seen naked men before. What was the big deal, then? I was dying and I just wanted her to be my nurse and my friend, I knew that it couldn't go farther than that. At this point, I couldn't even if she wanted to. But she turned around courteously and waited for me to remove my undershorts, and I tossed them towards the river bank when I was done, strategically placing the orange backpack on my crotch. I sighed. I couldn't blame her. I didn't want to see myself either, not right now. But I figured that my Katniss was just pure and innocent that way, and I loved her for it. She could do no wrong in my eyes; everything about her was endearing and tugged at my heart.

But then again, maybe I was just thinking that because she was washing my two-week-old underwear, which of course I hadn't removed in all of this time. I wasn't sure which color it was supposed to be anymore. What she was doing couldn't possibly be pleasant, but she didn't bat an eye or wrinkle her nose, as I'm sure my mother would have done. Heck, my mother would have thrown it away and screeched at me. She would have slapped me and made me wash my own underwear for the rest of the year.

Why couldn't I just marry Katniss Everdeen?

I sighed, not sure if this was a sign that I would die happy or not. Katniss finished up and laid my undershorts out along with the rest of my clothing, and she tried to get me to eat as we waited for it to dry, but without much success. My stomach recoiled at the thought of food; I couldn't even remember what my last meal had been, but I was definitely not hungry. The most I was able hold down was water and a few pieces of dried fruit, but even that had been difficult enough. "You're sicker than I thought," she said worriedly as she touched my forehead. "Come on, we have to find some shelter," she added after a while, and, once I was dressed, she helped me up. I held back a guttural cry of agony when I leaned on my bad leg, and she put her arm around me and gripped my hand, interlocking her fingers with mine. I held on to her for dear life as I limped beside her, my breaths coming out in short pants, until we finally reached a cave.


	6. The Cave

We stepped into the cool depths of the cave, staggering until Katniss helped me lay down on the ground. "Nobody's gonna find you here," she assured me.

"They already found me," I pointed out panting, gripping my bad leg.

"We'll just get you some medicine," she said quickly.

"Katniss, I don't get very many parachutes," I admitted, wincing in pain.

"We'll figure something out," she insisted.

"Like what?" I asked, unconvinced.

"Something," she said hastily, and then leaned down to kiss me gently on the cheek.

I barely had time to register what had happened before she pulled away, and I had to hold myself back from begging her for another one. My hot, fevered skin still tingled from where her chapped lips had touched it. Her gray eyes met mine for a few precious moments before she turned away to re-inspect my wound, telling me to get some rest while she went out hunting for food.

When she came back with a parachute, I asked her eagerly if it was medicine, but she shook her head. "No. Soup," she said as she opened the container. I reached out for it, but she pulled it away. "I'll do it," she said firmly, holding the spoon towards my lips as I carefully slurped the hot soup.

"That's nice," I sighed, feeling the warm liquid slide down my throat.

"You fed me once," she reminded me as she dipped the spoon into the bowl.

"I think about that all the time," I suddenly blurted out. She stopped. "How I tossed you that bread…"

"Peeta…" she began.

"I should have gone to you. I should have just gone out in the rain and…" the words were erupting out of my mouth as my frustration began to overwhelm me. I had kept them inside for too long and now I could no longer contain them.

"Shh," she soothed me as she placed her palm on my forehead. "You feel hot," she said worriedly.

But I didn't want her to fret over me endlessly; it was pointless considering how little time I had left. So instead I decided to say something, anything, preferably everything. I had to tell her how I felt before it was too late; she had to know that I was trying to protect her. I remember Katniss from that very first day of kindergarten, when I first saw her and fell hopelessly in love with her. She was wearing a red dress and two lovely braids. My father had pointed her out to me. He had told me that he used to be in love with her mother, but that she married a coal miner instead of him. I asked him why, and he had sighed and replied, "Because when he sings, all the birds stop to listen." And it was true. Later on in the music assembly, I saw Katniss raise her hand eagerly as she volunteered to sing  _The Valley Song_. She had inherited her father's gift. Every single bird outside had stopped to listen. And just like that, I knew I was a goner.

I told her this story, hoping that she would understand. I was in love with her, had always been, and always would be. I have loved her ever since I was five years old, in the innocent and pure way that a child could to love. My feelings had evolved since then, and they were only growing stronger as time went by and I got to know her more. Now I could only hope and wish that she wouldn't reject me.

"Stop," she kept whispering.

"After that, I watched you going home every day," I said passionately. "Every day," I emphasized with finality. She turned away, as if not knowing what to make of my confession. "Well, say something," I pleaded. But she just stared at me blankly with those unfathomable gray eyes of hers.

She shook her head briskly. "I'm not good at saying something," she admitted softly.

"Then come here," I requested. She hesitated. "Please?" I added.

Finally, she set the container of soup aside and laid her head on my chest, with her hand over my stomach. How I had dreamed of having her body this close to me for so long. I almost couldn't believe that she was lying down in my arms; I figured I must truly be dying. I shook my head, "Katniss, even if I don't make it…" I began.

"Shh," she stopped me, holding her palm up over my torso, "Stop it."

So I did. All I had wanted to say was that I knew that she would make it, and that she would eventually find happiness with Gale or someone else and that my dad would give her bread every day so that she would never go hungry again. I knew that he would; it was my last dying wish. But all of these thoughts were probably trivial to Katniss right now, so I closed my eyes and tried get some sleep.

* * *

"Attention Tributes, attention. Commencing at sunrise, there will be a feast tomorrow at the Cornucopia. This will be no ordinary event," the announcer said as Katniss and I glanced at each other. "Each of you needs something desperately, and we plan to be generous hosts."

"Your medicine," Katniss exclaimed.

"You're not going alone," I said adamantly.

"Yeah? You need it, and you can't walk," she reminded me.

"Katniss, you're not going to risk your life for me. I'm not gonna let you," I said urgently, trying to explain to her that I wasn't really worth saving when she was the one who truly needed to survive.

I grabbed her backpack, but she tugged it away abruptly. "You would do it for me. Wouldn't you?" she demanded. I gasped, feeling like she had just kicked me in the gut. She should know by now that I would die for her in a heartbeat.

I shook my head as I tried to clear it. "Why are you doing this?" I asked, genuinely perplexed.

But instead of answering verbally, she let go of her bow and dived for my lips and kissed me. Her chapped lips enclosed over my hot feverish ones, taking her mouth into mine as I responded back eagerly. I had kissed girls before, but those kisses couldn't possibly compare to what I was feeling now. My first kiss with Katniss Everdeen was unforgettable, unbelievable, and incomparable. I had dreamed and imagined this kiss so many times, of when it would play out, of where it would take place, and of how she would she react. Never in my wildest fantasies did it take place in a cave during the Hunger Games while my knee was oozing blood and pus, though. I suppose it wasn't very romantic in that aspect, but at least I could die happy now. I don't know how long the kiss lasted, but it could have been an eternity and it still wouldn't have been enough. I may have been sick, but I was pretty sure my head hadn't been so light and my heart hadn't been pounding so frantically before. All that existed in those moments were Katniss Everdeen's determined lips over mine. I didn't even care if she had just kissed me to shut me up; I would keep talking if that's what it took for her to kiss me again.

"Now there's no way I'm letting you go," I gasped once she had released me from the intense kiss.

"Peeta…" she pulled away, letting go of my neck.

"Stay. Please?" I begged.

She finally took pity on me as she heard the desperation in my voice, "Okay. I'll stay," she allowed as she lay back down with her head across my chest once more, and I wrapped one arm around her. I shivered and lay my head back on the hard ground as I tried to adjust, but any position was uncomfortable at this point. I just hoped that Katniss was a little cozier, since she was using me as a pillow.

I would love to say that I slept soundly the entire night, but my fever only got worse, and I couldn't sleep from the pain in my leg. When we received another parachute, it was a bottle of some mysterious substance, and Katniss told me that it was medicine, but I was slightly suspicious about it. She made me drink it anyway, and the sweet, syrupy taste reminded me of jelly and sugar and my father's home remedies… perhaps cough syrup. It was then that I realized that she had given me sleep syrup, but by then I was out like a light.

When I woke up the next day, she was sleeping soundly by my side and my leg was feeling considerably better. It was then that I saw Katniss' wound on her forehead, and I panicked. "Katniss!" I cried out. "What happened? You shouldn't have gone, you said you wouldn't go!" I accused.

She sat up and told me that she was fine. She explained that Clove had attacked her, but that it had been worth it because she had gotten my medicine. I then insisted that she use some of the medicine too, and although it took some convincing, she finally allowed me to dab some ointment on her forehead. She smiled at me as I looked into in her deep gray eyes, and I couldn't help thinking that I was the luckiest guy in the world, which was ironic considering the fact that I would probably die. But the next few days were a wonderful daze, for every morning she would wake up by my side.

* * *

Soon, it began to rain and thunder, and we both gave up on rest as we sat up by the cave's entrance.

"I wonder what we'd have to do to get Haymitch to send us some bread." I asked. She raised her eyebrows, but instead of answering my question, she changed the subject, and soon we started talking as I asked her questions about herself.

She made up a story about how she had gotten Prim's goat for her birthday, and I could tell that she was a bad liar when she made it sound as if she had gotten the goat out of a pure practicality instead out of love for her little sister. It was a cute story, though, and I figured at least some of it was true.

"I remember everything about you," I confessed. "It was you who wasn't paying attention."

"I am now," she said.

"Well, I don't have much competition here," I pointed out.

"You don't have much competition anywhere," she said softly as she leaned in to kiss me again. Our lips barely even touched when the clunk outside made us jump. Katniss picked up her bow and prepared to shoot, but we didn't hear anything else. I peeked out through the rock entrance and whooped as I saw a large parachute outside. I went out in the rain and picked up the silver parachute attached to a basket. Katniss ripped into it eagerly as we found a feast inside—fresh rolls, goat cheese, apples, and lamb stew on wild rice. The very dish she had told Caesar Flickerman was the most impressive thing the Capitol had to offer during her interview.

We grinned at each other as we instantly dug in and ate like there was no tomorrow, but Katniss insisted that we ration our meal. All the while, the almost-kiss kept replaying in my head. She had told me that I was the only one and I would have exploded with complete and utter happiness right then and there had I not seen the basket of food and remembered how hungry I was. They had finally sent us food. Things could not get any better. We would survive the hunger games. We would live, and I would come home a victor with Katniss by my side. She would finally be mine.

I wanted to know everything about her, but she was shy and secretive, and wouldn't tell me everything that I wanted to know. Katniss Everdeen was an endless mystery to me. "Then I'll just have to fill in the blanks myself," I finally decided as I moved in towards her.

This was the first kiss from her that felt truly genuine. Perhaps it was because neither of us was sick or unconscious, like that tender kiss I may or may not have imagined she gave me before I passed out after she gave me the sleep syrup. Maybe it was just me, because my leg wasn't throbbing, my skin wasn't feverish, and she wasn't trembling from the icy cold. I still wasn't well enough to get an erection yet (thankfully) but I felt a stirring in my stomach when she kissed me back eagerly, her hot tongue tempting me, her lips enchanting me. I could tell that she was enjoying the kiss almost as much as I was. She was pushing into me, begging me for more, and I held back a moan.

"Kiss me," she said as I let her go so that I could catch some air.

And I did. I kissed her face, her cheeks, her eyes, and her forehead. She was so precious to me. I wanted to savor every single moment, remember it forever and keep it in my heart for the rest of my life.

I wasn't sure if this was what she wanted, but it was what I wanted to give. She meant more to me than she could possibly imagine, and I wanted to let her know this through my actions as well as my words. Eventually, we fell asleep, and she leaned back in my chest to rest peacefully.

I woke up again in the middle of the night when I felt her thigh rub against my crotch.  _I'm not well enough yet I'm not well enough yet I'm not well enough yet_ , I kept repeating to myself as I thought about my leg. But then I became distracted as I heard another clank outside of the cave entrance, and I gently prodded myself away from Katniss as I went to retrieve the parachute from outside. I knew then that it must be for me, because Katniss was asleep, and perhaps it was more medicine for my leg.

But when I popped open the container, there was only one small white square package with the Capitol insignia on it, and the words "Extra Large" written on the sides. I frowned at it confused, until I found the note beside it:  _Use it wisely, it only works once. Don't worry, I got your size. The Capitol experts measured it when you masturbated in the forest. Atta boy –Haymitch_

I flushed, first with embarrassment, then with rage. "Haymitch... you better hope I don't get out of here, because if I do I'm going to skin you with your own knife..." I hissed at the nearest camera. It wasn't even fair. What made him think I was even well enough to do that, and even if I was, how could he possibly think that Katniss would let me? No, even if we both could and wanted to, we wouldn't do it in front of the cameras. I wouldn't use Katniss to get attention from the sponsors like Cato had done with Glimmer and Clove. Katniss meant more to me than that, she meant everything to me.

But that still left me wondering what the hell I would do with the condom in my hand. I heard Cato and Marvel talk about how they were resilient enough to last for years, and laughing as they wondered what kind of loser would save a condom for that long in the first place. I finally shrugged and decided that I was probably that loser. If that was the case, then so be it. I wasn't going to force Katniss into anything.  _Not that I could even if I wanted to,_  I reminded myself for the umpteenth time as I lay Katniss across my chest again and sighed. Well, this was nice, and it would have to do for now. I kissed her forehead gently and lay back, chuckling about the fact that she was sleeping like a rock. I vaguely wondered when was the last time she had slept this soundly, before sleep overtook me in the cave one last time.

* * *

The next day, Katniss and I went foraging for food together, and she kept complaining about how my loud my footsteps were. "We should probably hunt around here. We don't have any food left," she said.

"Okay, I'll take the bow," I joked as I pretended to reach out for it.

She gave me a murderous look before I chuckled and told her that I was kidding. "I'll go pick some stuff," I told her as I walked off, knowing that I was scaring away all the prey. She smiled when she thought I wasn't looking, that rare and beautiful smile of hers, and my heart leaped.

I sighed contentedly as I started picking some dark berries, shoving them in my pocket and then deciding that they would be crushed, so I lay a few of them out on my jacket beneath a tree as I went to collect more. It was then that I remembered the condom in my pocket, and I blushed. I could no longer deny the fact that I was hard, and all Katniss had done was smile at my stupid joke. Okay, so I wasn't so sick anymore. That girl was going to be the end of me; she was driving me crazy. I finally decided that I needed to relieve myself of the pressure; it wasn't like they hadn't seen me do it before, after all.

I was masturbating furiously as I thought about all of those nights that Katniss had laid across my chest and rubbed my crotch by accident with one of her legs while she was sleeping. One time, her hand had been mere inches from palming me. The thought sent me to the edge, and then suddenly a canon fired, and I instantly panicked as I zipped up my pants and collected the berries that I had been gathering, hoping that it hadn't been Katniss.

"Peeta! Peeta!" I heard her screaming as she ran towards me.

I didn't even have time to sigh in relief before she ran into me. "Are you okay?" I asked urgently.

"I heard the cannon," she sobbed as she rubbed her hand against my chest. "I thought…no. That's nightlock, Peeta!" she screeched. "You'd be dead in a minute!" she slapped the berries out of my hand.

"I didn't know," I mumbled, looking down at my purple hands guiltily like I did when the teacher yelled at me for painting on the wall when I was in kindergarten.

"You scared me to death. Damn you," she cursed as she held me against her, and I automatically wrapped my arms around her in response.

"I'm sorry," I gasped. "I'm sorry," I repeated as I sank my head into her shoulder, taking in the smell of pine that came from her hair.

How could I have been so stupid? I thought about this as we found Foxface dead, and realized that she was my kill. I was probably the first person to kill somebody by accident in the Hunger Games. Katniss took the berries from her hand, suggesting that we could use them for Cato, although I doubted he would fall for that trick.

Really, I was just grateful that she had taken the berries I had collected before I had masturbated.

I didn't tell her, this however, nor did I tell her when we almost ate them as we contemplated suicide together at the end of the games. The last thing I remembered before losing my leg was touching her soft braid. And after that, everything went downhill.


	7. The Betrayal

There were hundreds of words to describe the hollow feeling in my chest, but the easiest way to describe such a harrowing twist to my heart was by simply stating that I felt betrayed. All I could remember were Katniss' hesitant words as she said good-bye to me, her gray eyes vacant as she admitted that it was all for the games. Everything. I replayed that conversation in my head over and over again as I walked home alone from the train, one hand deep in my pocket while the other leaned on my cane as I recalled her lying lips against my fevered mouth. I held back the tears that were stinging in the corner of my eyes. I should have known. It had been too good to be true; of course she wasn't interested in me, why would she be? She had more important things in mind, such as coming home to her family and her beloved Gale. Not that I cared about stupid Gale. I knew that I had been Katniss' first kiss, I could tell by the hesitancy of her lips against mine that first time. Then again, that hesitancy might have been due to the fact that she had been simply playing to the cameras, that none of it was actually genuine. I kicked a pebble on the sidewalk. No, I refused to think that. Despite everything, I still had the compelling need to defend her and think that she had at least gifted me with her first kiss. Too bad I couldn't have been the last.

I knew it was more important to be the last, but once again I had lost.

I had trusted her. I had allowed myself to think that she actually cared about me, and not that she had simply been doing everything just to spite the Capitol. Perhaps I was the foolish one for being in love; everything was my fault, after all. The worst part of it was the fact that I couldn't even hate her for it; instead, all I felt was emptiness and self-loathing. For all I knew, I had brainwashed myself into thinking that I was in love when in fact I just had a stupid crush, and I could have spared my heart a lot of grief if I had just let go of it earlier.

These were the dark thoughts that were plaguing me when I walked into my house, and the first thing I received was a hard slap on the cheek from my loving mother. I didn't even flinch; I had been expecting it. "You shouldn't have come back!" she hissed. My face stung, but it was nothing compared to the feeling I had inside. Katniss' indifference was the worst wound I had ever received.

"Nora, is that the way you welcome our son home?" my father cried out, horrified, as he walked up from behind her.

"Of course it is, he came home with that Seam slut, and she practically did everything for him the whole time! You're useless even as a man, Peeta, or a sorry excuse for one, I should say," she spat as she looked down at me, seeing my leg and cane.

"Nora, I will not allow you to talk to our youngest son that way!" my father bellowed as he gathered me into his arms protectively like he used to do when I was little. I wrapped my arms him, letting go of my cane, and pretended that time hadn't passed.

My mother scoffed, "Oh, really? And what do you pretend to do about it, Bran?" she sneered.

I waited for him to come to my defense again, but he didn't. Of course he didn't. He was still powerless against her wrath. And I just didn't care anymore. She laughed and walked away, completely unperturbed.

I let go of my father then. He held me at arm's length and looked at me with concern, his blue eyes identical to mine, "Don't listen to her, Peeta. I'm still very proud of you," he reminded me. I nodded vaguely, not feeling like saying anything in reply. Nothing had changed, save for the fact that I was now rich and Katniss had broken me. You'd think my mother would be happier.

Just then, my older brothers appeared from behind the bakery swinging door, walking into the kitchen. "Hey little bro, I heard you got the girl!" Rye clapped me on the back as soon as he approached me.

"I don't want to talk about it," I mumbled.

"Well, but at least you came out alive, right?" Leven grinned as he enveloped me into a bear hug that was much like the one my father had given me earlier.

"Yeah, and since you're rich now, we can move into Victor's Village with you, right?" Rye asked enthusiastically.

I nodded, remembering Effie mentioning something along those lines. I had only been excited for Katniss during that time, though. I could care less where I lived at this point.

"That's right, and we're moving in tomorrow bright and early," my mother said gleefully as she walked back in. "So I'm going to need you boys to go to bed early. Especially you, Peeta, since you're even more useless now with that prosthetic leg of yours," she rolled her eyes.

"It's because of me that we're even moving in, you heartless bitch!" I finally spat out, my rage finally overwhelming me.

"He's right, Nora, you should be more grateful," my father added solemnly as he put his hand on my shoulder to calm me down.

My mother huffed and walked back out as if nothing had happened. My brothers turned to me, frowning. "Maybe you should get some rest, it's been a tough day for you, buddy," Leven suggested.

"Yeah, we'll catch up on things tomorrow," Rye said.

"Do you want something to eat, son?" Dad asked.

I shook my head. "No, that's fine, thanks Dad. Goodnight, guys," I said to them as I picked up my cane from where I had dropped it on the floor and headed upstairs. By the time my head hit the pillow, I was fast asleep, knowing that it would be my last night of tearless slumber.

* * *

Aunt Cruella walked in through the bakery the next morning before any of us had any chance to pack. "I brought the moving vans!" she called out as she sauntered in with two suspicious-looking men behind her. One was short and stout and the other was tall and thin with a hooked nose. They looked more like criminals than moving guys, really.

"Oh, dear sister, you shouldn't have! And you even brought your men, I see. My boys here can do all the work, though," my mother told her.

"It's nothing, Nora, anything for you!" Aunt Cruella chirped as she looked around. "And besides, you can use all the help you can get…where's your boy?" she asked as her eyes finally landed on mine. The grin she gave me was more predatory than anything else. "Oh, there you are Peeta," she cooed as she pinched my cheeks with her bony fingers as if I were a five-year-old. "I can't believe you won the Hunger Games, you are such a cute little  _puppy,_ " she pouted. I gulped. Her luxurious white coat was made of animal fur. I knew exactly what she did with puppies; it was her trade, after all.

My mother instantly caught the joke and burst out laughing as Aunt Cruella cackled right along with her. "Oh, and you know what's worse is that that Seam slut had to nurse him through the whole thing!" My mother added when she caught her breath, only to keep on laughing when Aunt Cruella made a crude joke about Katniss being my bitch.

I scowled and moved away from them, deciding to go help my brothers pack instead. My mother and Aunt Cruella were making plans to go to their bridge club that evening, and I was grateful that I would at least get some free time away from her. Their bridge club friends were just as evil, if not more, than my mother and her older sister, which really said a lot about them. I shuddered.

Sighing, I headed to the back upstairs where my brothers were packing their belongings into boxes. The bakery would be left untouched, and we were leaving some of our stuff here in case we needed to sleep over and didn't want to wake extra early to walk all the way from Victor's Village. I didn't have many belongings; my mother had apparently thrown most of them out when I had been reaped, and I didn't have to work at the bakery anymore anyways. I would keep baking, though; I needed something to keep me distracted. I now had money to buy all the canvases and paints I wanted, though, so I would dedicate more time to painting from now on.

"Peeta, help me carry my trophies downstairs, will you?" Rye asked as he finished arranging his wrestling awards into a large box.

"Yeah, sure," I said as I grabbed the other end while he walked backwards. My leg gave me some trouble on the way down, but I finally made it. Aunt Cruella's goons were already helping my dad pile things into the moving vans; apparently their names were Horace and Jasper. We didn't have to take any furniture with us, since the new house was already fully furnished. We spent the rest of the day packing and taking trips to Victor's Village to unload the boxes, the hot, sticky day causing us to be drenched in sweat by the end of it.

"Well, I think that's the last of it," Leven sighed as he wiped his brow tiredly.

"Don't just stand around, you bums, you still have to unpack!" Mother screeched at us as she headed out the door with Aunt Cruella by her side; they had spent the whole day yelling orders at us, and now they were finally leaving to go to their bridge club.

"Nora, the boys are tired, we'll do that tomorrow. They can just unpack the things they'll need for tonight, and then they can get some rest." Dad suggested.

Mother rolled her eyes and muttered incoherently under her breath, but she finally agreed, telling us that we better be asleep by the time she came back, as if we were five or something. Aunt Cruella's thugs had finally left with their vans, and her and Mother soon walked away, fully dressed up in fur coats even though it was nearly eighty degrees outside.

"They look ridiculous," Rye snorted once they were out of earshot.

"Yeah, but they'll kill us if they hear us tell them that," Leven warned him.

Dad clapped us on the back, "Good job today, boys. We'll finish everything up tomorrow and then we'll go back to working at the bakery. I'll have everyone swap morning shifts so you know where to sleep the night before. There are at least three showers in the house, so you can all go ahead and do that while I fix you a quick dinner," he smiled at us.

"Thanks, Dad," we all chanted as we rushed inside the house to find the nearest bathroom. We had to unpack the soap and towels first, but we soon found them and stumbled over ourselves, fighting over who would get the bathroom in our parents' bedroom, which happened to have a Jacuzzi in it.

"I'm the oldest, so I get it," Leven reasoned.

"But it's my house and I'm the cripple, so I should get it," I argued.

"Don't use that card on us; we're not going to baby you," Rye scoffed.

"Yeah, you probably got fancy showers like these all the time at the Capitol," Leven added.

"Actually, they were even better," I bragged.

"All the more reason," Rye pointed out.

"That still doesn't mean you get it, Rye," Leven reminded him. Rye scowled at him, but didn't say anything in response.

"Fine, whatever, I'll use the other bathroom, but I'm taking all my rose-scented body wash with me," I said as I flung my towel over my shoulder while I walked out, my brothers snickering behind me.

* * *

The days passed agonizingly slowly. I painted and baked as much as I could, and I even took walks across the town to exercise my leg, but I hardly ever ran into Katniss. She was avoiding me, and we both knew it. Even Haymitch told me so whenever I took a fresh loaf of bread to his house every morning, since we were neighbors now. Of course, Katniss was too, but I was more likely to see Prim smiling at me sympathetically while I caught a glimpse of Katniss' braid turning a corner. I painted nothing but nightmares and braids and olive skin and gray eyes. I once attempted to capture the sunset, but it only turned into another nightmare, another part of the arena. I had painted the games. Sometimes I wondered if painting Katniss would really get her out of my head, or if she was just all of my nightmares and dreams incorporated into one. I sketched her as well. I threw the drawings across the room. I cried myself to sleep and used my tears as lube while I masturbated. I wish I was kidding on that last one. I ate pastries until I was sick. One night, my mother's insults took a heavier toll than usual when she finally noticed that I hadn't been with Katniss, and she laughed at the fact that she had practically dumped me. I ran to Haymitch's house and demanded a drink.

"So you finally gave in, boy?" he rasped as he swung his bottle of liquor around.

I slapped the bottle out of his grasp and took a huge gulp out of it as it burned my throat. I brought it down as I nearly choked, Haymitch slapping my back while I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "Easy there, lad, we've got all night for this, and plenty of booze. No need to rush. What changed your mind?"

"I can't stand this pain anymore," I sobbed as the alcohol continued to burn.

"And you want to numb it, right?" He cackled humorlessly. "About time…"

"I knew I would lose all along, you know? But I didn't know that all of it would be in vain…I was prepared to die for her, and now I have no reason to live," I gasped as I slumped into the chair in front of him, tearing at my hair.

"Now, now, boy…" he began.

"I lost her, Haymitch. I loved her too much. Everything she did… it was all for the games," the words were flowing out of my mouth now, and I couldn't stop them.

"Well then live for you, not for her!" he reasoned.

"I told her how I felt about her," I went on, not even listening to what he was saying. "She knew, and she still didn't care. I gave her everything. I should have known. I should have seen the signs. She's everything to me; she's always been everything to me. But now…she's gone…she won't even talk to me, damn it she can run off; I don't give a fuck!" I shoved the table aside angrily. "That's all she's damn good at, right? Running away, avoiding me?"

"Calm down!" Haymitch grouched. "She cares about you; I saw it in the games. That kiss was genuine, I could tell," he said sincerely.

I scoffed, "Yeah, she cares for me, but I love her, and it's killing me," I buried my face in my hands, defeated. "I've never felt so lonely before," I half-whimpered, half-cried.

"Here, take another swig," he suggested as he gave me back the bottle, which he had taken after I had flung the table across the room.

I did, and I was prepared for the burning in my throat this time, but I still coughed a few times. I'd never gotten drunk before, I usually looked down on it. But today I could care less. "I'd still do anything for her," I rambled on a few hours later, when Haymitch had practically fallen asleep on me and I had puked all over the floor as I sat slumped against the wall. I had cried myself dry, talked until my voice was hoarse. I had nothing left to give, or so I thought.

"You need to get your shit together, boy. You're the strongest out of all of us," Haymitch finally replied.

"I highly doubt that. My mother says I'm weak and useless, and she's right. All I do is dream about Katniss, holding her, loving her…I'm dying to know her, Haymitch, tear up all up of the walls in between us, see her face every morning when I wake up, kiss her until our lips bruise…" I wasn't sure what I was saying anymore, and all of my words were coming out slurred.

"You're making me gag," he scowled, disgusted.

"We'll protect each other. How I would love it if I could know her thoughts. See love for me in her eyes; hear her voice sing to me. Make her happy each and every day… _that's_ what I want to live for, I want to drown all of the suffering and just be happy with her for once," I told him drunkenly. And here I thought I had nothing left to say.

"I thought you had worn yourself out," he muttered to himself. "I'll tell you what, boy. Stay alive. Find another reason to live if you can, but I can assure you that she'll come back to you. Don't ask me how I know; I just do. Keep fighting," he brought the bottle to his lips. "Do what I was too much of a coward to do. Don't be me," he said the last part so softly I thought I had imagined it. And then I passed out.

* * *

I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache.  _I will never drink again,_ I thought to myself as I struggled to get up from the grimy floor. I winced. My leg wasn't making things any easier; the nub that was attached to my prosthetic was burning, and I could hardly walk. I stumbled outside, ignoring Haymitch's slumped figure on a chair, promising myself that I would come back and help him out later, since there was nothing much I could do for him now. I tried to recall what Haymitch and I had said to each other last night, but all I could think of was the dream—memory? I had last night. I had had a hazy dream about the way Katniss and I had reunited after the games, how she had jumped into my arms and kissed me fiercely before she even knew that I had lost my leg. And I remembered the way she had cried when she found out that I had, and how I had held her tightly in response. Surely some of that, at least, had been genuine concern on her part. I refused to believe that Katniss was as cold and stoic as she pretended to be lately. Either way, it didn't matter, because I knew that the next time I saw her, I would act like nothing had happened, since I had gotten a lot of pain out of my system last night. And when I had the chance, I would kiss her in front of the cameras as if we had been together the whole time, as if she had never left me. As if she actually loved me back.

My house was empty when I walked in. Everyone else was already working at the bakery, which was just as well, since I didn't need my mother yelling at me about not coming home early, not after what she had said to me before I had left. I sighed, knowing that I would spend the rest of the day nursing my horrible hangover. I took a shower, popped some pills in my mouth, and ate few of last night's leftovers before I went back to Haymitch's house. To my astounding surprise, he had already cleaned everything up (and by everything I mean my vomit), when I went to leave him some food on his table. I looked around the house for him until I found him passed out on the couch. I finally decided to leave him alone and headed back outside, only to find my friend Delly knocking anxiously on my front door.

"Delly? I'm over here!" I called out as she turned to me. Her face instantly lit up, and she grinned widely as she ran into my arms. I braced myself as I caught her, hugging her back. "I've missed you, Dells," I mumbled affectionately against her shoulder.

She let go of me then, and took my face between her hands, "Look at you. Nert and Blathe told me that you've been avoiding them since you came back from the games, and I've been so busy lately that I haven't been able to come and find you. How are you?" she asked gently.

I sighed. "I'm so tired, Dells," I admitted. "I haven't really been myself lately, and I didn't want everyone to see me like this. I've been trying to act normal in public, and I think it's sort of worked so far, but it's so hard. I just don't think Nert and Blathe would understand, and I didn't want to bother you," I bit my lip as I stared down at the ground.

"Oh, Peeta," Delly gasped as she hugged me again, even tighter this time. "I'm so, so sorry. I know what happened with Katniss. I've gotten glimpses of you moping around town, and every time I see Katniss, she's either alone or with Gale," she gulped as she looked at me again.

I nodded. "Yeah, it was all for the games. How she acted," I said hollowly.

She frowned. "After all you did for her, you deserve better than that," she said angrily.

I shrugged. "I guess, but it doesn't matter, as long as she's okay," I muttered.

Delly's eyes flashed. "No, it's not okay, Peeta! She can't just walk away from you like that; you're still going to see her during the Victory Tour, and then what? She can't avoid you forever. The least she should do is apologize for lying to you," she shouted, catching us both by surprise. Delly hardly ever became mad, or shouted for that matter. But when she did, it was because she was being overprotective.

"Look, can we talk inside instead of out here? I want to hear about you too. We'll have some tea," I said as I led her back towards the house. She finally assented and allowed me to take her back to my kitchen so that we could catch up.

"Sugar?" I asked her as I served her some tea. She nodded as I took out the sugar cubes. I never took sugar in my tea, since I found something soothing about the bitter taste. I asked her about her father's shoe shop, and she told me that she had been busy working there all summer. I laughed at her stories about Nert and Blathe, and about how Nert had kissed Blathe one night just to piss him off. My friends were still being their crazy selves, and here I was completely changed, changed and heartbroken, instead of having died as myself, as I had originally planned. We didn't talk about the games, but she did bring up Katniss again.

"Remember how you used to talk about Katniss being your wife one day?" she grinned.

I blushed, "I was five, Delly. I didn't know any better."

"Well, you were one stubborn five-year-old. No one could tell you different; you were convinced for the longest time that she would be yours one day," she said softly.

"Why are you bringing this up?" I winced.

She hesitated. "Look…I know she might be confused about her feelings right now, but I think that could change, especially during the Victory Tour," she took my hand and circled her thumb along the back of it as she stared at me intently, "She's falling in love with you, Peeta, I saw it, all of Panem saw it. She's never acted that way with Gale. She treats him the same way I treat my cousin, for crying out loud, if someone told me that they were related, I would buy it."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No, I'm telling you this because I care about you as a friend and I love you as a brother, and you know that. Just because I'm biased doesn't mean I'm stupid, though. I know you're in love, and if I didn't see the same thing in her, I would tell you to move on," she stated firmly. "I think Gale's holding on to her in vain. You grew on her, you always grow on people, and she probably feels like loving you would be a weakness to admit."

"Just let me cry, Delly," I moaned as I lay my head over the table hopelessly. "She'll never see me. I know how to lose. I won't hold any grudges."

"No. You listen to me, Peeta Mellark! You can't just give up, not after all this time. You can cry all you want now, but don't show her that. Act strong around her, because, believe it or not, sooner or later she'll realize you're her rock. You're stronger than you think," she whispered.

I laughed humorlessly. "Katniss is the strongest person I've ever met."

"She's strong in a different way," Delly insisted. "I still think she needs you. She may not see it now, but she will one day," she insisted.

"If you say so…" I trailed off, unconvinced.

"I do say so. And you have to promise me that you will never fall apart like this again. Not because you think she doesn't love you. You need each other, Peeta," she repeated.

I nodded. "Okay, I'll try harder from now on. If she already feels something for me, as you say, then it must mean I can get through to her."

Delly smiled. "Good, that's what I wanted to hear. Now go forth and seduce her," she joked as she stood up. "I have to go back to work now, but you'll be okay, right?" she asked me as I she went up to hug me good-bye.

"Yeah…thanks for everything, Delly. I'm really glad you came."

"No problem, Peets," she ruffled my hair playfully, knowing that I hated that nickname.

"Bye, Dells," I rolled my eyes as I walked her out the door. But at least my smile matched hers.

* * *

I saw Katniss again when I brought Haymitch bread one winter morning. I always went to her house to take cookies to Prim, but even then I didn't see her, and yet here she was now. She scowled at Haymitch after having dumped cold water on his head to wake him up.

"You should've asked Peeta," I had overheard her say when I walked in.

"Ask me what?" I spoke up as I approached with the bag of bread in my hand.

She didn't answer, but she acted awkward around me. It was obvious that she still didn't know how she felt about me, or didn't want to admit it, or something. I studied her carefully, trying to decipher her thoughts and take in her image so that I could extract it into my dreams, and therefore my paintings, later.

The cameras came after a few days. It was snowing, and we were all dressed up for our reunion. She flung herself into my arms as we ran outside, her lip-gloss smearing all over our mouths as our lips reconnected, and I kissed her back passionately, fervently, savoring this kiss as if it were our last, because I had missed her so much. I wasn't lying to myself, though; I knew that she was just pretending. But even as I let her go, the look in her eyes said something more and I held on to it tightly, knowing that this wasn't over yet. Not even close.


	8. The Victory Tour

"I hope you realize that we are doing you a favor by living here with you," my mother told me during breakfast after complaining about how difficult it was for everybody to make the long trek to the bakery  _every damn day_ and how this whole thing was  _a huge sacrifice_  they were making for me.

"If you really hate living here so much then feel free to leave at any time,  _mother_ ," I growled.

She huffed. "Well you know what, maybe I  _will_  leave. After all, now that you're leaving to the Victory Tour, there's no point in us staying, now is there?" she said coldly.

"No, there's not. But don't bring anyone else into this. If you don't want to live here anymore then you don't have to, but don't kick everyone else out." I glared at her.

"Son, I hope you realize that I would have to leave with your mother," my father said kindly. I frowned, but didn't say anything. I knew that this was more about the bakery than my mother and that I was just being childish, but damn it, my parents didn't even sleep in the same bedroom most of the time, and as much as I hated my mother, I really didn't want to live in here alone.

"Yeah, and I think it's best if we all go back to living at the bakery," Leven mumbled. "I'm moving out with Flora as soon as we get married anyway," he told me. Leven had gotten engaged a few months ago, and my mother was beyond pleased, as Leven was her favorite son. I knew that he would move out eventually, but not this soon.

"What about you?" I asked Rye, even though I already knew the answer to this one.

He coughed lightly and avoided my gaze before replying, "I think Mom's right, Peeta. It would just be easier for all of us," he said apologetically.

I nodded as I set down my fork and wiped my mouth with the napkin on my lap before standing up from the breakfast table. "That's fine, then. I need to get going and catch the train. I guess I won't be expecting any of you here when I came back," I looked around as everyone avoided my gaze, my mother rolling her eyes at me impatiently.

"Yeah, yeah, leave already, or you'll miss your train," my mother waved me off impatiently.

"Have a good trip, son," my father said gently as he stood up to hug me while I retrieved my coat from the coat closet by the front door.

"Thanks, Dad," I said weakly as he patted me on the back. I waved goodbye to my brothers and stepped out of the house, heading straight towards the train station.

….

"We have a big, big, big day ahead of us," Effie chattered on enthusiastically as our train made its way towards District Eleven. Haymitch groaned as he worked on the same muffin he had been nibbling on for the past ten minutes, and Katniss simply avoided looking at me. It seemed like a recurring pattern today.

Suddenly, the train lurched to an unexpected halt as Effie made her way towards the front of the train, coming back soon to announce that the train was having technical difficulties and that this would ruin our tight schedule. She went on complaining while the rest of us ignored her, until Katniss finally lost her patience with her, "Nobody cares, Effie!" Katniss screeched, getting up from the table to run outside, where the ground was full of snow.

Effie's face fell for a second before she recomposed herself instantly to complain about Katniss' bad manners. "I'll go have a word with her," I offered as I stood up to go after Katniss.

"Yes, you do that, thank you, Peeta." Effie smiled at me sadly. She knew that Katniss and I were in bad terms as well. Haymitch simply huffed something under his breath while he continued to pick at his muffin.

I ran outside into the cold, making my way through the snow until I found Katniss sitting by a tree. I headed up to her with my hands buried in my pockets. "Hey," I began.

"Hey," she said, looking up at me with those unfathomable gray eyes of hers.

I gulped. "I'm really sorry about all of the tension between us. I've been acting wounded all of this time because I was jealous of Gale before I even officially met you. I realize now that I was wrong to do that and that the kisses in the cave were something you had to do to save us. I'll stop acting so wounded now, but I would really like it for us to at least be friends," I finished. There, had that been so bad? At least I hadn't confessed my undying love for her this time. Unfortunately, this time it wasn't just a lustful crush. My affection for her had only grown; her absence had made my masochist heart fonder.

"I'm sorry too," she said softly.

"Don't be, I can't blame you for that." I insisted.

She nodded, "All right," she agreed as I sat down beside her, where she was looking up the sky.

"Okay, so let's start with simple questions. Don't you think it's funny that I know that you would risk your life for me and that I would do the same for you, but I don't even know what your favorite color is?" I asked her.

She smiled. "Green," she replied. Of course, I should have known. She loved the woods; it was only natural that this be her favorite color.

"Mine is orange," I offered.

She wrinkled her nose, "Orange? Like Effie's wig?" she asked.

I chuckled. "No, more muted… like the sunset," I explained dreamily as I conjured up a sunset in my head. It was my favorite time of day.

"That's lovely," she agreed. Then, "So I've heard a lot about your paintings, but I've never seen them."

I stood up and dusted my pants from the snow as I offered her my hand, "Come on, I'll show them to you," I suggested. Every victor was supposed to have a talent now that we were no longer forced to work, and I had obviously chosen painting as mine. I was slightly disappointed when I heard that Katniss wouldn't use singing as hers, but I supposed it was understandable.

She grinned as she stood up to take my hand, "I guess I'll also use this opportunity to apologize to Effie," she said.

"Don't be afraid to lay it on thick," I added.

"I won't," she assured me.

We then went inside, and I tried my best not to laugh at Katniss as she did her best to apologize to Effie, going more out of her way than was usual for her. I had no doubt in my mind that she felt like she had overdone it, but of course to Effie it probably seemed like the bare minimum. She accepted the apology graciously, and then Katniss and I moved on to the room where I kept the paintings I had done of the arena.

"You painted all of these?" she gasped in awe, her eyes wide.

"Yes, what do you think?" I asked her, never having showed her my art before.

"I hate them," she frowned as she took them in, perhaps horrified by the goriness and terror of the games, and crept out by all of the images of her. "All I do is walk around trying to forget the arena. How do you remember it all?" she asked.

"I see them every night, in my nightmares," I explained. "This is the only way I can get them out. I keep telling myself that I'm not so afraid to sleep at night. So do you really hate them?" I asked, trying not to sound too devastated. Of course she hated them; what had I been thinking?

"Yes. But they're extraordinary. Really," she allowed.

I nodded. I supposed this sort of reaction was to be expected from her. At least she hadn't asked why I had pictured her so many times; that would have been too much. She didn't need to know about my pent-up sexual frustrations. I led her out of the room and closed the door behind me.

…

My rage started in District Eleven. They never told me  _anything_. But of course they kept things from me, why should stupid, gullible Peeta be informed of the current events? I had broken several glass artifacts when I had shouted this at Haymitch and Katniss. My well-intended actions to help Rue and Thresh's families had only caused more harm. They assured me that they would let me know things from now on, but I knew better than to believe them. They probably had secret dealings behind my back, and I hated this, hated not knowing if my next move would be a major fuck-up or not.

But it didn't matter. None of that mattered, because I couldn't stay mad at Katniss, not really. Not when she let me in her bed every night as the train rode over the tracks. We went around every district trying to convince everyone as best as we could that we were madly in love. Needless to say, this was more difficult for her than for me. I would wrap my arms around her warm, lithe body as I caressed her braid while she rested her head on my bare chest. Something stirred within me when I realized that she needed me, that she could only sleep soundly and without any nightmares when she was sleeping in my arms. I was protecting her, I was making her feel safe.

There was, of course, the matter of my arousal when she would throw one of her legs over my waist. Having her heated core beneath me was too much for me to handle. I would rub my hand over her thin back, knowing that she wasn't wearing a bra and that there was only the delicate soft material of her nightgown between my naked skin and her barely-covered breasts. While she slept and snored softly over my yearning body, I would snake a hand down beneath my shorts and rub myself until I found relief. I would do it quietly and carefully, making sure that she wouldn't wake up. If Katniss ever found me like this, I would die of mortification.

Or so I thought.

No matter how much I touched myself each night, I would always wake up hard, my erection stretching painfully beneath my shorts as it grazed her soft bottom, because by then she had her back to me and I had my arm tossed over her waist. Mornings were the worst, because I hated getting up from her side to nurse the ache in my groin; most of the time it even required a cold shower. But one day, it was different.

It was during the wee hours of the morning, when her back was pressed against me and my head was buried in her neck. I hadn't expected her small hand to wrap around me so firmly. I gasped and moaned in surprise, my body stiffening in response. Was this really happening? Her hand had reached around behind her, but her eyes remained closed, her breath remained steady. Mine, however, had turned erratic. Suddenly, she let go of me, and just when I had thought that the worst was over, she began to grind against me, making my hips jerk forward involuntarily. I wanted to be inside her so badly.

"Katniss, please…" I begged. "Don't tease me like this," I gasped.

But she didn't respond. She continued to rub her ass against my aching cock, and I wondered if I would come. I figured two could play this game. My hand trailed slowly up from her navel to her chest, enveloping my hand around one of her small breasts. She moaned. I smiled. My thumb traced circles over her hardened nipple; I could feel it beneath her thin nightgown. She exhaled softly, and her hips stopped moving against me. I couldn't wait any longer. I flipped her onto her back and hovered above her. Her eyes finally blinked open, her gray eyes widened in shock, the pupils darkened with arousal.

Her hips jerked up, making contact with my groin, and we both gasped. I clasped her hands over her head, "So now that you've got me, what are you going to do with me?" I whispered in her ear.

She shuddered, "I came to finish you off, sweetheart," she replied. I could clearly see the mischief and challenge in her gray eyes, even in the moonlight, which made them glint mysteriously.

I grinned. "That's what I thought," I murmured as I reached down between her legs and noticed how warm and wet she was for me.

"Peeta," she mewled as I rubbed over her panties, pushing her nightgown up with my wrist.

I nibbled on her earlobe, my tongue stroking the place beneath her ear as my mouth trailed down to her neck, leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses down her pulse point. She writhed beneath me as her back arched up towards me, her nails digging into the sides of my hips.

My hand cupped her center, where it remained between her legs, one of my fingers moving the cloth of her panties aside to allow me better access to the moisture that was gathering there. I discovered that she was completely bare. My finger slipped into her malleable folds, and I thrust it in and out slowly as she bit my shoulder in anticipation. I didn't make her wait long. I circled her clit with my thumb, using my fingers to collect the wetness from beneath and rubbing it on top as I pinched and rotated her nub with my forefinger and thumb. Before I knew it, she was thrusting her hips against my wrist and shuddering beneath me, the sticky substance drenching my hand as she came, gasping and moaning my name over and over again. My eyes lightened up as I saw the effect that I had on her; I had been waiting for this moment for so long. I kissed her rosy lips slowly and languidly, my tongue exploring the roof of her mouth and the back of her throat before I pulled away, biting her bottom lip gently.

"What about you?" she asked, palming my hard length again.

"Not yet," I told her. I wanted to take my sweet time with this. I tugged at her nightgown, bunching it up above her breasts. I bit my lip as I took her in, wishing that it wasn't so dark, but the moonlight was enough for me to admire her perky dark buds, my thumbs rolling over them in relish. I finally took one in my mouth, tentatively stroking it with my tongue as she cried out and fisted her hands in my hair. I opened my mouth wider, taking as much as I could in my mouth, kissing and suckling on it eagerly. Her other mound was being attended by my fingers, kneading and pinching it gently. Her chest heaved as she panted beneath me, and the sounds coming out of her mouth were heavenly. I wanted to make her sing in every way that I could, make her reach notes that she had never attempted before. My mouth switched breasts while my hand continued to palm the other one. I felt like an eager child with a new toy; I could spend all night between Katniss' breasts. I twirled my tongue over her peak, then tugged it gently between my teeth, and she cried out in every louder.

"Peeta…please," now she was the one who was begging me. I loved it.

I descended my mouth down to her navel, my hands worshiping her body as they explored as much of her as I could. My hands pulled her thighs apart and stroked them, my lips kissing the inside of her legs until they came dangerously close to her crotch. I gave her a devilish grin, "May I?" I asked as I hooked my thumbs on the sides of her panties tentatively. She simply nodded. I pulled them down her legs. My cock twitched. She trembled. "Peeta…" she began.

"Shh, it's okay," I reassured her as I kissed her lips gently.

Then my head was in between her legs again. I looked at her once more. "Is this okay?" I murmured.

She sighed, and then nodded as she laid her head back on the pillow. I exhaled slowly, making her shiver as I plied open her folds in the way one would look inside the petals of a flower or peel open a forbidden fruit. It didn't take me long to run my tongue over her, lapping up her sweet juices. As strange as it was, I remembered everything that my brothers had taught me over the years. I remembered the so-called Mellark men Legacy, and as silly as it was, I was anxious to live up to it. But I had never really done this before, and she tasted and felt so good. I moaned, the vibrations making her shudder. "Peeta, Peeta, Peeta…" she breathed anxiously, her gasps coming out short and rapid. She pulled me forward, "Here," she sighed, reaching one of her fingers to rub at her clit. I moaned as I trapped it between my lips and tugged it, encircling it with my mouth and stroking lazy patterns with my tongue.

She was grinding against my face now and the sounds and words she was uttering were completely incoherent, but I thrived at her pleasure. This was my one moment of glory, in which I could suck and nibble and slurp at her as if she were my last meal. Part of me wondered if I was even doing it right, but the other part didn't even care, it didn't matter as long as she felt good. She tasted earthy yet sweet, like the forest and the exotic fruits that could be found in it if one simply looked hard enough. Soon, she was falling apart beneath me, her cervical fluids drenching down my jaw as I lapped up as much of it as I could. I was in the desert and she was my oasis. I was pushing her thighs down so hard that I didn't even register it until I released her. She pulled me up again, this time to her lips as she kissed me hungrily, and I trembled in desire, knowing that she could taste herself inside of my mouth. She snuck her hand down beneath my shorts, and I gasped. "Katniss!" I cried out.

She smiled furtively before wrapping her small hand around my thick cock. "Teach me," she requested. I knew that look. She was  _determined._

I almost came right then and there, but I told myself I had to wait a little longer. I pulled her hand away gently so that I could pull off my shorts, lying down on my back so that she could see me as I stroked myself before taking her hand in mine. "Like this," I whispered patiently, running her curious hand up and down my length, lingering on the head and spreading the pre-cum around the rest of it.

Her hand felt so warm and inviting that even the calluses on her palm felt wonderful against my heated skin. I rolled her thumb over the sensitive ridge of the head as she looked at me intently. My hand dropped uselessly to my side as I let her take over. I didn't even care how she did it anymore; I just wanted her to touch me, I wanted to watch Katniss Everdeen touching me in the dark as I watched her breasts sway with the effort. I tried to keep my eyes open as long as I could, but my senses were overwhelmed and my head was dizzy from my shallow, uneven breaths. There was no rhythm, just her ceaseless stroking and our unsteady breaths and the occasional crescendo and decrescendo of a promising climax.

I had made her sing, but she was making my eyes roll to the back of my head and my voice was caught up in my throat and  _holy fuck was she grabbing my balls?_ My eyes flew open as I cried out, "Katniss that's it oh god that feels so good don't stop, oh fuck, fuck, fuck…" I lost track of all the expletives I came up with, I had no clue what I was saying, but she kept stroking up and down and my hips jerked and everything exploded as I felt the familiar tug from below.

"Gah!" Katniss screeched as I came all over her hand, my seed spilling down unto my stomach as I heaved, sweat pouring down my forehead.

"That was fantastic," I exclaimed as I grabbed a tissue from the night stand, the train bumping beneath us as I wiped us clean.

She frowned, and then smiled tentatively, "You think so?" she asked shyly.

I nodded, "Yeah, we should do that again sometime," I suggested hopefully as I tossed the tissues aside, taking her in my arms and holding her tightly as I pulled the covers over us. I kissed her forehead. "Sleep now," I said softly as I stroked her hair. She nodded and settled back down on the crook of my neck as if nothing had happened, her nightgown still acting as a shield between her skin and mine. I closed my eyes. I couldn't wait to have her hips swiveling over me; burying me deep inside her…it would happen one day, of this I was sure. I would have Katniss Everdeen, I would take her as my own.

The next day, Effie woke us up early. She looked at us suspiciously as I struggled to get dressed so that Katniss' prep team could attend to her. We had arrived at the Capitol.

__


	9. The Engagement

As much we tried to convince the districts, as many times as we kissed to convince President Snow, it still wasn't enough. We knew what we had to do.  _I_ knew what I had to do. But it had been her idea.

" _He wanted it to be real,"_ I heard Haymitch tell Katniss as I locked myself up on in my room.

We had recently arrived at the Capitol, and its citizens were ecstatic to see us, but we still had to deliver. I had to propose to Katniss, and we still had to attend the ball together, the ball that was in our honor. I thought about the nights that Katniss and I had in the train. I considered repeating that for the rest of my life, and for a few blissful seconds, I told myself that it wasn't too bad.

But who was I kidding? Did Katniss really love me, truly? Or had she simply used me to get rid of her nightmares, to forget and lose herself in our ecstasy? I sighed as I sat down on the edge of my bed. I could still remember the first time that I thought about proposing to Katniss.

" _Daddy, daddy, look what I got!" I cried as I came from home from school, waving a piece of paper in front of my dad as he decorated a cake._

" _What is it Peet?" he asked, smiling as he paused his task for a second to lean down towards me._

" _It's a cake! I drew my wedding cake for when I marry Katniss, see? That's me and her on top. You're making our cake, right Daddy?" I asked as I showed him the drawing._

_His blue eyes widened and then softened as he studied the picture. "Why of course, Peet; I wouldn't miss that wedding for the world, and I would love to decorate the cake. But don't you think you need to propose to her first? Or talk to her?" he chuckled as he ruffled my hair._

_I looked down at my shoes and shuffled my feet nervously as I bit my lip thoughtfully. "But Daddy, how do I do that?" I asked timidly._

_He grinned. "Well, you tell her how you feel about her. You be nice to her and compliment her every single day and then you become friends. You smile at her no matter what, and soon she'll smile back. And finally, when the time comes, you propose to her by pouring your heart out and telling her how much you love her," he said softly as he looked into my eyes._

" _Do you think she'll say yes?" I asked, unconvinced._

" _Well, I certainly hope so. I don't see why she wouldn't, after all. You're the sweetest and handsomest boy in all of Panem," he said._

" _Daddy!" I cried, embarrassed._

_He chuckled. "I'm sure you'll marry her someday, son. I would even bet my best cookies on that. In the meantime, why don't you take this drawing and hide it in your room so Mommy doesn't see it? You know she would be jealous if she found out," he winked teasingly, but even at the tender age of six, I knew better. My mother would beat me if she ever found out, and not because she was jealous of my affections. No, my mother would hate Katniss because she was from the Seam and because my father had been in love with her mother, who had married a coal miner. Sometimes I wondered if Katniss would do the same to me._

I gulped as tears stung at my eyes. I had always feared that this wouldn't go well, but I had never imagined that it would happen like this. It was as if fate was cackling in my face, telling me that if I wanted to make Katniss my wife, I would have to go to hell and back with her and then have a mock wedding because she couldn't really love me. I wanted to marry Katniss ever since I was five. Twelve years later, I was being asked to propose to her to convince President Snow. What a sick joke life had played on me.

Somehow the bitterness churned in my stomach and then threatened to come back up my throat as I ran towards the toilet. I opened the lid just in time for my breakfast to make its reappearance. Technically, all of my dreams were coming true, just not in the way I thought they would. My father's advice had worked to a certain extent.

_**You tell her how you feel about her.** _

_Well uh, there is one girl that I've had a crush on forever._   _I heard you sing the valley song when we were five. I knew I was a goner. I watched you walk home every day._

_**You be nice to her and compliment her every single day and then you become friends.** _

_When you sang, all the birds stopped to listen. She shoots the squirrels right in the eye every single time. You did really great out there._

_**You smile at her no matter what, and soon she'll smile back.** _

_Come to finish me off, sweetheart? Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me any time you feel like it. I'll take the bow. What's your favorite color?_

_**And finally, when the time comes, you propose to her by pouring your heart out and telling her how much you love her** _ _._

And I did. I knelt down and the words stumbled right out of my mouth during our interview with Caesar Flickerman. He was wearing a midnight blue suit and his mouth gaped open in shock as I asked Katniss to spend the rest of her life with me, begging her to marry me. She said yes, of course, but the only ones who were truly happy about this were the audience, and Caesar, who was beside himself. I poured my heart out, just like my father had told me. And when she smiled at me, my heart shattered into a million pieces.

* * *

The party held place in President Snow's mansion, and it was as incomparably luxurious as we expected it to be. We kissed and danced and pretended to sneak away so that they cameras wouldn't catch us. I was sure that the only one who was really putting up an act was Katniss; every kiss she gave me was something I could never take for granted. Musicians performed in what looked like clouds above the star-filled ceiling that resembled the night sky. Exquisite food filled the tables as Katniss and I made our way towards them.

"I want to taste everything in the room," Katniss said eagerly as we approached the banquet table. I frowned at her for a moment, wondering why she seemed so excited all of a sudden. I briefly wondered if we had succeeded in convincing Snow, or if she was more enthusiastic about our arranged engagement than she had originally led on. I shrugged it off, though, not wanting to get my hopes up again or reveal my puzzlement in front of the cameras.

"Then you'd better pace yourself," I warned her as she instantly ravished different dishes, rolling her eyes back in relish. Capitol people came and sought us out, much to Katniss' annoyance as they distracted her from the food. They showed her their Mockingjay accessories and tattoos. Of course it had turned into a mere fashion statement for them, it was absolutely typical. Katniss felt bad about not finishing the food, so she forced me to eat the rest so that it wouldn't go to waste, and my stomach filled up pretty fast.

"Ugh, I'm stuffed," Katniss groaned not before long. I nodded in agreement; I was full to the point of discomfort. Katniss' prep team approached us and Octavia asked why we weren't eating, laughing at us when Katniss explained that she couldn't handle another bite.

"Drink this," they said as they showed us tiny glasses filled with clear liquid. I instantly picked one up and brought to my lips before they stopped me, exclaiming that I would get it all over the floor. It didn't take me long to put two and two together.

"You mean this will make me puke?" I asked, horrified. They laughed again, chattering on about how it was the only way to have  _fun_. Disgusted, I set the glass delicately down on the table, afraid that I would break it in my fist, or throw it in their faces, if I didn't hold back. "Come on, Katniss, let's dance," I suggested as she continued to gape. I didn't even want to know what was going through her mind right now; Katniss,  _my_ Katniss had almost died of starvation in District Twelve, and these people were throwing food away for fucking  _fun_? All I could think about was her sunken frame as she lay famished in the rain when we were eleven, digging through our trash as I tossed her two burnt loaves of bread. I had gotten quite a beating for it, but it had been worth it, for I had saved her life. If I could have given her a whole feast back then, I would have.

I held her tightly as we swayed slowly to the music, our moves barely perceptible. She was frowning, and I could only imagine what was going through her head. She had survived more horrors than I had; she had met more starving children than me. I tell her how angry I am, how one minute you think they're not so bad, and then you realize that they are. She reminds me that these are the same people who send us to the games for their own amusement, that this is nothing new for them. I tell her that I can't stand this anymore, that sometimes I don't know what I'll do. "Maybe we were wrong to try to subdue things in the districts," I say. Katniss tells me to save it for home, so I do.

Soon, Portia comes by and introduces Plutarch Heavensbee to us, the Head Gamemaker this year. He asks to borrow Katniss, and I plaster a smile on my face as I gracefully pass her over to him, warning him playfully not to get too attached while every fiber of my being fights not to let her go. But I do, and I decide to use that time to walk over to the bakers and ask them questions about the cakes. I had seen the pastries a while earlier and had been itching to get my hands on them to study their designs.

The bakers trip over themselves as they answer all of my questions about frosting, and I study the elaborate designs on the cakes thoughtfully. I knew I could create something like this if I attempted it, and it was always nice to have fresh ideas to try out. "Do you watch  _Capitol Cakes?"_ one of them asked me, and I shook my head.

"Well it's a great show, all of us competed in it to get this job," the baker said proudly. Just then, Effie descended upon me to inform me that we had to be back at the train at one in the morning.

Katniss found me a few minutes later as I conversed with the bakers, and they set up a few small cakes to take home so that I could study them in peace. She takes a chocolate flower from one of the cakes and sucks it from her finger, and I smile despite myself. Katniss tells me that it's almost midnight, and Effie comes by to escort us back to the train.

We head straight to bed after that. I toss and turn in my bedroom, missing the feel of Katniss' body flush against mine. I pull back the covers impatiently and head straight to her room, where she was already sleeping soundly. I scoot close to her gently so as not to wake her and allow her to rest her head on my arm. I watched her smile in her sleep before I drifted off as well.

"No nightmares," I tell her when we wake up that afternoon.

"What?"

"You didn't have any nightmares last night," I repeated happily. Realizing that I'm right, she tells me about a happy dream that she had about Rue, and then asks me why she never notices when I have a nightmare. I tell her that it's because I paralyze in terror, and she suggests that I wake her when that occurs.

"It's not necessary. My nightmares are only about losing you. I'm okay once I realize you're there," I explain. She seems turned off by my sappy comment, so I add that it'll be worse when we get back home, and I'll have to sleep all alone in my bed. I shudder at the thought of going back to my cold empty house.

Before long, we arrive at District 12 and get ready for yet another party, this one at Mayor Undersee's house. I sigh. At least the Harvest Festival would ensure that no child would go hungry tonight.

* * *

A revolution ensues in District Eight. At one point, Katniss even suggests that we run away, and I don't know what to make of it. With everything becoming tenser, Gale gets whipped for hunting a turkey. It goes without saying that Katniss tries to stop it and gets beaten as a result. The bruise on her cheek is nothing compared to what they did to Gale's back, however, and I feel like throwing up at the sight. I never really had anything against Gale, and for once, I feel sorry him. But when Madge comes by with morphling, I realize something. "I didn't even know Madge knew Gale," I say out loud. Katniss replies tersely that they sell her strawberries, and I notice the anger and jealousy in her face when Haymitch comments on it. Surely she wouldn't be jealous if she didn't have feelings for Gale? I push the thought aside, reminding myself that Gale is heavily wounded at the moment and that this is no time to be jealous of him.

Katniss watches over him all night, and I come back the next morning to see her slumping on a chair beside him, her face resting on a tablecloth as her fingers are interlocked with his. My chest contracts painfully as I hold the plate of fresh bread in my hands. I barely slept last night, deciding to wake up early to bake and ease off some tension.  _They're best friends_ , I remind myself as I watch them quietly. But I know that I'm lying. She loves him, and he loves her, and assuming that there's anything between him and Madge would be too convenient for me. The only thing I had to hold on to were our nights on the train, but Katniss and Gale had much more than that; they had a deep friendship and fondness for each other that went back longer than the one that I had with her. I wasn't even sure what Katniss and I were anymore, but I did know that calling her my fiancée was a joke.

I wake up Katniss and ask her to go to bed, offering to look after Gale until everyone else wakes up. She reluctantly agrees, and I watch him in silence, deciding that if Katniss didn't love me, I would let her go if I could. As things were, however, she would be forced to be married to me while being in love with another man. I didn't know what hurt more.

* * *

I had been worrying constantly that Katniss would run off with Gale and leave me, and I'm playing chess with Haymitch at her house when the peacekeepers arrive. They ask where she is, and her mother tells them that she went for a walk. Everyone tries to act normal as they stand around for hours waiting for her to arrive, and eventually she does. I know instantly from the way that she walks that something is wrong, but know better than to mention it. They ask where she has been and she instantly starts joking around about not going to the Goat Man to get Prim's goat pregnant because Prim gave her the wrong directions.

Haymitch and I follow along, joking alongside her as we steal her bag of peppermints and she feigns being upset at us. I kiss her and pretend that we're just a happily engaged young couple, and she returns the kiss in earnest, but not before I see her wince in pain, and I realize that she's injured. It's not until the peacekeepers inform her that the fence will now be electrified 24/7 that I began to worry. She pushes the matter, telling them that she feels safe now that the security is up, and I try not to laugh.

Once the peacekeepers leave, however, I ask her what's wrong as she admits that she banged up her left heel and tailbone. I set her down on a rocker as her mother fixes her up and asks for the details, but Katniss lies, knowing that the house is bugged. She gives her some sleep syrup with her tea, and it's not long before I'm carrying Katniss up the stairs, tucking her into bed as she drifted into sleep.

I started to walk away before she stopped me, "Don't go yet. Not until I fall asleep." She requests. I can deny her nothing. I sit down beside her on the bed and take her hand in mine as I admit that I almost thought that she had changed her mind and left me. "No, I'd have told you," she assures me, taking the back of my hand against her warm cheek. Then, after a while, she says, "Stay with me," and I do.

"Always," I whisper, but by then she's already asleep.


	10. The Quell

" _On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."_

The words played over and over in my head. It was like a punch to the gut. Katniss wasn't safe yet. None of us would ever be. I realized that much too late, and now I regretted it as I ran through the snowy streets, looking for her. Where had she run off? Where could she possibly be? It didn't matter; she probably didn't want my company right now anyway. I had to find Haymitch before she got to him. I had to convince him to work with me to make sure that Katniss made it out of alive, even if I had to die. It was the only way.

I slammed the door open and strode into his house as I saw him slouching in front of the table with a bottle of liquor, as usual. He scowled at me, but I had no time for pleasantries. "You owe me," I demanded.

He quirked an eyebrow, "Pardon me?"

"You chose her last time; it's my turn now. You owe it to me to give me anything I want, and more," I told him firmly.

He chuckled, "Oh? And what is that?" he asked, smirking. As if he didn't already know.

"I want the chance to go in again and protect her," I declared, not missing a beat.

He threw his head back in laughter this time. "You're hopeless, boy, you know that? When are you going to realize that she's not worth everything you do for her? She could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve you," he stated matter-of-factly, taking a casual swig of his bottle.

I gaped, clenching my fists angrily. "How  _dare_ you-"

"Save it," He cut me off. "I already know that you hold her on a pedestal; I don't want to hear the details. And while I would usually argue that she loves you back, we both know that she's run out of time to realize it." His eyes were cold and empty, and I knew then that he pitied me.

"I know," I sighed. "But that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters as long as she's the one who makes out of the arena alive," I insisted.

He nodded thoughtfully. "Very well, then. But you must know by now that she'll probably come along and beg me to save you, and I'll have to lie to her. This will be a secret between you and me; she can suspect nothing of it. In fact, I will arrange everything to make sure you have allies this time, and that they're well aware of our deal. We can't allow Katniss to discover that she's the one we're trying to save. She's the symbol of the rebellion now, as much as she denies it."

"She doesn't realize a lot of things," I pointed out. "She has no idea how much influence she holds. At least in this way I know that you can't deny me my request."

"I'm sorry, boy," he murmured softly, his eyes red-rimmed from lack of sleep, revealing their full remorse.

I gulped. "Save it," I said. "I was already dead anyway."

And with that, I walked out the door and headed to my house to begin planning our training.

I didn't look back.

* * *

Finnick Odair was a living legend among tributes, not to mention extremely popular among women. But as soon as I saw him flirting with my Katniss while wearing nothing but a strategically placed knot of rope around his crotch, I knew from the look on her face that this only caused her discomfort. I couldn't help but smile at her naiveté. In this, Katniss was incomparably endearing to me.

"What did Finnick Odair want?" I asked her as soon as I approached her.

"He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets," she whispered seductively in my ear, her hot breath sending shivers through my spine.

"Ugh. Not really," I said, feigning disgust.

"Really," she said. "I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling."

"Do you think we'd have ended up like this if only one of us had won?" I asked her, looking around at the other tributes. My stomach churned at the thought of Katniss being forced to sleep with numerous men, used for their entertainment and disposed of just as easily. "Just another part of the freak show?"

"Sure. Especially you," she said.

"Oh? And why especially me?" I smiled at her, surprised.

"Because you have a weakness for beautiful things and I don't," she said in a superior tone. "They would lure you into their Capitol ways and you'd be lost entirely."

"Having an eye for beauty isn't the same thing as weakness," I pointed out to her. "Except possibly when it comes to you," I tell her lovingly, but she's already looking away at the doors opening for the chariots. "Shall we?" I asked as I took her hand and helped her into the chariot, knowing that our coal-changing costumes will take everyone's breath away, and that she is the most stunning creature of them all.

* * *

Chaff threw his arm around my Katniss and kissed her full on the lips. I would have been more taken aback if it wasn't so hysterical. The look on her face was absolutely priceless. I knew that she would kill me if I laughed out loud though, so I instead I watched her glare at Haymitch and Chaff as they guffawed.

Soon, the Capitol attendants were steering us towards the elevators, where we meet Johanna Mason, the District Seven tribute. She complained about her tree outfit and talked to Katniss about fashion, which obviously made her uncomfortable. To make matters worse, Johanna stripped off her outfit and kicked it aside, and this time it was harder for her Katniss to hide her discomfort. I pretended like it didn't affect me, but Johanna wasn't an average schoolgirl.  _Don't stare at her tits, don't stare at her tits, don't stare at her tits_ , I scolded myself.

I tried not to smirk as we stepped into the elevator and I began a casual conversation with Johanna about my paintings, holding my tongue as I almost admitted to her in front of Katniss that I used to draw nude girls back at home. Katniss noticed it when the light from our costumes reflected on Johanna's bare breasts, and before I knew it, I was grinning like a fool. Her scowl was more than evident by now.

When we landed on our floor and stepped out of the elevator, Katniss threw my hand aside and I burst out laughing, nearly peeing myself in the process. "What?" she snapped at me.

"It's you, Katniss. Can't you see?" I asked, trying to regain my breath.

"What's me?" she scowled. Her scowls were so damn sexy. I loved it when she was this feisty.

"Why they're all acting like this," I explained. "Finnick with his sugar cubes and Chaff kissing you and that whole thing with Johanna stripping down," I said as I kept trying to calm down. My serious tone wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to, though, and she knew it. "They're playing with you because you're so… you know," I smirked.

"No, I don't know," she said honestly. Oh, Katniss.

"It's like when you wouldn't look at me naked in the arena even though I was half dead," I began (and also completely flaccid, but that was beside the point). "You're so…pure," I finished.

"I am not," she exclaimed, outraged. "I've been practically ripping your clothes off every time there's been a camera for the last year!" She pointed out. Bless her heart; I had enjoyed that so much. She had gotten really good at hand jobs.

"Yeah, but… I mean, for the Capitol, you're pure," I insisted, trying to pacify her. "For me, you're perfect. They're just teasing you."

"No, they're laughing at me, and so are you!" she seethed.

"No."I shook my head, still trying not to grin. She was still glaring at me when Haymitch and Effie stepped out of the elevators, interrupting our discussion. Her face paled when she noticed Darius, our new Avox. He was the same man from our district who had been knocked out on the square during Gale's whipping.

* * *

Haymitch was highly disappointed in us after hearing what we did during our training scores. It was almost like we had planned it, me painting Rue and her hanging Seneca Crane. We had both scored a twelve. Needless to say, Haymitch had sent us early to bed.

"I'm sorry if I made things worse," she apologized as I held her tightly, running my hands up and down her spine while we stood outside her bedroom door.

"No worse than I did. Why did you it, anyway?" I asked her curiously.

"I don't know. To show them that I'm more than just a piece in their Games?" she said, echoing my statement from last year, giving me a strange sense of déjà vu. I chuckled and promised her that I would try to prove this as well, but I would try even harder to get her home. We both knew that Snow was out to kill us, after all. But we wouldn't go down without a fight.

"So what should we do with our last few days?"She finally asked.

"I just want to spend every possible minute of the rest of my life with you," I replied earnestly.

"Come on, then," she said, pulling me into her room.

And that's when I knew that it was time; she would finally be mine.

We lay down on the bed and I held her close to me, her head nestled comfortably on my chest. She sighed against me as I pulled the covers over us, maintaining our body warmth. I shifted uncomfortably; I was extremely hard and I couldn't even explain why this time. We had done this dozens of times. But I had been waiting for so long, so I let my hands wander under her nightgown until they were cupping her soft breasts. She moaned against my neck, her lips sending vibrations through my hot skin. "Peeta…" she hissed as my thumb encircled her hardened peaks. I flipped her onto her back as I hovered over her, pushing her nightgown all the way up over her head so that she was bare except for her panties. "Now you," she said as she pushed down my sweatpants. I kicked them aside, and her eyes widened when she saw me straining against my boxers.

I never got tired of the way she looked at me; it fueled my desire for her. "Let me make love to you," I whimpered against her lips when she kissed me. She stopped for a moment and gazed at me, then bit her lip and nodded. I grinned and kissed her again, parting her lips with my tongue as I savored the taste of her sweet mouth, stroking her tongue with mine. She clenched her fists into my hair, pushing me closer as I ran my fingertips over her heated skin. Her back arched against my palms as I kneaded her malleable breasts once more, her body aching for my eager touch. My hips pressed against hers and we both moaned as she reached down to grasp me, her short nails scraping against my skin as she tugged impatiently at my undershorts. I broke our kiss to help her out, tossing these aside as well. Her moon-colored her eyes had turned dark as night. I lifted her legs and rested her feet on my shoulders as I kissed my way down her thigh while massaging the arches of her feet, then the undersides of her thighs, until reaching her center, placing my mouth over the only piece of fabric she was wearing as she threw her head back and moaned. Suddenly she was my canvas, and I was her artist, and every kiss, every touch, was a splash of color, and I had to mix them in well so they would fit in just right. It was a challenge that I was more than willing to take. I hooked my thumbs to the sides her panties, easing them down her legs slowly, relishing each moment. Her excitement for me was palpable; she was flushed and wet and my fingers slid into her folds easily as she gasped my name over and over again while I moved my fingers in sync with our breaths. I grinned. This was better than finger-painting. I leaned in to kiss her again, but I could tell that she was distracted as my other hand had taken upon the task to twirl her rigid nipple. She bit my bottom lip hard, and I growled. Her eyes turned predatory as she took me in her hand again; working me like only she knew how to do. My eyes rolled to the back of my head.  _Not yet, not yet, not yet._ "Wait," I stopped her. She gave me a puzzled look, and I noticed that I had also ceased my ministrations on her. "I want it to last," I blushed.

"Oh, right," she said awkwardly, flushing as she let go of me.

"You're fine," I assured her as I delved into her folds again, this time rubbing her clit with my thumb as I used the moisture that I had gathered. She was trembling now, and I knew that she was close, so I sank my head in between her legs, lavishing her with my tongue, stroking, twirling, and sucking on her exotic, wild taste. She was even better than the strawberry tarts that I made back at the bakery, and as she let go, the thick drizzle of her cream was stolen by my mouth, she was all ripe fruit and sweet whipped cream. It was a recipe that not I even I could concoct. "Peeta!" she screamed as I felt the tremors of her body beneath me. I licked my lips and released her, pleased with her reaction. "Come here. Make me yours," she demanded as she reeled me in and kissed me hungrily.

I gasped. "Are you sure?" I asked once more, just to make sure.

She nodded, "of course," she breathed as she took me in her hand again and placed my tip at her entrance. I placed my hand over hers as I took over, and she let go when I sank into her slowly. She winced, and I instantly retracted. "Are you okay?" I asked worriedly.

"Yes, yes, keep going," she said quickly.

I went in again, waiting a few seconds as I let her adjust to my size before I went in any further. I pulled out and then went back in, repeating the process a few times before finally sinking all the way into her, kissing her lips so as to distract her from the oncoming pain. I drowned out her cry with my mouth, I could feel her flesh stretching and molding to me as I stroked her hair. "Shh, it's over now," I whispered, waiting for her cue so that I could move.

After a few more tense moments of languid kisses, she nodded. "You can keep going now," she gasped.

"Okay," I said as I began to move my hips back and forth at a leisurely pace, both for her sake and mine.

"Touch me," she begged as her nails scratched my back. I nodded, kissing her neck and making my way down her throat as my fingers began mapping her body, trying to memorize every crease, every curve, painting her lovely landscape with my caresses. My mouth reached her breasts, the hills of her body, and I used the brush that was my tongue to paint these. My mockingjay began to sing for me again. Our pace quickened, and before I knew it, I was thrusting faster and faster and her legs were wrapping around me, squeezing my hips as I suckled her. "Peeta, Peeta, Peeta," she sang breathlessly, endlessly.

"Katniss," I replied as I was reaching my climax, her moist flesh was tight and pliable and warm around me, and I was surprised when her walls tightened around me, milking my orgasm.  _She was coming with me._  I could hardly believe it, and a feeling of euphoria swallowed me whole. We both became lost in each other, fully connected in that moment, watching each other explode and fall apart in each other's arms. I was so much more than I could ever imagine for that infinite second.

I collapsed into her chest, murmuring incoherently into her ear, _"I love you, I love you, I love you thank you so much."_  I didn't expect her to respond, but she kissed me lovingly, and it was more than enough for me. I shivered, feeling the heat of our fire burn out slowly.

I had quenched the girl on fire.

"No nightmares?" I asked the next morning. I could hardly believe that I was waking up by her side after what we had done last night. She was bare against my body, so I knew that it hadn't been a dream.

"No nightmares," she confirmed. "You?"

"None. I'd forgotten what a real night's sleep feels like," I admitted. I was sated and rested from our lovemaking.

An Avox girl came in after a while, handing us a note from Effie informing us that our plans for the day had been cancelled. "Really?" I asked as I took the note from Katniss. "Do you know what this means? We'll have the rest of the day to ourselves," I said eagerly.

"It's too bad we can't go somewhere," she sighed wistfully.

"Who says we can't?" I asked, suggesting that we go to the roof. We had a picnic there, taking a blanket and a load of delicacies with us. We lay around in the sun all day, soaking in its rays and each other's presence as we ate and touched and kissed. She practiced her knots. I drew nude sketches of her, finally having my biggest muse at my disposal as she lay on the flower garden. We played with the force field on the roof, throwing apples at it. As the sun was sinking down, she rested her head on my lap as I stroked her hair and pretended to practice my knots while she made flower crowns with her nimble fingers. Suddenly, I stopped, realizing that I had never been so blissfully at peace, so deliriously happy before.

"What?" she asked.

"I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now, and live in it forever," I confessed.

"Okay," she said easily, taking me by surprise.

I couldn't help the smile that invaded my lips, "Then you'll allow it?" I asked hopefully.

"I'll allow it," she repeated.

I ran my fingers through her hair, scented with crushed summer flowers as I made love to her again and again, claiming her as my own.

We stopped just as the sunset approached, and I showed her the spectacular blaze of yellow and orange, a mix that I had mastered in my paintings. I loved the sunset almost as much as I loved her. "I didn't think you'd want to miss it," I told her.

"Thanks," she said gratefully.

We didn't join everyone else for dinner, and no one sought us out. Instead, we stayed on the roof until bedtime, counting the amount of sunsets we had left. She let me in her bed once more.

* * *

I prepared for my interview with Caesar even better than I did for my last one; I had to make sure everyone was well aware of how evil the Capitol's intentions were, even its citizens.

"So, Peeta, what was it like when, after all you've been through, you found out about the Quell?" Caesar asked.

I was ready for this question. "I was in shock. I mean, one minute I'm seeing Katniss looking so beautiful in all these wedding gowns, and the next…" I trailed off for effect.

"You realized there was never going to be a wedding?" he asked gently.

I thought about this for a moment. How could I possibly tell these people about my complete and utter heartbreak without breaking down? How could they even understand what we were going through? Finally, I decided that the truth just wouldn't do. "Caesar, do you think all our friends here can keep a secret?" I asked.

Everyone laughed awkwardly at this; it was obvious that it would be anything but a secret after I told it. "I feel quite certain of it," Caesar nonetheless assured me.

"We're already married," I said quietly, expecting everybody's look of shock.

"But… how can that be?" Caesar asked, perplexed.

"Oh, it's not official marriage," I explained. "We didn't go to the Justice Building or anything. But we have this marriage ritual in District Twelve. I don't know what it's like in the other districts. But there's this thing we do," I said as I began to explain the toasting.

"Were your families there?" he asked.

I said no to this, telling him we hadn't told a soul and how Katniss's mother wouldn't have approved of it anyway. No, we wanted our toasting, and we knew that the Capitol wouldn't do that for us, so we married before we even found out about the Quarter Quell. "But who could've seen this coming? No one. We went through the Games, we were victors, everyone seemed so thrilled to see us together, and then out of nowhere—I mean, how could we anticipate a thing like that?" I asked, outraged.

"You couldn't, Peeta," Caesar put his arm around me sadly. "As you say, no one could've. But I have to confess, I'm glad you two had at least a few months of happiness together," he said as everyone applauded enthusiastically. They chose that moment to show Katniss onscreen, faltering a sad smile and looking teary-eyed.

"I'm not glad," I admitted. "I wish we had waited until the whole thing was done officially."

Caesar was taken aback, and for good reason. "Surely even a brief time is better than no time?" he exclaimed.

"Maybe I'd think that, too, Caesar," I said bitterly, "if it weren't for the baby." And there it was. I had dropped the bomb on everyone, and screams of outrage and horrified accusations went through the crowd. Katniss was pregnant, and our unborn child's life was in danger.

 _Yeah, that's right bitches, I got laid,_  I thought as Caesar dismissed me. I had really fucked shit up this time, but they had it coming, and Snow knew it.

* * *

The island was no place for my girl on fire. It was also no place for a boy who couldn't swim, and I had to suck up my pride and let Finnick rescue me when I realized this.

"Come on, man, we're going to be allies, remember?" Finnick told me as he offered me his arm so that he could haul me back to shore, where Katniss was already awaiting us anxiously.

I finally agreed, and soon we arrived as I kissed Katniss on the lips. "Hello again," I said. "We've got allies."

I led our party through the island, slicing large leaves out of our way as I trudged on. One minute I was walking, and the next I was slamming against an invisible force field as I felt a heavy electric shock go through my body. I fell back on the ground, losing consciousness immediately.

For a nanosecond, I knew that I was dead.

Soft lips breathed life into me, and I gasped out, coughing. "Peeta!" Katniss cried out as she ran towards me, threading her fingers through my hair. My eyes opened up as they met her gray orbs. "Careful. There's a force field up ahead," I whispered weakly. Finnick was sitting back in front of me. The front of my suit was unzipped. He had just saved my life, I realized. Katniss laughed, tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. "Must be a lot stronger than the one on the Training Roof. I'm alright, though, just a little shaken."

"You were dead! Your heart stopped!" she sobbed, clapping her hand over her mouth in horror.

"Well it seems to be working now," I assured her. "It's alright, Katniss." She nodded, but kept on whimpering and choking and crying and my chest tightened. "Katniss?" I asked worriedly.

"It's okay. It's just her hormones. From the baby." Finnick said.

"No, it's not—" Katniss protested, but her sobbing only worsened, further proving Finnick's point.

Finnick looked at us curiously as I tried to console Katniss, which ironically only made things worse, since she was also upset about the fact that  _she_  should be consoling  _me_ , even though I was fine now. Something became apparent in that instant, and we all felt it. It was obvious that Finnick had known about Katniss' pretense, but now he wasn't so sure. I didn't blame him, for even I became lost in moments like these, moments in which I knew, without a doubt, that she truly loved me back, even though she didn't see it yet.

"How are you?" Finnick asked as he shook his head, as if to clear it. "Do you think you can move on?"

"No, he has to rest," Katniss insisted as Mags handed her some moss so that she could blow her nose. She then eyed my token and reached for the disk that hanged from a gold chain around my neck. "Is this your token?" she asked as she saw her mockingjay engraved on it.

"Yes. Do you mind that I used your mockingjay? I wanted us to match," I told her. It had actually been a gift from Haymitch, probably because he knew that I wouldn't come back, but he used the excuse that it was to incite the rebellion even further. I had put two pictures inside of it, both of which I had gotten from Mrs. Everdeen one day while Katniss had been out hunting.

"No, of course I don't mind," she tried to smile at me, but it turned out more like a grimace than anything else. She knew that President Snow wouldn't like this at all, but I was beyond caring what he thought.

Haymitch had been wrong.  _Everything_ that I did for Katniss was worth it, and she deserved that and much more. I only hoped that she wouldn't miss me too much when I was gone; I wanted her to be happy someday, despite it all.

And I would do anything to make that happen.

* * *

Katniss and I took the first watch one night, sitting on the sand back-to-back, our hips and shoulders pressing against each other. It's not long before she's resting her head on my shoulder, and I gently caress her long, dark, hair in comfort. I knew that she was still thinking about the jabberjays; her screams of horror as she imagined Prim's voice coming out of them broke my heart as I stood uselessly on the other side of the wall, unable to feel her, hear her, console her. It had been absolutely terrifying.

I was glad to have her close to me again. "Katniss," I said softly, "it's no use pretending we don't know what the other one is trying to do." She frowned at me, but I knew that she knew exactly what I was referring to. "I don't know what kind of deal you think you've made with Haymitch, but you should know he made promises as well. So I think we can assume he was lying to one of us." And it sure as hell wasn't me, but I didn't say that out loud.

That got her attention. "Why are you saying this now?" she asked.

"Because I don't want you forgetting how different our circumstances are. If you die, and I live, there's no life for me at all back in District Twelve. You're my whole life," I said passionately, "I would never be happy." No, I would drink my life away like Haymitch and live in absolute misery for the rest of my life, wasting away day by day. She tried to object, but I placed a finger upon her lips to shush her. "It's different for you. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard. But there are other people who'd make your life worth living," I explained. I had no one but her, she was my everything. Katniss had Prim, her mother, and Gale.

I removed my chain and held the disk up towards the moonlight so that she could see. I slid my thumb along the catch and popped it open, revealing the photos within the locket. Mrs. Everdeen and Prim were smiling on the right side, and Gale was smiling on the left. The look on Katniss's face proved me right; she truly loved more than she could ever know.

"Your family needs you," I told her gently. When she didn't respond, I continued. "No one needs me." I had learned to accept this fact from a very early age, and I had grown used to, even comfortable with, the idea. It was my fate, after all. I could do nothing but accept it at this point.

"I do," she finally said. "I need you." She sounded so sincere that I knew this one of those rare moments in which she was telling me she loved me without knowing it, and my heart broke all over again. But before I could muster up an argument, she kissed me, and I could do nothing but kiss her back and lose myself in the taste of her lips.

I knew instantly that this kiss was different. She wasn't hesitating; her lips weren't just going through the motions like they did whenever she kissed me in front of the cameras. No, _she was fully present, right here, right now, with me._  My body was burning with her fire, our mouths ravenous for each other. It was almost as if she was hungry for me, but if that was the case, then I must be  _starving_ for her _._ I was a man starving and thirsting in the hot desert of desire. Fire ran through my veins as the blood concentrated on my center, and I tried hard to shift my legs so as to hide my painful erection from the prying cameras.

Just then, a bolt of lightning broke through the sky, pulling us apart as Finnick woke up with a loud cry. Once he had reassured himself that he had only been having a nightmare, he made his way towards us, and I silently cursed him for interrupting this moment. "I can't sleep anymore," he said. "One of you should rest." Then, noticing our current position, he added, "Or both of you. I can watch alone." No fucking way was I going to sleep, not with this hard-on.

"It's too dangerous," I said instead. "I'm not tired. You lie down, Katniss." To my surprise, she didn't object, and I led her towards where the others were sleeping, putting my chain around her neck. I put my hand on her stomach, where I had hoped she would carry our child someday, but I knew now that it would never be. "You're going to make a great mother, you know," I said, kissing her gently, partly for the cameras, partly for us. Even if they were Gale's; it didn't matter. I just wanted her to move on with her life once this was all over, with or without me. I had never known someone more loving and caring than her. One day, she would know.

I made my way back towards Finnick, telling him that I was going to take a quick bathroom break. He nodded absently and I ran towards the forest, eager to get rid of my obvious erection. I eased my shorts down carefully before taking myself in my hand, leaning against a palm tree for support with one hand while I ran up and down my throbbing length with the other. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt the friction of my callused palms against my sensitive skin, almost relishing the pain as hot tears threatened to slip down my cheeks. _Katniss, Katniss, Katniss_ , I thought. Katniss, my almost love, Katniss, the girl on fire who had given herself to me, the woman who had always been mine and yet never had been. It wasn't meant to be. I could almost imagine her clenching herself around me, loving me with her actions instead of her words. It was all I ever wanted, I realized as I finally came on the ground. But I felt so empty now, so hollow. It had not been like when I'd made love to her, when emptying myself made me feel whole.

Now, I knew that I was completely and utterly alone. I made my way back towards the beach, watching the waves crashing back and forth towards the shore. They always came back, I thought. But I would never come back to Katniss, not like that. Somehow, I knew that this had been our last kiss.

* * *

Her voice was the last one I heard before they took me. "Peeta!" she screamed. "Peeta! I'm here! Peeta!"

"I'm here! I'm here!" I cried out, running as fast as I could with my bad leg.

I wasn't going to make it. "Peeta!" she screamed again.

They were closing in on us, I could feel it in my bones; I had to make my way towards the lightning tree before it was too late. "Katniss!" I howled desperately. Two canons sounded, and she didn't respond. Suddenly, everything exploded. White light shattered through my eyelids. Hands reached me, tugging me down roughly before knocking me out.

It was the last time I saw the light.


	11. The Hijacking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by the song, "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle, and the italic words are the lyrics. I must warn you that this is a very dark chapter, and you can skip it and wait until the next one if you prefer; the story will still make sense. I apologize for the extended wait. Enjoy…

_Nothing goes as planned._

_Everything will break._

_People say goodbye._

_In their own special way_

The last thing I recalled doing was killing Brutus. I had seen him take down Chaff, and as the light left his eyes, I remembered him kissing Katniss and laughing with Haymitch, swiveling identical glasses of liquor in their hands. So when Brutus had stolen Chaff's last living breath, I felt  _enraged_. As soon as Chaff had hit the ground, I tackled Brutus and wrapped my hands around his thick neck, catching him by surprise as I brought him down. I had learned from wrestling that we weren't supposed to clutch our opponents by the neck this way, because we would end up choking them. But I  _wanted_ to strangle Brutus, I wanted to see the light leave his eyes, so I gripped him even harder. No matter how strong he was, I was strong too, and I had more skill than he anticipated. I sought retribution. I didn't realize how much anger I felt until he was dead, his body limp and useless on the sand beside Chaff's. I felt hollow. Two cannons went off.

_Katniss._

And then I remembered where I was.

I woke up in a hoverplane, strapped to a large metal table. Figures hovered over me, injecting something into my veins. "You're awake." A deep male voice said. My eyes tried to adjust to the bright white light, but everything was hazy and something felt very, very wrong. Where was Katniss?

"What do you know about District Thirteen?" the man asked.

I frowned. "What?" I asked, perplexed. District Thirteen was gone, everyone knew that.

"You heard me," he continued, and this time I heard the edge in his voice. "You better answer if you want to stay alive much longer," he threatened.

I gulped. My head hurt, and I didn't know if I was having a nightmare or not. "Where's Katniss?" I croaked.

A painful electric jolt went through my body, and I screamed, arching my back in pain, but just as fast as it had come, it was gone. " _We_ ask the questions here," the man seethed.

Oh. I was a prisoner. I had no idea why this had never occurred to me before, but it was blatantly obvious now. "District Thirteen was destroyed by the Capitol ages ago; I don't know what you're talking about," I admitted.

He cackled, "Do you think we're stupid? Your little girlfriend is the symbol of the rebellion, and you were wearing the symbol yourself. We know the rebels were planning something, so speak up," he growled.

I still had no idea what he was talking about, but fortunately for me the hoverplane halted just then and he ordered the others to unshackle me from the cold sterile table, only to toss me to the ground and handcuff my wrists as strong hands gripped my forearms and dragged me out into the night. They threw a dark bag over my head so that I couldn't see where I was going, and I struggled to keep up with them with my bad leg as they shoved me forward until the atmosphere changed and I felt that we had gone inside a building. After what felt like dozens of twists and turns, they threw me on the ground and removed the bag from my head as they shut me inside a metal prison cell. I scrambled up and pounded against the solid steel doors until my knuckles bled, screaming until my throat was sore, but it was all to no avail.

* * *

_All that you rely on_

_And all that you can fake_

_Will leave you in the morning_

_But find you in the day_

Time passed agonizingly slowly, every second a terrifying eternity. I no longer saw the sunset. I was locked inside the dark torture room most of the time as the guards beat me until I passed out and they sent me back to my cell, where I still couldn't sleep because I could hear Johanna's screams on the other side of the wall, often followed by the sound of gurgling water and electric buzzing. They kept insisting that I knew something, but I didn't, so eventually they switched methods.

"We're going to steal your memories," the main guard from that first day informed me. "They're new orders. Since you're obviously ignorant, it won't matter. Snow intends to use you to break the Mockingjay," he grinned devilishly. He didn't have to tell me all of this. He was only doing it to get under skin, but I wouldn't let him. I would not allow anybody to steal my memories. I wouldn't let them change me.

I would die as  _myself._  Even if it was the last thing I ever did.

I clenched my jaw and resisted them as they shoved me into a chair, but they only gripped me harder and then strapped me to it. My heart pounded. What if they made me forget Katniss? They could never make me forget my love for her. What if they were going to electrify me again? I hated that. It was my least favorite form of torture, although they were all horribly painful. "We'll go easy on you since you still have an interview with Caesar," the guard told me as he sterilized the needle. The other one turned on the television.

I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for them to stab me with the needle. I wondered if they would force my eyelids open. "Stop!" A guard cried out as he burst in. I opened my eyes. "President Snow would like to postpone the hijacking until after the interview. Take him to the hospital and then his prep will take over," he said urgently.

I exhaled audibly in relief. Being in an interview on live television meant that I would be able to send a message to Katniss. It would cost me a brutal beating, but I was used to it by now. I could only hope that wherever she was, she would receive it.

* * *

_Oh, you're in my veins_

_And I cannot get you out_

_Oh, you're all I taste_

_At night inside of my mouth_

I was anxiously tapping my foot against the metal rung beneath my chair as the camera focused from President Snow to me. My heart was beating rapidly with anger and frustration, drops of sweat trickling down my forehead and over my upper lip. I couldn't focus. I gripped my chair tightly and tried to keep myself together.  _Just a little bit longer and then it's over_ , I thought to myself.

But that wasn't a very comforting thought, considering things could only go downhill from here.

I wet my lips and began stammering out the lines that were appearing on the screen in front of me, my overly-frustrated tone seeping through my words of cease-fire and damage caused by the ongoing rebellion. Lies, all lies. Well, maybe not the part about the external damage. It was the internal damage that had been killing us this whole time, not the rebellion. I believed in the rebellion, and I believed in Katniss. But I had to say what they were forcing me to say, at least for now.

Suddenly, the screen changed, and I saw Katniss standing outside of what used to be the bakery, what used to be  _my home_ , but was now only a charred pile of rubble, and I could barely contain the tide wave of emotions that coursed powerfully through me. I didn't even notice the commotion around me as they attempted to fix the problem, all I could think of was Katniss, and the look on her face, her gray eyes hiding pain, and my home and my family being burned to the ground. It was all I could do to hold on to the last remnants of my sanity as the screen changed again and the letters were back, and I found myself muttering them distractedly. But then it switched again, this time to a clip of Finnick talking about Rue, and after that everything turned into a game of virtual tug-of-war, the outside turmoil increasing almost as fast as my deteriorating mind. Snow was beyond livid now, and he propelled himself in front of the cameras as he made an announcement about the incriminating rebels ruining our footage, and then turning to me and asking me if I had any last words for Katniss Everdeen.

The sound of her name brought me back to the present as I realized that this was my chance. "Katniss…" I begin, wincing with the effort of keeping it together, "how do you think this will end? What will be left? No one is safe. Not in the Capitol. Not in the districts. And you…in Thirteen…" I took in a breath, nearly unable to muster my last words out as my mind was on the verge of collapsing, "Dead by morning!"

"End it!" Snow screeched just as we were assailed by short clips of Katniss in front of a hospital. I couldn't keep it together anymore, but I tried to keep speaking until the camera was dropped and the guards aimed their batons over my skull. I lost consciousness immediately.

* * *

_Everything will change_

_Nothing stays the same_

_Nobody's here's perfect_

_Oh, but everyone's to blame._

This is it. I am brought back to consciousness as every inch of my being burns with the intensity of the pain. They are forcing my eyes open as they strap me to the chair again, stabbing me with the needle that will change everything about me forever.

I try to fight it as best as they can, but my mind keeps teetering on the edge of an endless void. I scream in horror as I watch Katniss stabbing me, clawing at me, biting me and attacking me ceaselessly until I'm nothing but an undistinguishable piece of gory flesh and bones. She's a mutt, I realize. She's hated me this whole time…but…but how come I never saw it before? They continue the torture, showing me footage of her flinging a tracker nest at my head while I'm sleeping beneath her tree during the first games. Her only plan was to murder me this whole time, to get rid of me. They tell me that she killed my family, burned all of District Twelve to ashes. The last thing I think of is how at least I'm glad that my spiteful mother is dead before my eyes roll to the back of my head and the rest of my body convulses.

* * *

_Oh, you're in my veins_

_And I cannot get you out_

_Oh, you're all I taste_

_At night inside of my mouth_

I wonder if Katniss is dead yet. Part of me hopes that she is, or at least evil Peeta does. That's what I've started calling him. He has shiny memories that bring me to the brink, and I keep telling myself that it's not real, that he's just a Capitol creation, like so many other dark things. But as I hear Johanna's screams from the other side of the wall, I feel anger and resentment swelling within my chest, and I know then that I have every right to feel this way. I clench my jaw even though every single one of my muscles hurt, but the pain keeps me somewhat sane, reminds me that part of me is still there. Part of me still loves her. Part of me remembers the good things and the bad things. A considerable amount of it has been smothered by false memories, however, and now I only have a few things left to hold on to. The feeling of her warm lips against mine. Her rare and precious smile. Her betrayals and my unrequited love for her. Her lies, her heated skin trembling beneath my body, her ragged voice in the wee hours of the night. Her velvety walls clenching themselves around me as I fall over the edge with her. I could deny her nothing, and I would forgive her everything.

They cannot possibly make me forget that; no can ever make me forget that I love Katniss Everdeen with every part of my being.

* * *

_Oh, you run away_

' _Cause I am not what you found_

_Oh, you're in my veins_

_And I cannot get you out_

She hates me. She fucking hates me, and I know it, I've always known it. And I hate her back. All of this ache and suffering is because of her, or at least that's what they tell me, that's what they show me in the clips, and I know then that I had been foolishly blinded with love before, but not anymore. I should have known, I should have known, I should have known. She's always wanted Gale, hasn't she? The fact that I'm a prisoner here and he's with her is proof of it, after all.

I fall asleep to the sound of Johanna's ear-splitting screeches again. We've become disturbingly familiar with each other's cries of pain. It's almost a comfort at this point, to know that we're not alone in this. Every time that we are led to the torture chambers, the prison guards try to pry information out of us, information that I never have. I highly suspect that they only do this for fun now. They know that I don't know anything. But Johanna must at least known more than I do, because they are only keeping me alive as bait, and they have already taken everyone important away from Johanna. She actually has secrets to give away, unlike me. No one ever cared enough about me to tell me anything.

The metallic taste of blood in my mouth overwhelms my senses, and I know that I am dying, but they are drawing it out as long as they can. I try not to think about Katniss, but not thinking about her only reminds me of other things that I don't want to think about. Like my dead family. My kind yet submissive father, always following my mother's demands and serving at her every whim even though she was insatiable. My playful yet somewhat indifferent brothers, who cared enough to talk to me but not enough to defend me. And finally my cruel and unforgiving mother. I have so much pent-up rage, hatred, and resentment for her and it is all being released now. The only person in this world who was supposed to love me unconditionally never even gave me a second thought. Instead, she hit me and insulted me and engraved it into my mind that I was worthless, useless, and that everyone would be better off without me, no one ever needed me, and no one could ever want me.

But this only reminds me of Katniss, and I weep, because part of me still aches for her affection while the rest of me was desperate to make her pay.

* * *

_No, I cannot get you out_

As if the physical and mental torture wasn't enough, they had taken to raping me.

It had been the last straw, and after this I had lost my mind and the only thoughts I had now were Katniss and pain and pain and Katniss and blood and death and pain and Katniss.

Screaming. I could always hear screaming, but I could no longer differentiate between mine and Johanna's. All I knew was that there was blood splattered on the walls.

It must have been Katniss' doing. Everything was her fault. I felt another violent thrust before I finally collapsed.

_No, I cannot get you out_

Surely sex was something I had done before. Except this wasn't sex, it was abuse. Still, I tried telling myself that I must have enjoyed it at some point, but I could barely hold on to that thought before I remembered that it had been with Katniss, and as the venom swept my veins, I realized that she had used me as well. Would I ever forget her?

_Oh no, I cannot get you out._

I lusted for her blood. I wanted it to drip down my fingers the way mine ran down the walls before pooling to the floor. I wanted to take her from behind like they did with me, to tug at her braid until I tore at her dark hair. I wanted to make her suffer, to make her a victim of my newfound wrath.

I grinned weakly, and then doubled over as I threw up blood again. At this rate, I would be dead before morning.

_No, I cannot get you…_

I had a dream that Boggs came to drag me out of my cell. Or maybe it wasn't a dream, because when I was able to open my eyes long enough to pay attention to my surroundings, I saw Gale dragging out Johanna, or at least what was left of her. She met my gaze, and I laughed, despite myself. From the look on her face, there must not be very much left of me either. We were both covered in oozing blood and violent bruises, and as I turned weakly I saw Annie being released as well, but she at least seemed to be in a better physical state than us. Her crazed expression was one I had become only too familiar with, though.

_Everything is dark_

_It's more than you can take_

_But you catch a glimpse of sunlight_

_Shining down on your face_

_On your face, on your face_

The sun. I had forgotten all about the sun during my time with the eternal darkness, but I caught a glimpse of the sunset before we were brought underground. The sunset… I knew it meant something to me once, but I wasn't sure what or why, so I shrugged it off. It was hard enough remembering my own name nowadays. I was brought to a hospital, where doctors poked me and prodded at me like the torturers had. They even strapped me to the hospital bed when I tried to struggle, blinding my frantic eyes with bright lights. I screamed when they injected me with needles. It would never be over.

_Oh, you're in my veins_

_And I cannot get you out_

_Oh you're all I taste_

_At night inside of my mouth_

I knew that Katniss was here, that hideous mutt. I had heard them-whoever these new people were- talking about her, whispering about how she was anxious to see me. She must be anxious to kill me. It didn't matter, though, because I would get to her first. I would strangle the life out her, crush her windpipe the way I had with Brutus so long ago. Maybe then the taste of her lips wouldn't linger in my mouth while it was filled with blood.

_Oh, you run away_

' _Cause I am not what you found_

_Oh, you're in my veins_

_And I cannot get you out_

_No…_

I'm sitting up on the bed with a trio of doctors checking my pulse and flashing lights in front of my eyes again when I finally see her. I cannot decipher the look on her face…surprise?

_No, I cannot get you out_

Disbelief that I am not dead, as she surely must have hoped? It doesn't matter, because I'm going to kill her first.

_Oh, you're in my veins_

I shove the doctors aside as I leap to my feet and run up to her at the same time that she runs towards me.

_No, I cannot get you out_

She extends her arms out to me to attack me, but I'm already aiming my hands at her throat, and before I know it, they are locked around her, crushing her windpipe as her gray eyes fill with terror.

_Oh no, I cannot get you…_

I almost kill her before they stab me with a needle and I collapse.


	12. The Confrontation

It was a while before I saw Katniss Everdeen again. Primrose Everdeen, however, was a different matter entirely. I saw her every day, and she had taken it upon the task of showing me the "right clips" of Katniss in order to "un-hijack" me. Prim seemed nice enough, or at least nicer than the prodding doctors, and definitely nicer than her horrible mutt of a sister. They didn't even look the same, but even then, I couldn't trust her completely. Despite her insistence on helping me, I knew that she was probably on Katniss' side. Prim was more of an assistant than an actual doctor, of course, but everyone seemed so enchanted by her that they even took her suggestion of giving me something to draw with.

I ended up coloring with crappy kindergarten crayons, because apparently I couldn't stab myself with them. It was ridiculous really, to think that I once had been an artist when I could barely keep my hands from shaking now. I gripped the crayons so tightly and colored so thickly that soon I was left with nothing but stubs. It was infuriating. All I could draw was Katniss, but no one took notice, because she was a hideous, badly-drawn mutt on all of them. Needless to say, I always ran out of red first.

* * *

The next day, a blonde girl stepped in through the door warily as I lay on the hospital bed where they had me restrained for when I had one of my "episodes." I was supposedly better now, but still, they didn't trust me, and I supposed I couldn't blame them. Hell, I wouldn't trust myself either. "Hello, Peeta," she said politely as she came in, smiling at me as if I were a frightened child. "Peeta? It's Delly, from home," she said when my eyes widened in confusion. She approached me slowly but kept herself at a safe distance. I knew that there were people outside of the two-way mirror watching us.

"Delly?" Of course, this was my best friend from home. "Delly. It's you," I said with relief.

"Yes!" she exclaimed happily. "How do you feel?" she asked.

"Awful. Where are we? What's happened?" I asked, suddenly unsure of my surroundings.

"Well…we're in District Thirteen. We live here now," she explained.

"That's what those people have been saying. But it makes no sense. Why aren't we home?" I couldn't remember if someone had already answered this before.

Delly bit her lip anxiously and then started rambling on about how there was an accident and how she missed home and how I used to draw pigs and cats with chalk on the paving stones. I had no idea what this had to do with anything, though. I asked her about the accident again and she said it was bad, but that I would like it here because people were nice and they provided for us.

"Why hasn't my family come to see me?" I insisted, even though I felt like I already knew the answer to this.

"They can't," she said, tearing up. "A lot of people didn't get out of Twelve. So we'll need to make a new life here. I'm sure they could use a good baker…" she continued to speak, but I was no longer listening.

"I can help you sort out some of your memories, if you want," she offered nervously, trying to recapture my attention. There was something at the tip of my tongue, a memory I was trying to recall, but all of them were fleeting now.

"Could you tell me a little bit about my family?" I asked after a few awkward moments of silence. I remembered them, but not as well as I probably should. In fact, I was starting to get better at remembering people, and there were also people who I hadn't forgotten about. Delly's presence was very comforting.

She hesitated, "Um. Of course…. You had two older brothers, Leven and Rye, and your parents, Nora and Bran. Your brothers were really funny sometimes, and they teased you a lot, but they cared about you, and all of you liked to wrestle. In fact, the three of you were the best wrestlers at our school, and you were very well-liked. Leven was a bit serious, and Rye could be a bit of a jerk at times, but you were always nice to everyone," she went on.

"And what about my parents? My mom was a total bitch, wasn't she?" I asked.

Delly bit her lip and fidgeted nervously. "Look Peeta, what's past is past, okay? You dad was really nice to you, and he loved you very much. I remembered you were very close. Your mom may have been a bit strict, but I'm sure she cared about you too…" she trailed off.

I laughed caustically. "Oh, please. My mother didn't give two flying fucks about me. I remember that, if nothing else. They reminded me of that constantly when I was at the Capitol. They used my shitty self-esteem against me, and look at me now. At least I now know that Katniss wasn't any better. She was just another bitch trying to bleed me dry," I hissed, tightening my fists, making the veins on my arm protrude.

Delly's eyes widened, "No, no, Peeta, that's not true! They lied to you, Katniss  _loves_  you and-"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE! SHE'S A LYING MUTT WHO DESTROYS EVERYTHING!" I remembered now. "There was fire," I said suddenly.

"Yes," she whispered, her bottom lip trembling.

"Twelve burned down, didn't it? Because of her," I seethed. "Because of Katniss! I tugged on my restraints, trying to free myself so that I could  _kill that stinking mutt._

"Oh no, Peeta. It wasn't her fault," she insisted, frightened.

"Did she tell you that?" I demanded. Of course she had; no wonder Delly was scared. Katniss had threatened her.

"She didn't have to. I was-" she began, but she was cut off by the door opening behind her.

"Because she's lying! She's a liar! You can't believe anything she says! She's some kind of mutt the Capitol created to use against the rest of us!" I shouted.

"No, Peeta. She's not a-"

"Don't trust her, Delly," I warned my best friend. "I did, and she tried to kill me. She killed my friends." I remembered them now- Nert and Blathe. "My family," I added, all of them dead, because of her. "Don't go near her! She's a mutt!"

A hand reached out to pull her out of the room, but I kept on screaming, "A mutt! She's a stinking mutt!" I shouted and yelled until my chest was heaving and they were stabbing me with needles again until my voice was gone.

* * *

When Haymitch came to visit me, I had to clench my fingertips on the edge of the desk I was sitting on and push against my handcuffs to stop myself from launching against him. He was also on Katniss's side, they were all fucking traitors. I could trust no one. Not now, not ever.

"Take it easy boy, I'm not going to confront you," he began as he eyed me warily.

"What do you want?" I snapped, getting to the point.

"You used to be much more amiable, you know," he joked. I didn't smile.

"There are people out there who want to see you. People out there who care about you, and believe it or not, I'm one of them, but I would have never admitted this to you before because I wouldn't have had to," he hesitated before continuing. "I saved Katniss because you told me to, even after she insisted that I save you instead…"

"Don't give me that bullshit, I'm not fucking stupid," I cut him off. "Why should I believe a damn word you have to say? You saved her because she's leading the rebellion, which I could care less about right now."

"Well you should care!" he raised his voice at me. "You wouldn't have gone through this if it weren't for the Capitol.  _No one_ you and everyone else cared about would have had to suffer such a terrible death," he spat.

"Then why didn't you tell me about the rebel plot? Why did you keep me out of it? You  _betrayed_ me," I hissed.

"It was for your own good, and I tried to save you, but I couldn't. If I had told you and Katniss about the plan, you would have acted differently. She wanted to save you, and you wanted to save her. I could only help one of you."

"That doesn't change the fact that Katniss is a  _fucking mutt_ ," I growled, gritting my teeth.

"Listen to yourself boy; you don't even know what you're saying." He shook his head sadly. "I'll give you one thing, though, you're right to be disappointed in her. She's been a fucking mess since you were kidnapped, and she's not any better now. The least you could do is talk to her, even though I highly doubt that will go well."

"I don't want to talk to her, I want to kill her," I said flatly.

"Well you're going to have to if you want your memories back," he snapped.

My jaw twitched, "Fine, I would like to see her then," I gave in. Maybe then I could kill her.

Haymitch nodded. "Good, then. I will work on convincing the doctors to let her come see you. Don't ever say I never did a damn thing for you," he said as he walked away, shutting the door behind him. I looked back down at my paper. I couldn't remember what I had been drawing before Haymitch had busted in, so I crumpled it up and started all over. Therapeutic crayons were the stupidest thing I had ever heard of.

* * *

There was a wedding soon, and they told me that I could decorate the cake, under heavy supervision, of course. When they explained to me that it was for Annie and Finnick's wedding, a flood of memories came rushing through me. Annie, the poor mad girl from the sea that Finnick loved, the girl who was tortured along with Johanna and I. Finnick was lucky to have someone like her, though, because she was sweet and she loved him as much as he loved her.  _Not like Katniss_ , I thought bitterly as I mixed in the colors to create the perfect shade of sea-green.

It took me hours to decorate and design the cake, but it had been well worth it. I hadn't been so calm and serene in ages. The warm smell of bread and the familiar sight of baking supplies made me feel at home. The swirling of the colors beneath my hands as I frosted the cake made me feel whole. I was more than happy to finally be doing something nice for somebody that I cared about through something that I always loved to do. I almost felt like my old self again.

Finally, I stepped back to look at the finished product with pride. The blue-green, white-topped icing waves were filled with swimming fish and sailboats and seals and beautiful sea flowers that made me think of Annie. I had done it. After weeks of drawing with crappy crayons, I had finally been able to keep my hands steady long enough to create a masterpiece. I had never felt so accomplished before, and if I had, I couldn't remember it.

"Well done, boy," Haymitch grunted in approval when I told him that I was finished.

"I think I'm ready to see Katniss now," I said breathlessly.

* * *

I locked my eyes on her as soon as she opened the door. I was so thoroughly restrained that I knew that I couldn't afford to lose control, so I just watched her warily, trying to decipher if she was truly a mutt or not. She wasn't as scary as I remembered, though. Her ribs protruded from inside of her shirt as she approached me. She was pathetically thin, I couldn't help but think. She crossed her arms protectively over her ribs, as if hearing my thoughts. "Hey," she said.

"Hey," I replied curtly.

"Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me," she began.

"Look at you, for starters," I said as I stared at her. She looked weak, but I knew better than that. She was hiding something, I knew it. Her strength was in her lies, in her cunning betrayals and her deathly arrows. She was violent, distrustful, manipulative, and deadly. How could I have been so easily fooled by such a creature? Sensing my staring, she looked around furtively, as if she was waiting for something to happen. So I finally spoke, "You're not very big are you? Or particularly pretty?" I pointed out.

"Well you've looked better," she scowled. There it was.  _That fucking scowl._

"And not even remotely nice. To say that to me after all I've been through." But what else could I possibly expect from a mutt, right?

"Yeah. We've all been through a lot. And you're the one who was known for being nice. Not me _." Sure, blame it on me, Katniss,_  I thought. "Look, I don't feel so well. Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow," she said quickly as she started moving away from me, but not before I held her back.

"Katniss. I remember about the bread," I said. It had been right after I had finished baking the cake.

"They showed you the tape of me talking about it."

"No. Is there a tape of you talking about it? Why didn't the Capitol use it against me?" I asked suddenly.

"I made it the day you were rescued," she replied, wincing. "So what do you remember?"

"You. In the rain," I said softly. Something stirred deep within my chest. "Digging in our trash bins. Burning the bread. My mother hitting me. Taking the bread out for the pig but then giving it to you instead." It was then that I realized what I felt: warmth. I had loved her so much. And I couldn't understand why at all.

"That's it. That's what happened," she confirmed. "The next day, after school, I wanted to thank you. But I didn't know how."

More memories flooded in, and my chest contracted. "We were outside at the end of the day. I tried to catch your eye. You looked away. And then…for some reason, I think you picked a dandelion." She nodded slowly. "I must have loved you a lot," I breathed.  _I still do_ , something weak and buried within me whispered faintly.

"You did," she said, her voice catching. She tried to cover it up with a cough, but I had heard it.

"And did you love me?" I asked. I held in my breath.

She looked down at the floor. "Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me."

 _Bullshit._ I was angry again. "That's not an answer," I snapped. "I don't know what to think when they show me some of the tapes. In that first arena, it looked like you tried to kill me with those tracker jackers."

"I was trying to kill all of you," she said. In other words, don't take it personally, Peeta, she's an evil bitch to everyone. "You had me treed." Excuses, excuses.

"Later, there's a lot of kissing. Didn't seem very genuine on your part. Did you like kissing me?" I pressed on.

"Sometimes," she blushed slightly. "You know people are watching us now?"  _When aren't they?_

"I know. What about Gale?" I asked.

This time, her scowl returned, and I knew I had pushed her too far. "He's not a bad kissing either," she said brusquely.

"And it was okay with both of us? You kissing the other?"  _You fucking whore._

"No. It wasn't okay with either of you. But I wasn't asking your permission," she snapped, and I laughed. My mother had been right about her after all. She was just a filthy Seam slut.

"Well, you're a piece of work, aren't you?" I smirked. I didn't stop her when she walked out. She knew that I was right. I had won.

* * *

My friend Delly came to visit me a few more times, and we had gotten better at arguing. She yelled at me for calling Katniss a whore, and defended her every single time, saying that I only thought she was a mutt because of what the Capitol had done to me. Delly tended to sugarcoat things, so I didn't take any of her points too seriously.

And yet I trusted Delly, so I knew that some of it must have been true, at least. My perception of Katniss was wavering. I could still remember the bread, and I was perplexed by my love for her. I had been either really foolish or really blinded by love, most likely both. Still, I couldn't deny the fact that my dick became hard at thought of her. It was as if my body recognized something about her that I couldn't remember. I hated it. It was impossible to find all of the relief I needed with a bunch of doctors watching me constantly.

One day, they finally allowed me to come out of my room to eat in the cafeteria along with everyone else. Two guards walked behind me, my hands awkwardly holding my lunch tray with my wrists shackled. I was the standing near the empty seat behind Johanna, trying to work up the guts to ask if I could sit there, but I was frozen. Katniss was there, laughing at something Finnick was saying. I wouldn't put it past her to sleep with him too. "Peeta!" Delly exclaimed cheerfully as soon as she saw me. "It's so nice to see you out…and about," she trailed off, always the sugar coater.

"What's with the fancy bracelets?" Johanna asked, eyeing my wrists.

"I'm not quite trustworthy yet," I explained. "I can't even sit here without your permission," I said, nodding at the guards.

"Sure he can sit here. We're old friends," Johanna said as she patted the seat beside her. The guards nodded at me as I sat down. "Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol. We're very familiar with each other's screams," she said bluntly, making Annie cover her ears in terror. Finnick glared at Johanna.

"What? My head doctor says I'm not supposed to censor my thoughts. It's part of my therapy," she said calmly as Finnick tried to handle Annie.

"Annie," Delly said brightly after she had calmed down, trying to break the awkward silence. "Did you know it was Peeta who decorated your wedding cake? Back home, his family ran the bakery and he did all the icing."

Annie eyed Johanna cautiously before replying, "Thank you, Peeta. It was beautiful."

"My pleasure, Annie," I smiled gently at her. Annie was such a nice girl. She deserved the best.

"If we're going to fit in that walk, we better go," Finnick told her as they stood up. "Good seeing you, Peeta," he directed at me.

"You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from you," I said icily. I meant it. I would do anything to make Katniss hurt the way I was hurting right now. And if my suspicious were right, Finnick was probably cheating on Annie with Katniss the Seam Slut.

"Oh, Peeta," Finnick said lightly, "Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart," he said before leaving, but not before glancing at Katniss. My stomach flipped. What did I care if he was worried about Katniss? She never loved me the way Annie loved Finnick, after all. They were probably just communicating that they would fuck later. I gritted my teeth.

"He did save your life, Peeta. More than once," Delly reproached.

"For her," I said, nodding towards Katniss. "For the rebellion. Not for me. I don't owe him anything," I said bitterly.

Katniss took the bait. "Maybe not. But Mags is dead and you're still here. That should count for something."

"Yeah, a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to, Katniss. I've got memories I can't make sense of, and I don't think the Capitol touched them. A lot of nights on the train, for instance."  _Like how I touched you. How you touched me. How you came and wreathed beneath my touch, how you made me gasp and moan and I did the same to you. How I think about it every damn night._

I then turned to her and Gale, her other supposed lover. "So, are you two officially a couple now, or are they still dragging out the star-crossed lover thing?" I asked nastily.

"Still dragging," Johanna replied.

My muscles began to spasm as I clenched my fists in anger. I wanted to choke that bitch, and not in the fun way. Gale saw the way I was looking at Katniss, and he tensed beside her. "I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself," was all he said.

"What's that?" I demanded.

"You," he said simply. What an asshole.

"You'll have to be a little more specific," I pressed impatiently. "What about me?"

"That they've replaced you with the evil-mutt version of yourself," Johanna interceded.

"You done?" he asked Katniss as he finished his milk. They stood up and left, probably to fuck in a corner somewhere, since that's all Katniss ever did nowadays: fuck everyone else but me.  _Like I need her,_  I scoffed at myself.

As soon as they were gone, Delly turned to me angrily, "Peeta how  _could you?_ " she screeched, her voice rising two octaves higher than usual.

"Do you even know how much it hurts that she gave up on me to be with him?" I growled.

"What the hell's wrong with you, she's not even with Gale, and never mind that, you shouldn't have been so rude!" she screamed.

"I hate her, I want to kill her; she's a fucking slut!" I yelled back.

"Peeta! What did I say about calling her that? You were horrible to her, and all of those things that you said about Annie, WHAT WAS THAT?" her face was bright red now, but I could care less that everyone was watching us now. I didn't know what to think anymore, and Delly just kept yelling and her voice kept rising, to the point that it was so high-pitched it made my ears hurt.

" _I want to fuck her I want to kill her fuck you Katniss why can't you get out of my head, I hate you so much, why won't you love me, you fucking slut you mutt why won't you love why won't you love me why won't you…"_

"Peeta, stop it, what are you saying?"Delly shouted as she shook my shoulders urgently.

" _I'm sorry, that was rude of me to say that."_

" _No, you should choke her for being a filthy mutt!"_

" _I wish she would love me back."_

" _You hate her, she needs to die."_

This time, the guards caught on and dragged me out of the cafeteria as I continued to argue with myself. They knocked me out again.

* * *

I am selfish and wrong and flawed, but I see everything so clearly now. I know who she is. I know what I want to do with her. So certain, in fact, that when she slips into my room that night, I don't doubt it. My lips trace into a smile. "Come to finish me off, Sweetheart?" I asked darkly.

I knew she would come. She was a slut after, all and that's what they did. "Peeta," she breathed as she approached my bed, but not before turning the camera in the wall away from us, not before closing the curtain to the two-way mirror. How did she even get here? I didn't care. I was hard, and I wanted her now.

"Release me," I hissed, looking down at me restraints. She gulped, hesitating slightly before unclasping my wrists from the bed.

"I trust you," she whispered.

"You shouldn't," I said.

"I know."

"You're mine," I growled, and she flinched.

"I- I, shouldn't be here," her lip quivered.

I laughed, holding her by the shoulders as I sat up. "Too late," I said in her ear.

"This is isn't who you are, Peeta." She murmured.

"And who am I, Katniss? Who are you?" I asked, pressing her body firmly against my erection. She gasped.

"You… I…we…" she stuttered weakly.

"That's right. We've done this before, haven't we?" I asked, pulling on her hair so that she would look at me. Her eyes were silver fire, as if such a thing existed.

"Fuck you," she breathed, and I grinned.

"Don't you even  _think_  of going to some other dick, you hear me?"

"I never-"

"Shut up!" I cut her off. "You're  _mine_ , Mockingjay, despite what everyone else thinks.  _My_ stinking mutt.  _My_ filthy Seam slut," I grinned.

She spat at me angrily, and I wiped my face casually with the hand that wasn't restraining her. "I'm none of those things," she said defiantly.

But just then, I slipped my finger beneath her nightgown, coming into contact with the apex of her thighs. She moaned as I rubbed the warm, wet spot over her underwear. "That's what I thought," I chuckled.

She swallowed. My cock twitched at the gesture. "Kneel over the bed," I ordered her. She caught my serious tone, her eyes widening. "I'm going to take you from behind," I told her as I pulled her nightgown off of her with one smooth move, and she quickly scrambled up into position, her limbs trembling. I pulled down her underwear so that she was completely naked. I then tossed off my pajamas and pulled down my undershorts quickly as I crawled up behind her. I took my cock in my palm and stroked it a few times with one hand while the other reached for one of her tits as I hovered over her. "Oh, Peeta," she whimpered as I pulled on her nipple while I teased her entrance with the head of my cock. She was so fucking warm.

"Tell me what you want, Katniss," I said, my voice husky and low.

"You," she squeaked.

"You've missed me, haven't you? You can fuck Finnick and Gale all you want, but in the end, it's me you fucking want, isn't it?" I breathed into her ear, making her shudder.

"Yes, yes, Peeta,  _please_ ," she begged. "I've missed you so much."

"Please, what?" I demanded, twirling on her nipple with my thumb and forefinger as I slid a finger into her moist folds. She cried out in shock.

"Please fuck me," she groaned as I continued to tease her with my finger, sliding in and out slowly.

"Like the filthy Seam slut that you are?" I smirked, plying open her folds so that I could see her heated pink flesh in the dim light.

"Yes, yes, I want your cock inside me," she gasped desperately.

I didn't need to be told twice, and I didn't give her a warning before I thrust home, filling her to the hilt. "Oh!" her voice caught in her throat, and I held on to her hips as I pushed them towards me every time I thrust in roughly, fast and hard.

Her silky walls enveloped me and contracted around me as my fingers gripped her, bruising her skin. Her ragged panting matched the erratic rate of mine, the sound of our sweaty bodies colliding violently against each other flooding the room, mixing in with her urgent cries and my loud groans. Her arms and legs threatened to give out from underneath her, but I held her up gruffly, palming her tits again while my other hand circled her clit. Her walls clenched around me just as my balls tightened, pushing me closer to my orgasm as my movements lost finesse and become even frantic. I threw my head back as my climax hit me like a freight train, her contractions milking the rest of my seed as she shuddered and collapsed on the bed after I pulled out of her.

"I'm not done with you," I warned her.

"What?" she turned around in surprise, and I lay back on the bed beside her.

"Come over here and sit on my face."

Her mouth gaped open, "Wait, you're going to…"

"Yes Katniss, I want you to ride my face, and you better do it before I change my mind," I growled.

She hesitated for a second, but obeyed me as she struggled to sit up and place her thighs around my ears, holding on to the wall behind the bed. "I'm surprised you didn't ask me to suck your dick," she said more to herself than to me.

"I guess I haven't changed much, have I?" I asked before pulling her open with my fingers and swiping my tongue flat against her, cutting off her response.

_She tastes just like you remember._

_Yes, this is what you need._ I lost myself in the tangy taste of her, as exotic and musky as I knew it would be. My tongue darted in and out of her, swirled around her clit quickly before fleeting back out, pumping her with three fingers as I took her nub between my lips and sucked it in. She was shaking now, and I was humming in delight against her flesh, her juices drenching down on my chin, her thin fingers pulling on my hair, hard. I held on to her thigh with one hand while the other continued to pump into her furiously. "Peeta, Peeta, Peeta," she chanted breathlessly, sweet, delightful music to my ears.

"Ride my face," I urged her, and sure enough, soon she was thrusting her hips above me, the hood of her clit bumping with my nose as I licked her faster and harder, my tongue dancing and swirling to the beat.

"Yes, yes, oh fuck yes, Peeta I'm coming," she screamed, her core colliding against my jaw, her hips losing control as she came and I drank her in gleefully, slurping and sucking and lapping up as much as I could before letting her go.

She fell over the bed, gasping and panting. "You taste so fucking good," I told her.

She turned to me in surprise, "That's something the old Peeta would have said," she laughed humorlessly.

"Yeah, well he's gone now, and you're just going to have to deal with what you have."

* * *

_**To be Continued…** _

__


	13. The Rebellion

Katniss had to leave to fight in the rebellion. I stayed behind, knowing that she had no intention of ever saying good-bye to me. I was right. It was simply better this way. The days passed and I paced around wondering about her, training on using the weapons that everyone was required to learn how to use now. Surely somebody would tell me if she died? I didn't have to wonder long, though, for I was released sooner than I expected.

"Coin wants you to join the war," the guards informed me gruffly as they stamped the number  _451_  on the back of my hand.

"Is this the same troop that Katniss is in?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Yes, they recently lost a member of their squad and Coin wants you to replace her," Haymitch grumbled as he led the way towards the conference room, where Coin, Paylor, Plutarch, and some others were waiting.

"So that's why I've been training," I muttered under my breath.

"Well, what did you expect? To lay stay here underground while everyone else is out there fighting? You're not indispensable to them, boy," Haymitch rolled his eyes as we entered the room, two guards walking behind me even though I was no longer in manacles.

"Peeta Mellark, we've been expecting you," Coin smiled icily as soon as she saw me. I held back a shudder. I trusted this woman even less than I trusted most people nowadays, and that said a lot.

"I promised star squad 451 that I would find a speedy replacement for them," Plutarch added.

"The propos need some heating up, and you're just what we need. I have heard from your medics that you have made a speedy recovery. Perhaps this is your perfect opportunity to prove yourself trustworthy, Mr. Mellark," Coin's message was obvious: she was tired of me and wanted me to get the hell out. I didn't need to prove myself to anybody.

"Thank you, President Coin," I managed to say.

After that, I was promptly dismissed and led towards the nearest exit where I was taken to a train station, armed with a gun and proper equipment. I was free. The guards no longer followed me around.

* * *

I got a fucking guard when I arrived anyway. I should be used to it by now, really. Katniss didn't trust me. Finnick obviously didn't trust me. Neither did Johanna. Boggs was the one who had assigned his second in command, Jackson, to set up a constant two-person watch around me, taking my gun away as well. I had gone from being a Capitol prisoner, to a lunatic in District Thirteen, and now to an unstable solider in a war. I couldn't even remember the last time someone  _wasn't_  watching me in some way or another, other than the false freedom I had supposedly gained during the train ride here, though that hardly even counted. I couldn't even take a piss in peace.

"I wouldn't be shooting Peeta," I heard Katniss say, breaking me away from my reverie. "He's gone. Johanna's right. It'd be just like shooting another of the Capitol's mutts." Her comment is so loud and abrasive that I can't help but clench my jaw.  _Fucking mutt._

"Well, that sort of comment isn't recommending you either," Soldier Jackson tells her.

"Put her in the rotation," Boggs called out, and I instantly panicked. The last time Katniss and I had been alone, we had hate-fucked in my hospital room. We were hardly in speaking terms, really.

Jackson shook her head in disapproval, "Midnight to four. You're on with me," she tells her. At least we wouldn't be left to our own devices this time.

As soon as the dinner whistle went off, I watched her run off with Gale. Luckily, I wasn't the only who was glaring at them, or at Katniss, to be specific. We all sat around in a circle, eating our lunch uneasily. I spend the whole day thinking about how much I hate her, and how much I perplexingly want her.

* * *

The threat of the midnight hour scares away any possibility of rest. I don't sleep; I wait. I wait for her to come, and when the brisk autumn wind envelops me and the night turns as dark as my thoughts, she sits across from me, beside the heater. It doesn't provide nearly as much heat as her presence; she's a raging fire to me. I have my sleeping bag tugged up to my chest, my nimble fingers practicing one of Finnick's knots. He has taught me this in attempt to make peace with me, and I had to admit he wasn't half bad. It was Katniss who I couldn't make peace with.

We don't speak, and she doesn't attempt to make conversation. A painful hour trickles by, and when I can no longer stand to be alone with my befuddled mind, I finally break the silence. "These last couple of years must have been exhausting for you. Trying to decide whether to kill me or not. Back and forth. Back and forth."

She hesitated, and I expected her to scowl at me, but she didn't. "I never wanted to kill you. Except when I thought you were helping the Careers kill me. After that, I always thought of you as… an ally."

How odd. "Ally," I tasted the cold, distant word. I may have been confused, but I wasn't stupid. "Friend. Lover. Victor. Enemy. Fiancée. Target. Mutt. Neighbor. Hunter. Tribute. Ally. I'll add it to the list of words I use to try to figure you out." I weaved the rope in and out of my fingers, thinking. "The problem is, I can't tell what's real anymore, and what's made up," I admitted. I didn't know why I was so drawn to Katniss. I didn't know if I wanted to be close to her so that I could kiss her or kill her.

After a few heartbeats, I heard Finnick's voice rising from the darkness. "Then you should ask, Peeta. That's what Annie does." But Annie had Finnick, and I had no one.

"Ask who?" I demanded. "Who can I trust?" Everyone, including me, wanted me dead.

"Well, us for starters. We're your squad," Jackson looked at me and gave me a sincere look, which I didn't fall for.

"You're my guards," I pointed out. That's all I ever had, a bunch of fucking guards, because I could never be trusted, and I could never trust anyone anymore. At least not after what I had been through.

"That, too. But you saved a lot of lives in Thirteen. It's not the kind of thing we forget," she argues.

I thought about that for a minute. Sometimes, I feel this part of me that tries to escape from the dark void of my strangling thoughts and the shiny images. The shiny images are the brightest, and the worst, because they hurt and make me seethe in retaliation. Katniss tearing me to shreds with her claws. Tracker jackers and needles impaling my skin. And everywhere I look, trails of blood trickle from the edge of my vision. But there's also a faint, yet perseverant, piece of me that comes out of nowhere and takes me by surprise more than anything else.  _He_ wants to help everybody, and does it without thinking.  _He's_ the one who burns for Katniss, even when the rest of my body only wants to wring her neck.  _He_ cares, and I don't, and I highly suspect that he's who I used to be, and I hate him for leaving me and not being stronger.

Other times, I wish he was dead.

The silence seeps into my soul, and I suddenly remember something.  _She loves the color green_ , he whispers. There he is. "Your favorite color…it's green?" I ask Katniss to make sure.

"That's right," she confirmed. "And yours is orange."

"Orange?" I frowned. It seemed too bright to me, like the shiny memories.

"Not bright orange. But soft. Like the sunset," she explained. "At least that's what you told me once."

"Oh." If only I could remember that instance. I closed my eyes as I remembered the last sunset I had paid any attention to—the one right after I had been rescued from the Capitol. A sense of familiarity and warmth swept over me. She was right, it was my favorite color, and I regretted not glancing at the sunset today. "Thank you," I whispered. I had one more thing to add to my list of who I was before. The good Peeta inside of me was pleased.

But she wasn't done. "You're a painter. You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. And you always double-knot your shoelaces." She then ran and dove into her tent before I could thank her again, and it was all I could do to not go after her. A knot formed in my throat, and I swallowed it down. I was overwhelmed with emotion.

* * *

I wanted to know everything about myself, about the old Peeta who did good things and still echoed inside of me sometimes. It was my job to make him stronger, and he was more revived than ever before. Jackson had set up a game of "Real or Not Real" for me, in which I would ask question after question about my confusions to everyone around me and they would tell me if they were real or not. It was slow-going and excruciating, but I could feel the old Peeta coming alive. It was my new motivation, and it was worth it.

"Does Katniss like cheese buns?" I asked. That was  _him_  talking of course, since I had no idea where that had come from, and yet I vaguely remembered baking them.

"Yes, cheese buns are my favorite," Katniss blushed. A part of me stirred. I wasn't sure why, but I guess liked the fact that she liked my buns. I grinned, and then went on to the next question.

"What kind of soap did we use in District Twelve, and where did we get it from?" I wanted to know if it smelled like roses, but Gale told me that the merchants bought it a shop in town and was brought from one of the train supplies, while people from the Seam had to make their own. This confused me, because it didn't really answer my question. Did that mean that it  _didn't_  smell like roses, and if so, then why did I have weird and embarrassing memories of using rose-scented shampoo as lube? I supposed I couldn't ask that, could I?

Somehow, this reminded me of something else, "Hey, Katniss what was our math's teacher's name in elementary school? Wasn't it Mr. Seaman?"

She grinned, "Yeah, but no one found it funny back then."

"Plus, his first name was Dick," Gale added, and we all burst out laughing.

I then went on to more serious questions, carefully recollecting them and storing them in my brain for later, as if they were precious lost gems. Anything I could get was valuable to me. I wanted to be my old self again all of a sudden, no matter what it took. Every time that I bent down to re-tie my shoelaces, I made sure to knot them twice.

* * *

The nightmares still came, and there were still memories that frightened me. I watched Pollux, one of the soldiers in our squad, carefully as he ate. I could tell by the way he struggled to push his food to the back of his throat that he didn't have a tongue, and was therefore an Avox. He reminded me of Lavinia and Darius, both of whose deaths I had witnessed beneath the hands of the malevolent Capitol while I had been imprisoned.

"You're an Avox, aren't you?" I finally gathered up the nerve to ask him. "I can tell by the way you swallow. There were two Avoxes with me in prison. Darius and Lavinia, but the guards mostly called them the redheads. They'd been our servants in the Training Center, so they arrested them, too. I watched them being tortured to death. She was lucky. They used too much voltage and her heart stopped right off. It took days to finish him off. Beating, cutting off parts. They kept asking him questions, but he couldn't speak, he just made these horrible animal sounds. They didn't want information, you know? They wanted me to see it." It had been my least favorite experience, and that said more than I could explain.

Yet, they only stared at me, stunned, as if they couldn't believe what I had just said. Had they thought that my memories were a picnic to bear? I couldn't understand why they were so surprised. "Real or not real?" I asked when I heard no response. Silence. I couldn't stand this anymore. "Real or not real," I demanded, tears of anger stinging my eyes.

"Real," Boggs finally intoned. "At least, to the best of my knowledge…real."

I sagged, unclenching my fingers as I exhaled slowly. "I thought so. There was nothing…shiny about it." And with that, I left the group, cursing at my fingers and toes for clenching and unclenching to the point where they went numb. Darius' digits had been the first things that they had cut off.

* * *

I barely knew what was going on when we got our new mission. All I knew was that I was useless to this team. One second, everyone was laughing at something that Mitchell was doing, and the next, Boggs was getting his legs blown off. He had this thing called a Holo that was sort of like a three-dimensional map that could explode if they said the right code. He gave it to Katniss. She was our new leader now.

But then I heard it: the sound of gunfire and black oil gushing out of the ground and the sounds of screaming in the distance…

_Kill her._

_Katniss_

I was back in my mental prison, and when I saw Katniss dragging Boggs through the street, I lost it, and I lunged myself at her, aiming my gun at her skull. I was enraged, hot, pulsing, blood coursing through my veins. I had to kill her before she hurt anyone else.  _Die, die, die, you stinking mutt!_ I almost had her too, until Mitchell tackled me and tried to stop me to defend her of all things, but I was stronger, and much more powerful, than him. He pinned me to the ground and I instantly kicked him in the belly, tossing him away from me.

Mitchell gets caught in a net, and I feel multiple pairs of strong arms holding me back from her, from Katniss the mutt. They drag me inside an empty apartment along with the others, Jackson handcuffing my wrists, but I continue to struggle.  _How dare they protect her? It's her fault, everything is her fault!_

But no one cared about what I thought, because they ended up locking me in a closet, and all of a sudden I felt claustrophobic, kicking at the door, awaiting the torture that was surely to come. This is what happened when I was in the darkness, after all. I would get shut inside a cell, and then they would come for me to torture and rape me and  _Katniss was right outside the door._ She would kill me if I didn't get to her first. I had to get out ICOULDN'TBREATHE.

I kick and kick until I'm out of energy and I can't do it anymore because there isn't enough oxygen in this horrible, confined space. There's not enough air. As always, I pass out.

* * *

I woke up on a blue couch, in a strange house, to the sound of a television broadcast. They mentioned my name. I watched with horror and self-disgust as I appeared on the screen, attacking Katniss and throwing Mitchell into a pod. I was a monster. I was the one who deserved to die, not Katniss or Mitchell. Coverage of peacekeepers burning down an apartment where we were supposedly still hiding was shown, and they pronounced us dead.

"Finally, a bit of luck," said Homes, another member of our squad.

No one took any notice of me as they argued about what they should do next, so I finally spoke up. "Isn't it obvious?" I asked. They all turned to me in shock. My body was sore from my previous struggles, and my knuckles were bleeding from having punched some hard surface. I sat up painfully and directed my gaze towards Gale, who had asked the question. "Our next move…is to kill me."

"Don't be ridiculous," Jackson scoffed.

"I just murdered a member of our squad!" I exclaimed.

"You pushed him off you. You couldn't have known he would trigger the net at that exact spot," Finnick tried to reason.

"Who cares? He's dead, isn't he?" Tears were streaming my down my face now; how many people had I killed? Foxface, Brutus, Mitchell…I was a serial killer. "I didn't know. I've never seen myself like that before. Katniss is right. I'm the monster. I'm the mutt. I'm the one Snow has turned into a weapon!" I cried out.

"It's not your fault, Peeta," Finnick insisted, his face full of pity.

"You can't take me with you. It's only a matter of time before I kill someone else." I was a ticking time bomb, and everyone knew it. I looked around at their conflicted faces, all of them seeming either indecisive or looking sorry for me, the unstable mutt. "Maybe you think it's kinder to just dump me somewhere. Let me take my chances. But that's the same thing as handing me over to the Capitol. Do you think you'd be doing me a favor by sending me back to Snow?" I reasoned. Surely they wouldn't want to send me back to that awful prison? I shuddered at the thought of being tortured and tormented again, never regaining who I was before.

"I'll kill you before that happens," Gale said. "I promise."

I considered that for a minute, and then decided it wasn't enough; he could be lying after all, or he could flake at the very last minute. "It's no good," I said, shaking my head. "What if you're not there to do it? I want one of those poison pills like the rest of you have."

I wanted the nightlock option again. They hadn't given me one in Thirteen, and I suspected it was because Coin was very well aware of my suicidal tendencies. Perhaps she was afraid that this would happen, that I would realize that I was a serial killer and end my own life prematurely. How this was inconvenient to them, or why they would particularly care if I lived or died, was unclear to me. However, I had the slight suspicion that it had to do with Katniss, and that Coin wanted me to kill her just as much as Snow did. I couldn't let that happen.

"It's not about you," Katniss finally decided. "We're on a mission. And you're necessary to it," she lied. She then looked around and asked if there was food.

Half of them went out to look for some while the rest stayed behind to guard me. They came back a few minutes later with cans of food. "Everybody grab a can," Gale said. My hand reached out to take the closest one, and as my eyes landed on the label, I was struck by a memory.

_Lamb stew._

_The cave_

_The kiss_

_The rain_

_Lamb stew is her favorite,_  the good side of me says.

"Here," I say as I hand the can to Katniss, who was about to settle on some cod chowder. Her lips press together as I see the thoughts running through her head, her gray eyes hazy.

"Thanks," she smiles as she pops it open, "It even has dried plums." She uses the lid as a spoon, and all of a sudden it's like we're in the cave all over again. I missed this so much.

I'm trying to remember the last time I had a pastry while eating cream-filled cookies when the television beeps on again. They announced our deaths. President Snow congratulated the peacekeepers for a job well done. Beetee changed the channel to President Coin, where she gave an oh-so-heartfelt eulogy on Katniss. "Dead or alive, Katniss Everdeen will remain the face of the rebellion. If ever you waver in your resolve, think of the Mockingjay, and in her you will find the strength you need to rid Panem of oppressors," she declared.

"I had no idea how much I meant to her," Katniss says sarcastically, making Gale laugh as I hide a smirk.

They showed a highly altered photo of Katniss on the screen, and I rolled my eyes. That wasn't my Katniss. They were a bunch of hypocrites. Coin wanted Katniss dead all along. And she had sent me to do the job for her, but I wouldn't let that happen. I couldn't let them win, not this time.

They had used me enough, taken enough from me already. Katniss would live. It would always be my last dying wish.

* * *

"I'm not going," I adamantly announce when they make plans to go underground. "I'll either disclose your position or hurt someone else."

"Snow's people will find you," Finnick argues.

"Then leave me a pill. I'll take it if I have to," I insist.

"That's not an option. Come along," Jackson says.

"Or you'll what? Shoot me?" I scoff.

"We'll knock you out and drag you with us," Homes tells me. "Which will both slow us down and endanger us."

I clench my jaw. "Stop being noble! I don't care if I die!" I turn to Katniss this time, because surely she must understand my dilemma. "Katniss, please. Don't you see, I want to be out of this?"

She frowns, and I can clearly see that she  _does_  understand. She knows exactly what I'm going through. And yet, she doesn't listen to me. As always, she does what she wants, and doesn't let me go when I tell her to. "We're wasting time," she finally replies, evading the question completely. "Are you coming voluntarily or do we knock you out?"

I bury my face in my hands in desperation. I can't do this anymore. If I hurt someone else, I won't be able to stand it. I have to find a way to kill myself, and soon, before it's too late. I sigh and get up from my seat.

"Should we free his hands?" Leeg 1 asks.

"No!" I growl at her, pressing the handcuffs close to my chest. The pain kept me sane. I had to make sure I died as myself, if nothing else.

"No," Katniss echoes, "But I want the key," she says as Jackson passes it over to her and she slips it into her pocket. I hear the faint sound of the key clicking into something else. I bite my lip, wondering what it is, and why I'm so intrigued, but opt not to ask.

We reach the tunnels a while later. "My brother worked down here after he became an Avox," Castor says, referring to Pollux. I wasn't surprised to hear that Avoxes were the ones forced to tend the sewages. "Took five years before we were able to buy his way up to the ground level. Didn't see the sun once."

I knew what that was like, not seeing the sun. No one else seemed to know what to say, though, so I finally turned to Pollux. "Well, then you just became our most valuable asset," I grinned, and Castor laughed as Pollux managed a small smile. It felt good to make others laugh again. I almost felt like my old self.

I sighed, sadly. Maybe one day I would be the normal Peeta Mellark that I used to be, but I knew that that was impossible. I would never be the same again, not really. I may not even survive through this. I trudged along behind the others, Pollux leading us through the vast web of tunnels, just as I had predicted.

Six hours pass, and by then we're all exhausted. Pollux leads into a room full of machinery, indicating to us with his fingers that we have four hours before we have to leave the room. I instantly crash on the floor in exhaustion, not even bothering to find out who takes the first watch.

It feels like only minutes have passed before I feel Katniss stirring beneath me, my head resting on her feet. I was wide awake now. I could hear her and Pollux playing with the Holo. Pollux couldn't sleep here for obvious reasons, and I was suddenly reminded of the prison cell that I had been kept in. It had the same shade of darkness as the tunnels. I pressed my wrists harder against the handcuffs, reminding myself of who I was so that I wouldn't go under again. I was afraid of dark Peeta. Good Peeta was coming back after having been drowned for so long, and I wanted to keep him. I needed him to stay. He loved Katniss.  _ **I**_ loved Katniss.

"Have you eaten?" Katniss asked when she noticed that I was awake. I shook my head no; my stomach felt as hollow as my chest. She handed me an open can of chicken and rice soup, keeping the lid so that I had to drink it. I sat up and swallowed everything down quickly without even bothering to chew. Katniss was watching me, a thoughtful expression on her face. "Peeta, when you asked about what happened to Darius and Lavinia, and Boggs told you it was real, you said you thought so. Because there was nothing shiny about it. What did you mean?" she asked.

"Oh. I don't know exactly how to explain it," I admitted. "In the beginning, everything was just complete confusion. Now I can sort certain things out. I think there's a pattern emerging. The memories they altered with the tracker jacker venom have this strange quality about them. Like they're too intense or the images aren't stable. You remember what it was like when we were stung?" I asked her, remembering how the hallucinations produced shiny, warped images in our heads.

"Trees shattered. There were giant colored butterflies. I fell in a pit of orange bubbles." She seemed to ponder what she had just said, "Shiny orange bubbles."

"Right. But nothing about Darius or Lavinia was like that. I don't think they'd given me any venom yet," I told her, remembering that they had saved the worst torture method for last.

"Well, that's good, isn't it?"She asked. "If you can separate the two, then you can figure out what's true."

I nodded, "Yes. And if I could grow wings, I could fly. Only people can't grow wings," I said, remembering a particularly bad nightmare of a winged Katniss mutt attacking me from above. "Real or not real?"

"Real," she says. "But people don't need wings to survive."

"Mockingjays do," I said thoughtfully, finishing my soup. Katniss was a Mockingjay in need of freedom. She needed to survive and rise above it all. She was more than just a symbol for the rebellion. And I had seen this in her all along. I handed her back the can.

"There's still time. You should sleep," she suggested when she noted the tired look on my face. I lay back down without resisting, but no longer able to find sleep. I stared at the needle on one of the dials move from side to side like a pendulum. I was too tired to rest.

Suddenly, I felt thin, frail fingers thread through my hair, and I froze. But then I realized it was just Katniss, so I stayed put, trying to remind myself that she wouldn't hurt me. She gently smoothed back my hair, and it was the best feeling in the world. It felt so soothing, and I hadn't felt so loved in so long.

"You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real," I whispered.

"Real," she answered softly. "Because that's what you and I do. Protect each other."

I closed my eyes then, knowing that I was safe.

* * *

 _Katniss, Katniss, Katniss,_  the name was being chanted over and over again. It fell out of my lips. They were calling me. I had to kill her, I had to…

"Katniss!" I cried out as I finally jerked awake, knowing that she was there. "Katniss! Get out of here!"

But she was hesitating. "Why? What's making that sound?" she asked, unsure.

"I don't know. Only that it has to kill you," I said urgently. I could still hear the raspy voices, chanting, beckoning, but I was trying to block them out. "Run! Get out! Go!" I yelled, just like the time that I had told her to run after she was stung by tracker jackers in the first arena.

It's then that I realize that she's aiming an arrow at me, for she lowers it. She had been planning to kill me, and I had stopped her. I shouldn't have stopped her. I should have stayed sleeping. I could have been dead now, and I had ruined it. "Whatever it is, it's after me. It might be a good time to split up," she tells the others.

"But we're your guard," Jackson protests.

"And your crew," Cressida says, referring to their cameras.

"I'm not leaving you," Gale insists.

Katniss looks around and arms the camera crew, taking my gun and loading it, then handing it to Pollux. I know I don't need it. The less armed I am, the better. Once everyone else has a weapon, we leave the room. We can hear the mutts hissing in the distance, and I can hear their dark voices in my head. We walk for about three blocks when a familiar set of screams reach my ears. Thick, guttural, sounds that I know only too well.

"Avoxes." I said immediately. "That's what Darius sounded like when they tortured him." I remembered him screaming in pain as they electrified him, over and over again, his skin charring and burning. I remembered the smell. I remembered the screams, and the sounds of flesh hitting the ground. I remembered everything.

"The mutts must have found them," Cressida said.

"So they're not just after Katniss," Leeg 1 said.

"They'll probably kill anyone. It's just that they won't stop until they get to her," Gale pointed out. I had no doubt that he was right.

"Let me go on alone. Lead them off. I'll transfer the Holo to Jackson. The rest of you can finish the mission," Katniss orders. Everyone else starts arguing, but I'm no longer listening. I can hear her name getting closer and closer, and I suddenly know that the hisses are no longer just in my head.

"Listen," I whispered, interrupting their dispute.

" _Katniss._ " It echoes through the walls, and the smell of roses pervades the air as Katniss begins gagging. She hates the smell of roses.

"Masks on!" Jackson shouts, but we're all breathing the same air, and no one else is gagging.

She moves on and orders us to stay with her, until we run into something labeled MEAT GRINDER. She and Gale are shooting their explosive arrows at the pods, until Finnick stops her. I'm the one who sees it first. A shaft of golden light falls from the ceiling, where Messalla is held captive by the beam, his skin melting slowly. His mouth stretched into a silent scream. "Can't help him!" I tell the others as I shove them forward. But they're all frozen, and I have to keep pushing them. "Can't!" I repeat, making them run.

It's not long before we hear firing behind us, and we see them. The mutts. White, four-limbed, naked lizard-like creatures the size of humans, surround dead and wounded Peacekeepers, ripping off their heads with their sharp teeth. Once they're done with that, they chase us, crawling on all fours.

"This way!" Katniss shouts as we start running. The next few minutes are full of fear and frenzy as we try to get away from the mutts and find the quickest way aboveground, but the foul creatures reach for Katniss even when it causes them to fall into the sewer. People fall behind. I lose sight of my surroundings, only knowing that I'm still alive.

We find a ladder and climb up unto the next platform. Katniss panics when she realizes that Finnick is gone, but Gale forces her to continue. She shines the light from Cressida's gun so that we can see three mutts tearing at Finnick as he struggles to climb the ladder. The look on Katniss' face says it all. He's dead, and memories that don't belong to me swirl through my head. The salty smell of the sea, Annie's shy smile, boats floating on water, a trident sparkling in the moonlight, a sunset painting the ocean red. Then it's over.

"Nightlock, nightlock, nightlock," Katniss chokes out into the Holo as she detonates it and releases it, an explosion shooting down from underneath us. Human and mutt flesh shower over us. Pollux takes a lid and covers the pipe with a clank. "We can't stop here," Katniss says as she realizes that Pollux, Gale, Cressida, and me are the only others left.

Only I can't do this anymore.  _This is it,_  I think as I lean back against the wall. It's not fair that Finnick is dead. I should be dead. I could hurt someone else, and there's barely anyone left. I had witnessed enough deaths for one day. I just wanted it to be over. "Peeta," Katniss says as she pulls my cuffed hands away from my face. "Peeta?" she asks as I struggle to hold on.

_Kill her_

_I can't_

_Do it, she's a mutt_

_I'm a monster_

_Katniss, Katniss, Katniss_

The voices wouldn't stop. "Leave me," I whispered. "I can't hold on." I didn't want to hurt her.

"Yes. You can!" she said fiercely.

I shook my head. "I'm losing it. I'll go mad. Like them." The mutts. I was just like them, really. I wanted to rip her throat too. I wanted to remember who I was. I wanted to love her. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to die as myself. But I should be used to not getting what I wanted by now.

It's then that she takes me by surprise. She leans in and kisses me full on the mouth, and my entire body reacts to her touch, convulsing with the overwhelming taste of her lips.  _Kill her kill her kill her kill her_

_**Kiss her** _

Her lips remained firmly pressed against mine, loosening them as she pulled me down hard. Her hips collided against me. I was drowning in love, I needed some air. She released me, and our breaths mixed together. Her hands came down to clasp my wrists. "Don't let him take you away from me," she's so fierce, so adamant, so full of fire, that I know I can't deny her.

But I can't do it. I pant hard, trying to fight my raging thoughts, my overpowering will to kill her despite everything. "No. I don't want to…"

She clenches my hands to the point of pain, and I can feel small drops of blood trickling down my wrists. The pain. It kept me sane. "Stay with me." She says.

I had heard this before.

"Always," I murmured.

* * *

_**To be continued** _


	14. The Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're down to the last two chapters of this story, so I'm going to try to finish them quick because I'm going to start working on some new stories after this. I know I've been slacking on my updating lately, but that's fairly typical of me, haha. Just know that in a week or two you will be spammed with new stories that I will dedicate to some challenges. Enjoy!

 

Cressida ended up leading us to a strange furry underwear shop run by a feline-looking woman named Tigris. She was by far the oddest, most surgically-altered person I’d ever seen, but she seemed nice enough, as she agreed to help us when Cressida mentioned that she was one of Plutarch’s allies. It turned out that this Tigris person had a hideout at the back of one of the walls, and we crawled into the space and descended the stone steps.  Once we were all inside the cellar, Tigris closed the panel behind her and left us hidden in the confined space stored with old pelts.

Gale had been bleeding from a neck wound, and as Cressida and Pollux made beds from the furs, Katniss stitched him up as best as she could, and once he was out, she came to me. She took my handcuffed wrists gently in her cool hands and rinsed away the blood, bandaging them afterwards. I had insisted earlier to keep the cuffs on when she offered to remove them for me, because the pain kept me focused. Watching Katniss acting as a healer brought back memories of her in a cave, tending to my now missing leg. “You’ve got to keep them clean, because otherwise the infection could spread and—”

“I know what blood poisoning is, Katniss,” I rolled my eyes, feeling an odd sense of déjà vu. “Even if my mother isn’t a healer.”

She seemed taken aback by this, “You said the same thing to me in the first Hunger Games. Real or not real?” she asked.

“Real,” I confirmed. “And you risked your life getting the medicine that saved me?” I asked, remembering more now.

“Real,” she shrugged casually. “You were the reason I was alive to do it.”

“Was I?” I was thrown off by her comment, unsure of what she meant. Was she saying that I had saved her, and if so, how? When?  But as I struggled to remember, another memory jolted me, and this one was shiny and violent. I saw Katniss throwing a tracker jacker nest at my head, her evil grin revealing all of her pointy, bloody fangs as I ran away from her, terrified. I had joined the Careers to help her, and this is how she had tried to repay me, that _murderous mutt—_

 _NO!_  I began to shake as I fought off the memory, my wrists straining against the handcuffs as they struggled to stay away from her neck. _Not real, not real, not real,_ I chanted in my head, using the mantra to shove away the false images. Once the shiny memory was gone, all of the energy was drained from my body, and just like that, I was back. I felt like I had fought a thousand battles and yet lost them all. “I’m so tired, Katniss,” I whimpered, swallowing back the knot that was building up in my throat.

“Go to sleep,” she told me, but I refused to listen until she shackled me to one of the stair supports, with my arms restrained painfully above my head. It was awfully uncomfortable, but it was better this way. I didn’t want to hurt her with the monster I was not. If I couldn’t be of any help—which I wasn’t, obviously—then I could at least not be another obstacle. It was all I could offer, and for once I just wanted to get something right, _goddamn it._ Everything hurt so fucking much, the concrete stairs digging in my spine, the blood trickling from my wrists, the numbness building in my arms from being held up. But it was nothing compared to what I had to endure when I was under the torturing of the Capitol. No, this was heaven compared to that, and I was grateful for it. But the war that raged on inside me had worn down my soul until there was hardly anything left to hold on to. I was so tired. I wanted to sleep forever and never wake up.

So I drifted off and tried.

* * *

 

When everyone awoke, Katniss confessed to us that she had lied about the mission and jeopardized all of our lives in the process, saying that Coin hadn’t really sent her to kill Snow, but that that had been her plan all along. We stared at her for a few seconds, trying to figure out the point of her confession, until it became clear that she had actually felt guilty about something that had always been so blatantly obvious, and that everyone already knew. She had no idea, the effect that she had.

Gale and Cressida instantly started trying to convince her that everyone had been well aware of what they had gotten themselves into, and that the mission hadn’t been a complete failure. Plutarch was pleased and the Capitol’s defenses had been broken. But Katniss was still not convinced that everything wasn’t her fault. “What do you think, Peeta?” she suddenly asked me.

“I think…you still have no idea. The effect you can have.” I said as I slid my cuffs up and pulled myself upright. “None of the people we lost were idiots. They knew what they were doing. They followed you because they believed you really could kill Snow.” _And I believe it too._

Katniss nodded and took out a map as she began planning. My voice seemed to have reached her ears when no one else’s voice could, and I wasn’t sure what to make of that, but it made me feel warm inside. I held back a smile. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, thinking that she trusted me, but still. I realized then that I could still hope.

“What we need is to get him out in the open,” Gale said, referring to Snow. “Then one of us could pick him off.”

“Does he ever appear in public anymore?” I asked. I highly doubted that Snow would be that careless. If anything, he was probably more heavily guarded now than ever. His government was falling apart right before his very eyes. He must be terrified. The thought appeased me.

“I don’t think so,” Cressida replied. “At least in all the recent speeches I’ve seen, he’s been in the mansion. Even before the rebels got here. I imagine he became more vigilant after Finnick aired his crimes.”

“I bet he’d come out for me,” Katniss said. “If I were captured. He’d want that as public as possible. He’d want my execution on his front steps.” She paused as she let this sink in. Of course Katniss would come up with such a plan. “Then Gale could shoot him from the audience.”

This was insane. “No,” I shook my head. “There are too many alternative endings to that plan. Snow might decide to keep you and torture information out of you. Or have you executed publicly without being present. Or kill you inside the mansion and display your body out front.” The possibilities were endless, and there was no way I was going to agree to this plan.

“Gale?” she asked.

“It seems like an extreme solution to jump to immediately. Maybe if all else fails. Let’s keep thinking,” he suggested.

We sat there in silence until Tigris called us up to eat, her gravelly voice reaching our ears for the first time. She even sounded like a cat; I could’ve sworn I’d heard her purr. We ate moldy cheese since Tigris obviously only ate raw meat, and we watched the news coverage of how dangerous we were. Katniss seemed pleased that no one knew about our hideout yet. In the end, we decided that we could no longer stay together as a group and we must try to infiltrate the mansion before Katniss gave herself up. I shuddered at the thought.

Katniss changed our bandages and then handcuffed me back to the stair support for the night. Gale came to me after a while to offer me some water while everyone else was sleep. My throat had been dry and sore, and I was grateful for the offer. “Thanks for the water,” I said.

“No problem,” he replied. “I wake up ten times a night anyway.”

“To make sure Katniss is still here?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Something like that,” he admitted bashfully, and I wondered if he still loved her. Well, of course he did, but did I? Did it even matter what either of us felt about her? I thought back to what Tigris had said about her during dinner. Katniss had joked that Coin probably had no idea what to do with her now that she knew that she was still alive, and Tigris had pointed out that no one ever really knew what to do with her. She’d been right.

“That was funny, what Tigris said. About no one knowing what to do with her,” I told Gale, grinning.

“Well, _we_ never have,” he snorted.

We laughed at this as if we were old friends sharing an inside joke. It actually made it even funnier. Gale and I had never exactly been friends, but then again, we hadn’t exactly ever been enemies, either. We had Katniss in common. The only difference was that he probably had a chance with her, and I had fooled myself into thinking that I had one too. “She loves you, you know,” I said, looking at him. “She as good as told me after they whipped you.” I remembered that because it hadn’t been replaced by one of the shiny memories, and it was one of my most painful moments. I remembered it as clearly as the words my mother had spat at me as a child and the way she had raised her hand at me to slap me, but this one was even more painful. This one had stabbed at my heart.

“Don’t believe it,” he said. “The way she kissed you in the Quarter Quell...well, she never kissed me like that,” he pointed out, as if we were competing on who suffered more because of Katniss.

“It was just part of the show,” I assured him, though I was no longer sure about this. There were too many vivid, intense moments between us that had seemed real. I almost burned at the memory.

“No, you won her over,” he argued. “Gave up everything for her. Maybe that’s the only way to convince her you love her,” he added thoughtfully. I considered this. If that was what it took, then I hoped I had convinced her, because I was no longer sure of it myself. I had lost everything, even my memories, for her love. And for what? I had nothing left to give her now. “I should have volunteered to take your place in the first Games. Protected her then,” Gale said after a while.

“You couldn’t,” I pointed out. “She’d never have forgiven you. You had to take care of her family. They matter more to her than her life.” Perhaps it was Katniss’s selflessness that had drawn me to her.

“Well it won’t be an issue much longer. I think it’s unlikely all three of us will be alive at the end of the war. And if we are, I guess it’s Katniss’s problem. Who to choose,” he yawned. “We should get some sleep.”

“Yeah,” I said as I settled down. “I wonder how she’ll make up her mind.”

“Oh, that I do know,” he said, his voice muffled by the fur coats he had buried himself under. “Katniss will choose whoever she thinks she can’t survive without.” And with that, he dozed off.

I frowned. Well, way to drop a bomb, Gale. Now I was the one who couldn’t sleep. Did this mean that he was sure that Katniss wouldn’t choose based on whom she loved the most? Sure, Katniss’s entire life had been based on survival, but well, that wasn’t her fault. And if it was really about survival, then Gale was by far the best candidate; he was her hunting partner, after all. I had never been anything special before I was hijacked. I wasn’t a hero, a hunter, or a victor. I was only alive because of Katniss. Back then, I was only a man in love. Now I wasn’t even that. Now I was broken, my memories tattered and shattered, my love corrupted by the torture I was put through. I was unstable and useless. I was a horrible monster and a threat for loving a girl one second and trying to kill her in the next. No, she didn’t need me to survive, but then again, she never needed anybody. She had made that very clear all along.

As always, she was better off without me and my burdens.

* * *

 

“People have gone wild,” Cressida murmured as we watched some news coverage of a guy with bleached blonde hair getting beaten up for supposedly looking like me. He looked nothing like me, actually.

Gale and Katniss decided that I needed to stay away from the rest of the group for everyone else’s safety, and I agreed. I was unpredictable and it wasn’t like I could be of any use. But I couldn’t just stay in Tigris’s cellar either, because she would need to house guests soon, considering the amount of refugees outside. “I’ll just go out on my own,” I announced.

“To do what?” Cressida asked.

“I’m not sure exactly,” I admitted. The one thing that I might still be useful at is causing a diversion. You saw what happened to that man who looked like me.”

“What if you…lose control?” Katniss asked worriedly.

“You mean…go mutt? Well, if I feel that coming on, I’ll try to get back here,” I assured her.

“And if Snow gets you again?” Gale asked. “You don’t even have a gun.”

“I’ll just have to take my chances. Like the rest of you.” I said as Gale and I shared a look. He then sighed and reached into his breast pocket, placing a nightlock pill on my open palm. “What about you?” I asked him.

“Don’t worry. Beetee showed me how to detonate my explosive arrows by hand. If that fails, I’ve got my knife. And I’ll have Katniss,” he smiled. “She won’t give them the satisfaction of taking me alive.”

Of course, she and Gale had each other, and as always, I had no one. “Take it, Peeta,” Katniss insisted as she closed my fingers around the tablet, her voice strained, her eyes filled with pain and worry. “No one will be there to help you.” As if I needed reminding. It suddenly dawned upon me that this was my way out. I could finally take my own my life and sleep forever, like I wanted to. But the nightlock pill terrified me, and I scorned my instinct to survive despite my lack of will to live. I remembered holding the nightlock berries in the first Hunger Games, and my fear of dying even when I was sure that I wanted to sacrifice myself for her. How many times would I approach the threat of death before it finally took me?

We slept fitfully that night, and I struggled with gory, morbid, nightmares during most of it. When morning finally came around, we ate the rest of our cans and left one of salmon for Tigris, whose features turned into what I supposed was a smile. She then instantly began to remake our outfits, giving us wigs and makeup, redressing us in cloaks and coats, giving us furry slippers and handbags to carry so that we resembled refugees.  _We looked fabulous._ “Never underestimate the power of a brilliant stylist,” I said cheerfully as I modeled in front of a mirror. Tigris seemed to blush at the compliment, and I grinned.

We split up into three groups: Cressida and Pollux leading as guides, Gale and Katniss following the refugees assigned to the mansion, and I trailing behind in case anything wrong and they needed a distraction. “Take care,” Cressida said as Tigris unbolted door and she left with Pollux.

Katniss unlocked my handcuffs, stuffing the key back in her pocket as I rubbed and flexed my sore wrists. It was a relief to be free of them, and yet a curse. Now I needed to keep myself in check without their help. I swallowed, remembering the nightlock pill tucked into my pocket. “Listen,” Katniss began, “Don’t do anything foolish.” She had echoed my words from the Quarter Quell, before we became separated and I became a prisoner.

“No. It’s last-resort stuff. Completely.” I said.

To my surprise, she leaned in and wrapped her arms around my neck, and after a second, I lifted my arms to embrace her back, afraid that I would suddenly go mutt and try to hurt her again. But she felt so warm and soft against my body. A flood of memories surged through me, all of them with her in my arms, and I held back tears, nuzzling my chin into her shoulder, feeling her braid tickling my cheek. “All right, then,” she said as she let go before I could find her scent beneath the layers of fur she was wearing.

“It’s time,” Tigris said. Katniss kissed her cheek, pulled up her red cloak, hid her face beneath her scarf, and followed Gale out into the cold.

Now I was alone.

* * *

 

I remembered the cold. The madness and the throng of people and the rebels shooting. I lost sight of Katniss, but I saw the parachutes go off. I was burned in the explosions, just like everyone else. But I survived. The same, however, could not have been said about Prim. Poor, sweet, innocent Prim, the only person who Katniss was sure she loved was now gone. And there was word out there that it had been Gale’s bomb, but I wasn’t so sure of that. Either way, it couldn’t have been on purpose.

“What’s this?” Katniss demanded when she reached the meeting room where all of the remaining victors were assembled.

“We’re not sure,” Haymitch shrugged. “It appears to be a gathering of the remaining victors.”

“We’re all that’s left?” she asked, and I realized then that this was the first time I saw her since we were separated at Tigris’s. Her burn scars matched with mine. Suddenly the girl on fire didn’t sound like such a great name. All of her flames had been extinguished, leaving their damage behind as proof of their past presence. _I was on fire too_ , I thought.

“The price of celebrity,” replied Beetee. “We were targeted from both sides. The Capitol killed the victors they suspected of being rebels. The rebels killed those thought to be allied with the Capitol.” Johanna then scowled at Enobaria, complaining about her still being alive and threatening to kill her.

“Sit down, please, Katniss,” Coin said as she closed the door behind her. She got straight to the point, announcing that Snow would be executed today. Katniss’s gaze met mine, a glass of water holding a white rose sitting in front of her. She had been talking to Snow. My eyes flitted away, as they had done whenever I saw her at school. Only now I was intimidated by her for completely different reasons. And yet still I couldn’t think of a way to talk to her again after everything that had happened.

“What?” asked Johanna in response to something that Coin had said, and I realized I should have been paying attention.

“We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children,” Coin repeated herself.

I gaped. “Are you joking?” I asked. What the fuck was wrong with this woman?  Hadn’t there been enough damage and suffering already?

“No. I should also tell you that if we do hold the Games, it will be known it was done with your approval, although the individual breakdown of your votes will be kept secret for your own security.” She informed us.

“Was this Plutarch’s idea?” asked Haymitch.

“It was mine,” Coin replied. “It seemed to balance the need for vengeance with the least loss of life. You may cast your votes.”

“NO!” I burst out, rage running through my veins. “I vote no, of course! We can’t have another Hunger Games!” What the actual fuck was wrong with these people? I didn’t wish _any_ of what I had been through to anybody else. No human being deserved to suffer and be humiliated and used the way we had been. _This can never happen again._

“Why not?” Johanna retorted. “It seems very fair to me. Snow even has a granddaughter. I vote yes,” she said calmly as I stared at her in horror, my heart pounding loudly to my ears, slamming against my chest.

“So do I,” said Enobaria indifferently. “Let them have a taste of their own medicine.”

And they said I was the monster. “This is why we rebelled! Remember?” I cried out desperately, hoping that someone would hear me out. I could hardly breathe right, the desperation and fury threatening to choke me. “Annie?” I pleaded.

“I vote no with Peeta,” she said, to my relief. “So would Finnick if he were here.”

“But he isn’t, because Snow’s mutts killed him,” Johanna reminded her, and it was all I could do not to strangle her.

“No,” Beetee voted, and I began to relax. Maybe Johanna, Coin, and Enobaria, were the only psychopaths in this room. “It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point, unity is essential for our survival. No,” he repeated, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, someone who was actually rational and had an ounce of empathy for humanity.

“We’re down to Katniss and Haymitch,” said Coin.

Everything went silent as we watched Katniss turn this in her head. She stared at the rose in front of her then said, “I vote yes…for Prim.” I stopped breathing. She was gone. My selfless, caring, Katniss who would do anything to live and ensure the safety of others before her own was gone. They had broken her. And I hated them for it.

“Haymitch, it’s up to you,” said Coin, and it was then that my anger consumed me. I screamed and yelled at Haymitch, telling him what an atrocity this was. Surely he could still see some sense? I begged him, hoping against hope that there was still hope for humanity. But as I did this, he only watched Katniss in thought. He didn’t listen.

“I’m with the Mockingjay,” he said, and I gave up. All hope was lost. It was all I was fucking good for, hoping. And I always lost. I held back tears of anger, clenching my fists. My biggest fault was being so human.

”Excellent. That carries the vote,” said Coin cheerfully. “Now we really must take our places for the execution.” Couldn’t they see that this woman was even worse than Snow? We had gone from evil dictator to merciless demon.

“Can you see that Snow’s wearing this? Just over his heart?” Katniss asked her as she handed her the white rose.

Coin smiled. “Of course. And I’ll make sure he knows about the Games.”

“Thank you,” Katniss said softly, the same way she had said thank you to Snow after he had congratulated her for winning the first Games.

We were then lead outside into the swarm of people, where people cheered when they saw Coin and went insane when they saw Snow. He was standing in the narrow terrace in front of the mansion, only ten yards away from Katniss and her deathly bow. But as I saw her aiming at Snow and watching him carefully, she suddenly shifted her arrow up and let go, President Coin falling over the balcony seconds later. There was a pause before chaos ensued, and I knew then that my girl on fire was still there.

She had fooled us all, and for once, I was proud of this. But that only lasted until I realized that there would be consequences. I ran up to her as fast as I could, barely making it before she ripped into the pill in her sleeve, sinking her teeth into my scarred hand instead. Her gray eyes met mine as blood dripped from the bite. “Let me go!” she snarled, fighting my firm grasp.

“I can’t,” I said, tearing the pocket from her sleeve as they pulled me away from her, letting the purple pill fall into the ground and be stepped on by the guard. She instantly lost it, screeching and fighting and biting at anyone near her, like a wild, unleashed animal. She started screaming Gale’s name, but I knew he wouldn’t listen. She hadn’t killed him when he had called hers, after all. I didn’t know what to make of their friendship anymore, but I was relieved that she was alive. They would have to let her go eventually.

No one ever knew what to do with her, after all.

* * *

 

Unlike Katniss, I willingly worked with Dr. Aurelius until he released me. The first thing I decided to do when I arrived to District Twelve was plant primroses in Katniss’s garden. I wanted to contribute to the cherishing of Prim’s memory, knowing that Katniss would appreciate it.

“You’re back,” she said as soon as saw me digging at the ground beneath her windows.

“Dr. Aurelius wouldn’t let me leave the Capitol until yesterday,” I said. “By the way, he said to tell you he can’t keep pretending he’s treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone.”

We studied each other then, and I frowned sadly at the sight of her. Her hair was matted into clumps, her eyes were dark and hollowed and her skin was pale and sinking into her thin, scarred frame. My wounded Mockingjay. I wanted to take it all away, but I knew that I wasn’t in a position to do it yet. But I had changed for her, and I wanted a chance to start all over.

“I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her,” I said, knowing that she knew who I was referring to. “I thought we could plant them along the side of the house.”

She glared at the roses at first, until it finally sank in. She nodded her approval, and then ran back into the house, locking the door firmly behind her. I knew I wouldn’t see her again for a while.

* * *

 

We grew back together. Katniss started a memory book, and the longer we worked on it, the closer we became. Eventually I realized that the love I felt for her before was nothing compared to the way I loved her now. Back then, she had been an unreachable crush, a perfect idealism of who I thought she was.  She was an undistinguishable flame. But I saw her clearly now. Her flaws, her scars, her tears, her fears, her stubbornness. And I wanted them all. I was no longer blinded. The longer I loved her, the more beautiful she became. And on the night she let me in her bed again to comfort her, I knew that this was meant to be. That I finally had something to offer her, and it was, of all things, hope, because I was a man in love again, truly in love. She felt right in my arms. My lips molded perfectly against hers, and we fell in synchronicity when our bodies united. This time, we had each other to satiate our hunger, and I was there to quench her flames, and she to fuel my fire. When I made her mine, it wasn’t out of lust or frustration or desperation. I was hers, and she was mine, and anything else was unthinkable.  I loved her better now. And as our bodies collapsed in the midst of our love, I asked: “You love me. Real or not real?”

And she said, “Real.”

**_ To be continued in the epilogue _ **

**__ **

 

 

 

 


	15. The Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know it's been a while, but I've been working on some one-shots, as many of you may have seen. The Prompts in Panem challenge is one of my favorites and I couldn't miss it. Sorry I've had you guys waiting long enough for the finale, but here it is! Enjoy.

 

* * *

_**Five** _

It was a hot summer day when she finally said yes. I didn't expect it. I didn't see it coming any time soon, but I had been holding on to the hope of the  _someday_  that she had given me the day of our toasting. It was more than I could ever ask for.

"Good morning, Mrs. Mellark," I said as the sunlight streamed in from the open window.

She looked up at me from where she was resting her head on my bare chest, "I love the way you say that," she smiled.

"Good morning?"

"Yes." She pecked my cheek affectionately. "How you always remind me that we're married. That I'm yours."

I chuckled. "I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing you like this. Lying here in arms. Naked. Every morning." I ran my fingertips through the long, loose tendrils of her dark, silky hair.

She snorted. "I'm not naked  _every_ morning. That would be exhausting."

I sneaked my hand beneath the sheet and cupped her bare ass. "Almost."

"You horn dog."

I smirked. "Oh yeah? Who's the one rubbing on my cock with her thigh right now?" Getting her to sleep with me was either than breathing nowadays. Gone were my early days of endless sexual frustration, when she allowed me to sleep in her bed but not actually  _sleep_ with her.

She blushed as she glanced down and realized that I was already hard and aching for her. I lifted her chin so that our eyes made contact. "I want you. Always." I could almost feel my pupils dilating at the sight of her.

She bit her lip. "Peeta, I've been thinking…"

"About what?"

"I don't want to take those pills anymore."

"You want to try the shot instead? I thought you hated needles."

She shook her head. "No. I don't want to use anything."

I frowned. "Um. Well, do you want  _me_ to use something? Because I will if that's what you need me to…"

This time, she cut me off with a kiss. I kissed her back eagerly, although I was still perplexed. Did she want us to go back to using condoms? I thought we had moved past that, but I wasn't sure anymore. I was about to ask her that when we ended our kiss. "Katniss…"

"Shh, stop. Just listen, okay? I don't want  _either_ of us to take anything. Or get those weird Capitol operations. I want us to stop using protection for a while." She gazed at me with her silver eyes as it suddenly dawned upon me that this might be her subtle way of saying  _yes._

"You want us to try for a baby?"

She nodded. "I want to have your children, Peeta."

My heart beat fast as my brain struggled to fully process her words. I couldn't believe it. "Are you sure? I mean, just because  _I_ want it, doesn't mean…"

"I'm not afraid anymore, Peeta," she cut me off. "Or at least not as afraid as I used to be. I feel safe here with you. And I know that you'll be a great father and that you'll keep them safe too."

"I love you so much, Katniss," I gasped out as I knotted her fingers through mine and kissed her knuckles devotedly.

"I love you too, Peeta."

"I want this for us. I've never met anyone who could love as fiercely as you, Katniss. You've protected me as much as I've protected you. And I'm willing to share that. You'll be the best mother," I said, tears stinging my eyes.

I leaned towards her and kissed her passionately, and she moaned into my mouth as I tangled my fingers in her hair. I was overwhelmed with raw emotion, our lips clashing and molding in the same desperate yet eager frenzy they had used when we first started being intimate. I wanted to get started right away. I wanted to make love to her again and again. "Peeta…" she whimpered when I slipped a finger into her moist, warm folds.

"Are you on the pill now?"

"No. I ran out a few days ago. That's why I knew I had to tell you soon."

I gasped. "You've been trying to get pregnant and you didn't tell me?"

She blushed. "Not necessarily…I just stopped worrying about it, I guess."

"Well, I guess we can start trying for  _real_ now."

She raised an eyebrow and laughed as I kissed her again, reveling in the feeling of her lips against mine, my tongue stroking hers. She fisted her hands in my hair, our breaths mixing together as we inhaled and exhaled in unison. I trailed my mouth down to her neck, kissing and nibbling the delicate skin above her pulse point until she arched her spine and threw her head back so that I could gain better access. I palmed her breast with one hand as the other one cupped the side of her face while I continued to ravish her neck. Her nails scraped my back lightly as I pinched her nipple and grasped her mound firmly, kneading it just the way she liked it. I bent down and latched the other one into my mouth, sucking on the pebbled tip eagerly. She gasped and whimpered at my ministrations. I looked up at her and kissed her lips again, continuing to worship her body with my hands.

She reached down and stroked my cock beneath the covers, and I hissed against her lips. My hips thrust into her hand as she circled the tip of my length, spreading the pre-cum all around the rest of it. I moaned and bit the inside of cheek as my dick twitched. "Slow down," I warned her as she began pumping me rapidly.

She let go of me and then traced my chest with her callused hands instead, drawing patterns across it as she curled her fist into the short, springy blonde curls on it. I dipped my hand down in between the apex of her thighs to find her clit. I rubbed the tender flesh in tight circles, using my other hand to slip my fingers inside her, beckoning her until she came. Her walls closed in around my fingers, and she pushed my hand away impatiently as she flipped us over so that she was on top.

She kissed my lips desperately, her tongue battling with mine until she made her way down to my neck, sucking on it like I did with hers and then trailing down to my chest with rapid kisses, tugging my nipple into her mouth as she watched my reaction. I winced at the feeling of pleasure-pain as her warm lips enveloped me and then sucked me in to graze my rigid nipple with her teeth.

I gasped as she continued her fevered trek south, her hands scattering treacherously over the hair above my hips, her mouth breathing down on my hot and throbbing erection before finally taking it into her moist mouth. She flicked at the glans experimentally at first, her silver eyes turning dark as she watched me lecherously, her thin fingers tugging and twisting up and down my shaft. I pulled her hair aside to watch her glide up and down my length, her eyes wide but her mouth even wider. It was fascinating, seeing my cock appear and disappear from inside of her mouth like a salacious magic act.  _Goddamn._

I threw my head back, banging it on the headboard with soft thud. "Fuck, Katniss, I need to be inside of you," I growled.

She made one last, seductive lick to the underside of my shaft before removing her mouth, then leering up at me to tug at my testes, pulling at the sensitive sac teasingly before sitting up to hover her hips above my twitching cock. I gritted my teeth as she grabbed my shaft with one hand while the other one leaned on my shoulder, leading me steadily to her entrance. I heaved as I felt her damp, pliable walls surround me until I was fully sheathed inside her, feeling that familiar sensation at the back of my teeth as she began to ride me.

I would never get tired of this sight. I loved everything about her being on top and in command. Her hand pulling back her long, dark hair as she closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip, her hips swaying back and forth expertly. She had no idea, the effect she could have, how unintentionally sexy she was. I clutched at her bottom while I watched her bounce on top of me, her breasts swinging with the motions, my cock swelling even more inside of her heated core. It had taken me a long time to get her to try this, but once she discovered how good this position was, she couldn't get enough of it, and neither could I. Who would have guessed that this was my life now? I was basking in the throes of sex with her, indulging in the pleasure of our raging passion. She was on fire and so was I, heat coiling in between us, her hips swirling and turning, circling around in one way and then another until I couldn't take it any longer. Our breaths increased as she pushed me further inside of her as I felt the familiar tingling in my balls and abdomen, signaling that I was close.

"K-Katniss."

"Shh, I'm almost there." Her face scrunched up as she winced, almost as if she were about to cry but not quite.

"Come with me," I begged.

"Wait for me," she said as her walls tightened around me. I shifted my hips to hit her  _in just the right spot_ , knowing that I didn't have long.

We cried out in an almost the exact same instant, having just reached the peak of our rollercoaster and falling down from its towering height. The world crashed and shattered around me, and in that moment it was just me and her and our euphoric high as her walls milked the rest of my orgasm while I spilled myself inside her. She collapsed, tragically and beautifully, on top of my chest as it rose and fell with my heavy breaths, our bodies still trembling. I didn't know where she ended and I began. I stroked her back, damp with perspiration, and sighed. "What would I do without you?" I gasped.

"You'll never have to find out," she promised me as her eyes met mine lovingly while she stroked my jaw.

I smiled. "Give me a few minutes and we'll go again?"

"Always."

…

Our daughter was born a year and a half later. Katniss had clutched the sheets beneath her and cried out in a similar but more painful way than I was used to seeing her doing in bed. She had my eyes and her hair. Tears fell down my cheeks the first time I held her. "She's beautiful, just like her mother," I told Katniss as our baby squeezed my finger tightly in her tiny pink fist. Her mouth was etched into the classic Everdeen scowl. I laughed.

"She scowls just like you, too."

Katniss smiled tiredly. "Yes, but she has your eyes."

I held her fragile, light body closer to me as I inhaled her newborn baby smell and kissed her little head. "She's perfect."

"She's ours."

"Thank you." I leaned down and kissed my wife tenderly on the lips, our daughter squirming in between us.

I chuckled as I handed her back to her mother. "I was so scared, Peeta." Her voice shook with emotion. "But now, holding her in my arms… I know that it was worth it. This joy is the only thing that tames my fear." She stroked her feather-soft hair lightly, her eyes full of love as she gazed at out newborn child.

"You have nothing to be afraid of anymore," I promised her as I sat down on the bed and put my arms around them both. "I'll keep you both safe."

* * *

_**Ten** _

Adara was four when Katniss began telling her about Prim. She was braiding her hair and singing her songs on the couch, telling her about how she used to have a little sister named Prim who loved the song about the meadow as much as she did. "She couldn't fall asleep without me singing it to her either," Katniss recalled.

"Mommy, where is Aunt Prim now?" I heard our daughter ask innocently from where I was kneading dough in the kitchen.

Katniss paused for a minute before finally replying, "She died a long time ago, honey. She's in a better place now."

"In the meadow?"

"Yes, I suppose we could say that."

"How come I don't have a little brother or sister?" Adara insisted.

Katniss hesitated again. "I don't know, sweetie. Do you want one?"

"Yes!" she shrieked as she started jumping up and down excitedly.

I chuckled. "I told you she would want one." Katniss scowled at me as she turned around when she heard me talk.

"Daddy, did you have brothers or sisters?" Adara asked as she skipped towards me.

I gave her a sad smile. "Yes, cupcake, I had two older brothers. Their names were Leven and Rye. They died a long time ago too."

"With Gramma and Grampa?"

I nodded forlornly. "A lot of people died during that time."

"Why?"

I sighed, and then turned to Katniss for help as she stood up from the couch. "All right duckling, that's enough questions for today, don't you think? How about a little nap?" Katniss suggested as she took her hand and led her upstairs.

"Yes, Mommy." Adara gave me a sad look before turning away, and I gave her another weak smile in response. I turned my attention back to my baking as a thousand memories invaded me: my father teaching me how to decorate cakes, my mother hitting me with a rolling pin, Leven telling me how to wrestle, and Rye teasing me about girls. Although I didn't really miss my mother, I missed my father and my brothers. They had been a pain in the ass half the time, but I had learned a lot from them. I wanted my daughter to have a sibling as well. Someone to play with and share a bond with like the one Katniss had with her sister Prim. I wondered if Katniss would really agree to have another baby. I knew how frightened she had been during her last pregnancy, and I didn't want to pressure her. Perhaps she was still afraid that something bad would happen to one of our children.

"Peeta?"

I glanced up to see that Katniss was back and I had gotten lost in my thoughts. I had just been about to put the cheese buns in the oven as I grabbed the tray. "Yes, Katniss?" I asked distractedly as I opened the oven door and then closed it once the buns were inside. I turned it up to the right temperature and then looked back at her.

"I've been thinking…" She began, biting her lip nervously.

I knew this line.

"About what?" I asked hopefully.

"I think Adara's right. She probably needs a brother or sister. She  _should_ have one. Just because we both lost our siblings during the war doesn't mean that she should grow up alone too."

"I agree. You know I would love to have another child. But is this what  _you_ want?"

She nodded. "Yes, maybe not right away, but sometime soon. I think it would be good for us and for our daughter as well."

I grinned and clapped my hands together. "Great. We can start practicing now."

She laughed, and I gathered her in my arms and dug my nose into her hair, inhaling her scent deeply. She smelled like wildflowers. "Thank you for this," I murmured as we continued to embrace, her warm body fitting perfectly against mine, her hands splayed out across my broad back.

"For what?"

"You know for what. For everything. For giving me a beautiful daughter. For wanting to give me another child. For staying with me."

"I should be thanking  _you_ for that."

"I will always stay with you, Katniss."

"I love you more than I could ever promise," she said.

"And I love you just the way you are. I wouldn't have you any other way, Mrs. Mellark." I kissed her forehead.

She fisted my shirt. "Make love to me."

I chuckled. "Right here?"

"We've got some time before our daughter wakes up."

I lifted her hips up on the counter and gave her a lingering kiss as I pulled down her pants. She wrapped her hands around my neck as she pulled me closer, my hips nestled in between her parted legs.

"Mommy?"

We both jumped up and turned around to find Adara gaping at us. "Why are your pants on the floor?" she gasped at Katniss.

"Darling, I thought you were asleep," Katniss said flustered as I handed her back her sweats, which she pulled on hastily. It was a good thing I had left her underwear on, I mused. Too bad I had to get rid of my hard-on.

"Mommy was just thinking of taking a shower and I was helping her get undressed, right Katniss?" I said innocuously. She scowled at me, but then turned back to smile and nod at our daughter.

"Oh," Adara said, confused. Then: "I want cheese buns."

I smirked. "Of course you do; you're just like your mother. They're almost ready, don't worry."

"You can have one, but after that, you're taking your nap," Katniss told her firmly.

"So you can shower with Daddy?" she asked innocently.

I chortled. "Yeah, that's exactly it, sweet pea," I winked.

Katniss scowled at me again, raising her eyebrow. "I don't know if I'm really that interested in that shower anymore."

I shrugged. "Well, I guess it's your loss, then. The shower head will miss you, I'm sure." She gaped at me as I burst out laughing once more, bending down as I clapped my knees in amusement. "And you thought I didn't know about that!"

"About what?" Adara asked, lost.

"Nothing, dear, your daddy is just being immature." She turned back to me. "Actually, I think I'm going to shower  _right now._ I can't have the shower head waiting, now can I? You can feed our daughter and put her to rest afterwards. I'll eat the cheese buns later."

"Yes, love," I said, grinning.

She rolled her eyes at me before heading upstairs. "What a drama queen," Adara sighed, and I guffawed.

It would be two years before we would have another child.

* * *

_**Fifteen** _

"I'll have whatever he's having," I said as I pointed at Haymitch, who was shit-faced and passed out on the couch as he snored loudly. Today was Haymitch's birthday, and we had decided to have a little celebration at our house. Needless to say, he hadn't gone easy on the vodka. He drank the whole bottle by himself and didn't even offer me a sip.

Katniss frowned at me, her hand resting on her swollen belly. She had been grouchier lately due to the fact that she was due any day now. "Peeta, I think it's time you take him home, he's had too much excitement for tonight."She took our three-year-old son by the hand, "I'm taking the kids to bed while you do that," she said as our nine-year-old daughter protested.

"Fine," I grumbled.

"Say goodnight to Daddy," Katniss told the kids.

"Ninny time, Daddy," Orion exclaimed as I bent down so he could give me a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

I chuckled. "You're so silly. Goodnight, champ." I ruffled his hair playfully.

"You'll be back to tuck me in, right?" Adara asked hopefully after she kissed me goodnight.

"Yes, biscuit," I promised as I leaned down to throw one of Haymitch's heavy arms over my shoulders.

"Whasss goin' on?" Haymitch slurred as I pulled him unsteadily to his feet.

"You're drunk, I'm taking you home," I said as I opened the front door.

"Gerroff me I can walkbym'self." He shoved me aside and stumbled out the door as I followed behind, making sure he didn't trip and fall on the front porch steps.

I caught a hold of his arm before he reached them, catching him in time before he fell flat on his face. "Lemme alone!" he insisted as I gripped him tighter.

I clenched my jaw. "Haymitch, you're acting worse than a toddler, seriously, just let me walk you home; we're almost there."

He laughed. I frowned at him, but he continued to laugh maniacally as we crossed the yard and reached his front door. He dug his hands deep into his pockets, trying to find his keys, until I opened the door, showing him that it wasn't locked. "Oh," he said, suddenly remembering that he never locked his door. Then he cackled again.

"Yeah, come on, let's get you upstairs." I pushed the older man inside, wondering how I was going to pull that off.

But he collapsed face-up on his couch before I could suggest anything. I rolled my eyes and knelt down to pull off his boots. He chuckled. "You an' shweetheart kicked me out cuz yer gonna fuck 'soon as yer kids 'sleep."

I gaped. "What?" I flushed, tossing his boots as they hit the wooden floorboards with a loud thud.

"Ye heard me boy," he said, grinning impishly. His eyebrows raised suggestively, his tongue slightly sticking out from in between his teeth as he snickered uncontrollably.

I stood up. "You're drunk," I said again as he shook his head. "And you know what? Maybe I  _will_ get laid tonight, but that's between me and my  _wife_  so you can damn well stay out of it," I said firmly.

This time, he laughed so hard he started coughing up a lung, and before I knew it, he had puked all over the floor. I groaned. This was going to take longer than I thought.

…

"What took you so long?" My pregnant wife demanded, hands resting on her wide hips as she scowled at me. I always thought she looked sexy when she was mad, but I knew now wasn't the time to point it out.

"Haymitch threw up all over the place and I had to bathe him," I said instead.

"Ugh. I didn't want to know that." She scrunched up her nose in disgust.

"Then why'd you ask?" I smirked.

"Never mind, let's go to bed, my feet are  _killing_ me, and your daughter won't go to sleep until you tuck her in."

"Is Orion asleep already?" I asked.

She nodded. "He was out right after I put him to bed. He was exhausted from running around all day, and the bath relaxed him."

"Okay, I'll go check up on him after I finish with Adara," I promised her as we went the up the stairs together, my hand resting on the small of her back.

We went into Adara's room first, where she was still sitting up on her bed with a book in her hand. "Hey muffin, what are you reading?" I asked as I stepped in with Katniss behind me.

"Daddy!" her face brightened up at the sight of me, holding up the cover of the old plant book in her hand. Katniss and I exchanged worried glances. We had just started telling her about the Hunger Games, and she always asked the most complicated questions after going through the memory book.

"Which page are we on tonight?" Katniss and I sat down at the edge of the bed with her.

"I'm reading about Rue. She and Auntie Prim were around the same age, weren't they? Did they ever meet?" she asked softly, her blue orbs wide.

I turned to Katniss. She sighed and glanced down at the quilt covering the bed, concentrating on the knitted pattern. "Rue was twelve when she died, and Prim was thirteen, but she died a year later. So yes, they were the same age. Rue always reminded me of my sister," she said mournfully. "But no, they never met. Rue died in the arena and Prim died in the Capitol."

I rubbed her shoulder comfortingly. Adara looked between us. "What if we name my twin sisters after them?" she piped up.

Katniss and I turned to her in surprise. "You want to name the babies after Prim and Rue?" I asked.

She nodded. Katniss frowned at her. "I don't know, little bird. It may not be a good idea. I have a lot of painful memories associated with that, and I want your little sisters to get a fresh start," she explained as she rubbed her belly nervously.

"But you had memories of them too, Katniss," I reminded her.

Katniss hesitated. "I'll think about it," she decided.

I smiled. "That's all we ask," I said as I squeezed her hand.

"Okay, but it's time for you to go to sleep now," she told our daughter.

"Yes, Mommy," she groaned as she put the book away on the nightstand and dug herself under the covers. I helped her pull them up to her chin and then leaned down to kiss her forehead gently.

"Sweet dreams, princess," I murmured.

"Goodnight, Daddy," she grinned. "Goodnight, Mommy," she said as Katniss kissed her dimpled cheek.

"'Night, sweet tart," I replied as Katniss and I stood up to leave the room.

"Sleep well, baby," Katniss added before I closed the door. "Do you think we use too many pet names for them?" she asked as we headed to Orion's room, where he was already sound asleep, his disheveled blonde curls forming a messy halo around his head.

"Nah. The only pet name my mother ever used for me was 'boy,' and I hated it," I recalled.

Katniss frowned. "My mother didn't use very many pet names for me either," she admitted. "Not after my dad died, anyway. Look at our sweet little angel," she said fondly as we adjusted the covers on Orion's bed. I stroked his hair and kissed his forehead just like I had done with Adara, and Katniss bent down to repeat the same action.

We then headed off to our room as Katniss instantly lay back on our bed, exhausted. I sat at the end of it and slipped off her shoes and socks, massaging her swollen feet. "Mmm, that feels good," she moaned.

"Yeah? You like that?" I tickled the soles of her feet playfully.

"Stop that," she giggled.

I raised her feet towards my lips and kissed them. "That's gross, Peeta," she joked.

"No it's not, you love it and you know it. I literally worship at your feet."

She laughed. "You just want to get me naked."

"You just want me to  _help_ you get naked," I corrected her as I pulled down her pants.

"That too," she acknowledged as I raised her shirt over her head, leaving her in only her bra and underwear. I reached under her back and unclasped her bra as she tossed it off quickly. Katniss slept in only her underwear now; she said it was too hot to sleep in anything else, and I was more than happy to help. I cupped her breasts gently; she had increased two cup sizes from the pregnancy and I was making the most of it.

She bit her lip. "Do you like them better this way?" she asked softly as I tweaked her sensitive pebbled peaks.

"I like them any way I can get them," I confessed. "I'm going to have to share after you give birth, though."

"I don't think the twins will want to share them with you," she warned me teasingly.

"All the more reason to enjoy them now," I said as I suckled one into my mouth.

"Argh, Peeta," she gasped as I pulled lightly at her delicate nipple.

I grinned up at her as I caressed her round abdomen with my rough palm, kissing my way down from her chest to her protruding bellybutton. "You make me so happy, Katniss," I said as I rested my head where she was carrying our children.

"If I only I had known there would be  _two_ of them this time…" she trailed off.

"You don't regret it, do you?" I asked worriedly.

She looked at me in surprise. "Oh, Peeta  _no,_ I would never take it back. I love my children and you're the only person I would want to have them with. It's just that this pregnancy had been tougher than the others. It's different, too, and I feel so fat and cumbersome…" she sighed.

"Stop that, you're beautiful when you're pregnant. You're always beautiful to me," I peppered kisses all around her belly and then made my way up to her lovely lips, stroking her hair gently as I cupped her face. Our mouths met in a hungry kiss, my tongue tracing the outline of her lips before dashing in to play with hers in a joyful dance.

"You make me happy too, Peeta," she said breathlessly when we broke our kiss. "You and our children keep me going even on my toughest times."

I pressed her closer as I kicked my shoes off. "Good," I said. "Because you deserve to be happy. You're so wonderful, Katniss. I can't believe you don't realize how striking you are. I love your sexy scowl and your enchanting voice and your lovely hair. I can't get enough of your perky tits and I'm obsessed with the way you say my name when you come. You look absolutely resplendent when you're pregnant; I love the glow on your face and the swelling of your hips and the womb that cradles my children… _our_ children. That we made together. Sometimes I can't even believe that this is actually my life, that all of this is real."

"It  _is_ real, Peeta." She kissed me softly.

"I know." I smiled against her lips.

I slipped off my jeans and removed my shirt as I lifted the sheets and gathered her in my arms. I reached over and turned off the lamp on the bedside table while she rested her head on my chest. I thought about what Haymitch had said, but decided that Katniss was probably too tired for us to actually try anything else right now.

We heard lightning strike and thunder roar when it began to rain just as we were drifting off to sleep. Katniss jerked up as we heard the familiar sound of tiny bare feet running across the carpeted hall towards our room. I picked up my white cotton t-shirt from the floor. "Here, put this on," I offered as she pulled it on hastily just as Orion burst into our room crying.

"Oh, cookie, don't cry, come here," I pulled him up so that he could lie in between me and Katniss.

"I-I'm s-scared," he sobbed, rubbing his gray eyes with his chubby fists.

Katniss pressed him close to her chest and kissed the top of his head. "I know, baby, I know. Thunderstorms can be scary. But Daddy and I are here to keep you safe, okay? We won't let anything bad happen to you, right Peeta?"

"That's right," I affirmed just as our daughter came running in too. I scooted over and lifted the covers so that she could slide in beside me.

"I hate storms," she said as she hugged my chest tightly.

"I don't think anybody in this family likes them," I told her just as we heard another monstrous rumble rip out across the night sky.

Orion whimpered as Katniss cooed at him in comfort. "Daddy, tell me a story," Adara requested as she tightened her grip on me, my arm cradled protectively around her small frame.

"Okay," I said as I began to tell the tale of a little girl who wore two braids instead of one, and a little boy who fell in love with her the moment her beautiful singing made even the birds stop to listen. I told her about a cave where this boy and girl took comfort in each other's arms during a different thunderstorm, and how the boy admitted his love for her there. "He watched her walk home  _every day_  for eleven years," I recounted.

"And he gave her the bread that gave her hope," Katniss added quietly over Orion's soft snores. He had fallen asleep in her arms, and Adara was already drifting off in mine.

"It was you, wasn't it Daddy? You're telling us the story of how you fell in love with Mommy. No one sings more beautiful than her, and you make the best bread," she said, stifling a tired yawn.

I chuckled softly. "Yes, you caught me. But you sing just as pretty as her, and you're not such a bad baker yourself, you know."

"Were you in love with him too, Mommy?" she asked curiously.

Katniss smiled dreamily. "Of course I was. How could I not be? I was just afraid to admit it because I didn't want to lose him. And I did, for a time. But look at us now. Even after all this time, he's still with me."

"Always." I said as I leaned over our children to kiss her. Adara snuggled closer to me, satisfied with her mother's response as she allowed sleep to finally overtake her.

We fell asleep like that, until the sunlight streamed in through the windows and a new day and two new children born.

* * *

_**Twenty** _

I remember the first time my son asked me about sex. He was eight. It didn't go well. Actually, he was horrified.

"But Dad, that's  _disgusting_ , why would you put that  _there?"_ he wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"You won't think it's disgusting when you're older," I assured him as I put down the donut and breadstick I was using for demonstration.

"Gross! And you do that with Mom? WHY?" he screamed, his face red. "THOSE PLACES ARE WHERE YOU PEE!"

I sighed. "Son, it's part of life. That's how babies grow. Okay?"

"Well then I don't want babies ever, they're annoying and they smell." He crossed his arms.

I chuckled. "I don't know, Orion, you still kind of smell like cookies and dirt…"

"Hey!"

I smirked at him. "Just kidding, buddy. You mostly smell like dirt now. Go wash your hands so you can help me knead this dough for your mother's cheese buns."

"I hope that's not code word for something," he muttered under his breath as he went towards the sink.

"Excuse me?"

"I said I don't smell like dirt anymore," he lied.

"Yeah, that's what I thought, although I beg to differ."

We both looked up as we heard the bell of the bakery ring, signaling the entrance of a customer. When I went out towards the front counter, however, I saw that it was Katniss and our daughters, Adara, Rue, and Rose. Rue and Rose were five. Rue was the spitting image of Katniss, and Primrose (who preferred to be called Rose) had my blue eyes and blonde hair. Adara was fourteen, and she and Katniss were practically the same height now.

I grinned. "Well if it isn't my four favorite ladies."

"Are the cheese buns ready?" Adara asked eagerly. I swear she and her mother probably liked my cheese buns more than they liked me.

I shook my head. "No, sorry, we got held up with an order. Would you like to come in and help?"

"Yay!" the twins jumped up and down eagerly.

"Ugh, no Dad, they'll ruin  _everything!"_ Orion whined.

I glared at him. "Don't be rude, son."

"Oh, come now, Orion, we'll just sit here and watch," Katniss said to him.

"No, I wanna help!" Rue cried out.

"Me too!" Rose squealed.

"Okay, here, you can take this dough and form it into a ball," I told them as I pinched off some pieces to give to them so that they could play.

"I'll help you guys out," Adara said as she went towards the fridge to take out the cheese.

"Good, we should be done in no time with all of our new helpers!" I winked at the twins, and they giggled.

"Dad was telling me about sex," I heard Orion whisper to Adara.

She blushed. "What did he say?" she hissed back as I pretended not to hear. I glanced up at Katniss as she was grating some cheese, and I could tell that she was pretending not to listen in too.

"He said boys stick their wee-wee's in girls' cha-cha's."

"That is NOT how I said it," I exclaimed as I Katniss burst out laughing uncontrollably.

"Daddy, what's a cha-cha?" Rose asked as Orion flushed and we all burst out into hysterics.

"What's so funny?" Rue demanded, wrinkling her nose.

"Way to be subtle, little bro," Adara elbowed him teasingly.

"Okay, okay, so my dad actually used breadsticks and donuts but I knew what he meant."

"Peeta!" Katniss gaped at me as she laughed even harder.

"Well, what else was I supposed to use?" I said defensively.

"I don't know; did you  _have_  to use anything?"

"Yeah, and I'm using a banana when we start discussing condoms."

"Gross," Adara shuddered.

"Do I even wanna know?" Orion made a look of disgust.

"Not yet, but in a few years," I winked at him as Adara pretended to retch.

"Peeta, don't you think he's too young?" Katniss frowned.

"Yeah, you're right; we'll save that discussion for another day."

"Thank goodness," Adara said.

"Daddy, is this fine?" Rose asked as she showed me her ball of dough, which resembled a piece of chewed-up gum.

I grinned. "Yes, that's  _perfect,_ pumpkin!"

"How 'bout mine?" Rue asked as she held up hers.

"Beautiful job, sweetie pie!" I said enthusiastically as Orion rolled his eyes and shook his head sadly.

He was only eight and he already considered himself a professional baker. In truth, he still had a lot to learn, but perhaps I praised my kids too much. Katniss wasn't much better though; she always bragged about how good he was at archery, and he  _did_ catch nearly as many squirrels as his mother. And yet his biggest talents were probably the arts. He loved to paint and play guitar. I had no doubt that all of our children were extremely gifted.

We finished up the cheese buns and cleaned up the bakery while we waited for them to bake. Rose and Rue ran around all over the place, playing hide-and-seek and hiding in small corners. "'Dara, will you teach us how to dance?" Rose asked as she twirled around the kitchen while Katniss warned her to not get too close to the oven.

"Do you want to take ballet classes too?" Adara asked the twins. Adara loved to dance and sing. She wasn't much for hunting, much to Katniss's dismay, but she sang just as beautifully as her mother. She wanted to be a professional dancer when she grew up, and I was sure she would be one of the best of them someday.

The twins nodded eagerly, and then begged Katniss to sign them up for it. She looked up at me and I nodded in approval. "I think it would be good for the girls to bond in this way," I said. "My brothers and I all used to wrestle, and it brought us together when we needed to practice."

"Okay then, we'll sign you girls up when we go to the studio tomorrow," Katniss decided.

"Yay!" the twins cheered.

I chuckled, and then heard the distinctive  _ding_ coming from the oven as I turned around to take the cheese buns out of the oven. We closed the bakery and put the buns in a paper bag as we walked back home in the late afternoon, handing the kids a bun each as we made the short trip from the middle of town to Victor's Village. Katniss held my hand and smiled at me as the kids ran ahead of us.

I smiled back at her. This was our life now. This was the world we had brought our children into. It wasn't always butterflies and rainbows, but it could always be good again. Our kids could grow up and do whatever they wanted with their future, never having to worry about war or starvation or people long gone. Sometimes, on tough days when Katniss couldn't get out of bed because she was afraid that she would lose all of this, I would hold her tight and remind her that there was always hope. I would tell her about all of the good things that people had done for us, how wonderful and smart our children were, and how much I loved her. I would send the kids with Haymitch and take a long, hot bubble bath with her until our fingers and toes were wrinkled like prunes and I would joke about how we would get old doing this together. And at the end of the day, when she finally felt better, I would place my head in between her legs until she cried out and whimpered my name. Her legs would tremble and shake when I finally released her, and then I would pepper kisses all the way up to her mouth to show her how good she tasted.

But sometimes it was her who had to help me. Sometimes, when the shiny memories came back to haunt me, I would clutch on to the back of her chair as she begged the children to leave and go out and play in the meadow while she dealt with me. I hated those moments. They made me feel like a monster, and I always feared that I would accidently hurt my family during one of my episodes. But then my wife would take me in her arms, clutching my wrists tightly until I stared straight back at her. We would sit on the floor, me kneeling down between her legs as her thighs clutched at my sides, her forehead resting against mine. And she would sing to me and beg me to stay with her until I finally came back to her and whispered  _always._ She would cry with me and kiss me as I chanted  _I'm sorry_  all over and over again. It was a pattern that we had established long before we even got married, back in the days when we were still growing and healing together. Some things just never changed.

And yet, things always seemed to get better. Even after dealing with the nightmares, even after being unable to completely escape our inner demons, we always had each other, and now we had our children as well. It had taken her five, ten, fifteen years, but she had finally agreed to have them with me. We would grow old and live to see our grandchildren running happily in the same meadow where the past was buried. I would assure Katniss that we would be okay. The dandelions always came back in the spring, and the death and destruction had planted the rebirth of a brighter future. All of our sacrifices had come to fruition. All of the compassion and love that we had given during times of devastation and pain had come back to us tenfold. In the end, it wasn't a  _war_ story. It was a  _love_ story.

_**The End.** _


End file.
